Ephesians 4

This was today's homework for the step studies.  I am a co-leader of a group under Peter Cuomo and it's been a great experience.  Our group is standing strong at around 14 guys and usually by now groups have thinned out and we're truckin' strong.  So I'm doing daily homework that dives into the word and asks questions about it.  Today's reading was from Ephesians and is a good expression is what I've been thinking lately about honesty with our lives.

²⁵Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

It's an interesting passage that is a warning against harboring sin and anger in our hearts.  I can testify to this as I've had periods of intense hiding, lying, and anger.  If I let the sun go down on my anger, it only is worse in the morning.  I'm not saying any of this as a person who is perfect at this or is a living testament, I've lived on both sides of the coin so to speak and living on the right side, God's side, is so much better and fulfilling.  It is also a lot less guilty living a transparent life.  The evil one has less to work with when I'm not living in secret sin.  

I always get caught by the last line, 'forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.'  What powerful stuff.  It's not an option.  Did Christ optionally forgive us?  Did he forgive is us of some things?  No.  He forgave it all, all the time.  I hear in recovery all the time (especially last night) about God opening the hearts of men to forgive in outstanding situations.  Not only to forgive to to actually approach the person who's wronged them and to ask forgiveness for harboring a grudge for in some cases decades.  That kind of healing and forgiveness is only possible through the Holy Spirit.  Not because we want to be self-helped (as countless books tell us), but to serve God and that is what he commands.  It just so happens that what God commands of us, no matter how difficult, is the best for us.  He does it because he loves us.  

I'm still dealing with some bitterness and anger.  It's hard.  It's internal.  It's in my soul.  I've been harboring it for so long that it feels as part of me now.  Like it's just a part of my nature now.  I really hate this and am actively praying for healing.  It's a process.  He's healed me of so much, but knowing how He works with specifically me, it will be a long slow process of reconciliation like everything has been with Jesus and I.  Every time he wants to teach me something, or when he brought me to him, it was slow and grueling, but worth it.  So I'm in.  I'm here to walk the walk.  I look forward to the day when the walk is over and I can just be, but that won't be today or a long time (hopefully).  

Humility in Service

Mighty God,

I humble myself for faculties misused,
   opportunities neglected,
   words ill-advised,
I repent of my folly and inconsiderate ways,
   my broken resolutions, untrue service,
   my backsliding steps,
   my vain thoughts.
O bury my sins in the ocean of Jesus' blood
   and let no evil result from my fretful temper,
      unseemly behaviour, provoking pettiness.
If by unkindness I have wounded or hurt another,
   do thou pour in the balm of heavenly consolation;
If I have turned coldly from need, misery, greif,
   do not in just anger forsake me:
If I have withheld relief from penury and pain,
   no not withhold thy gracious bounty from me.
If I have shunned those who have offended me,
   keep open the door of thy heart to my need.

Fill me with an over-flowing ocean of compassion,
   the reign of love my motive,
   the law of love my rule.

O thou God of all grace, make me more thankful,
   more humble;
Inspire me with a deep sense of my unworthiness
   arising from
      the depravity of my nature, my omitted duties,
      my unimproved advantages, thy commands
      violated by me.
With all my calls to gratitude and joy
   may I remember
      that I have reason for sorrow
         and humiliation;
O give me repentance unto life;
Cement my oneness with my blessed Lord,
   that faith may adhere to him more immovably,
   that love may enwtine itself round him
      more tightly,
   that his Spirit may pervade every fibre
      of my being.
Then send me out to make him known
   to my fellow men.

             -from the Valley of Vision

Internet honesty

So I was at the Hydrant a few nights ago and I met a guy who works there who is a pretty cool believer.  One of the cool things about following Christ is how honest we can be to each other almost instantly.  We strive to live lives of openness and transparency.  Nothing kills relationships and friendships like hidden sin.  That's what Gerad spoke out against in his testimony last night in recovery.  It was inspiring to see that kind of honesty and transparency be shown in that setting.  What gives me hope for Gerad is that at the end he said how much he loves Jesus, how he knows he's saved, and how he's still bitter and in the fight.  He didn't curtail where he honestly was at for the sake of looking good to the masses.

I had a conversation like this with my new friend at the Hydrant.  He was reading Augustine's Confessions, and was a part philosophy major at UNT, so he's obviously a deep thinker and man.  He said he doesn't have a blog or a facebook account.  His reasons are legit, they can create masks or projections of what you want people to see and in truth how you want to see yourself.  It's a great way to lie to yourself about who you are.  Obviously there can't really be any accountability about the discrepancy between reality and the digital world, but there can be striving for honesty in that.  I told him that in my blog I seek to be as honest as possible about my walk with the Lord, not for the sake of me looking good or looking 'like a strong christian' but as outlet to let my thoughts move out into the cosmos in hopes of finding readers who may think likewise and may need to see that they are not alone.

We live in a new age of transparency which is starting to manifest itself through more lax privacy standards which to my generation seem not strict enough but to the younger generation fits with the type of honesty they want to have.  I must say I'm on board.  I've always strived to be honest to anyone with who I am, where I am, and what I believe.  Granted, I'm a coward so telling strangers or acquaintances about Jesus is still hard for me, and yes I'm working on that.

Obviously there are limitations on how honest a person can be on the internet, as there are things that don't need to be shared in mixed company and some deep stuff that only a few select men know about me.  Otherwise, I try to let this be a forum where I can write whatever crazy ideas may be rolling around in this thick skull of mine.

I seek to be honest.  Honest with Jesus.  Honest with myself.  I'm thankful for following Jesus who allows me to be wrong and not be cast out, that I can have hard times and he walks through them with me, his grace allows me to be free.

Words

Here's a website called wordle what takes a bunch of works (or an RSS blog) and turns it into a collage where word size correlates to the quantity of used words.  It's pretty awes.  Here's my blog.

God All-Sufficient

This is from The Valley of Vision, a book of puritan prayers that I've been reading for the last month.


God All-Sufficient

The world is before me this day,
and I am weak and fearful,
but I look to thee for strength;
If I venture forth alone I stumble and fall,
but on the Beloved's arms I am firm as the eternal hills;

If left to the treachery of my heart
I shall shame thy Name,
but if enlightened, guided, upheld by the Spirit,
I shall bring thee glory.

Be thou my arm to support,
   my strength to stand,
   my light to see,
   my feet to run,
   my shield to protect,
   my sword to repel,
   my sun to warm.

To enrich me will not diminish thy fullness;
All thy lovingkindness is in thy Son,
I bring him to thee in the arms of faith,
I urge his saving Name as the One who died for me.
I plead his blood to pay my debts of wrong.

Accept his worthiness for my unworthiness,
   his sinlessness for my transgressions,
   his purity for my uncleanness,
   his sincerity for my guile,
   his truth for my deceits,
   his meekness for my pride,
   his constancy for my backslidings,
   his love for my enmity,
   his fullness for my emptiness,
   his faithfulness for my treachery,
   his obedience for my lawlessness,
   his glory for my shame,
   his devotedness for my waywardness,
   his holy life for my unchaste ways,
   his righteousness for my dead works,
   his death for my life.

Humbling

It's been an interesting first week of school.  I find that basically all week God's been humbling me.  I'm usually not too opposed to being humbled and I usually know it's for my own good.  It's also easy to be humbled when you can see what it's about and agree with it.  The type of humbling I've experienced this week is nothing of the sort though.  It's been mostly God showing me my pettiness, insecurities, and self-preservation.

I must say I'm not a fan of this type of thing.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss and this is one of those cases.  I don't want to know how jealous I really am of people and things, I don't want to know just how insecure I am, I don't want to know the extent of my selfishness.  Maybe I do theoretically....

It's weird that for all the heart changes God has instilled in me is this desire for my own glory.  I guess that will never fully go away and He's showing me that this week.  I want to say He's doing it tenderly, but it doesn't feel that way to me.  It hurts and is frustrating.  I hate the internal battles, but that's where all the battles lie with God, in my mind and heart.  So I'm battling, sometimes with Him and sometimes against Him.  I really prefer to battle with Him mortifying my sin, but alas most of the time I'm fighting to keep my sin because deep down I don't want to give it up.  God wasn't lying when He said what it would cost to follow Him.  It literally costs us everything.  He wants every moment, thought, awkward feeling, bitterness, anger, frustrating, sin, to be claimed in His name.  Man that's hard business.  If you disagree you have to ask yourself a simple question:  Am I really submitting everything?  Hopefully if we're all honest the answer is no, and will always be so on this side of Heaven.  Personally I can't wait to get to Heaven when it can be a truthful yes, a glorious yes with Jesus and we get to see His glory all the time face to face.  Boom.