I writes a blog.

Come Thou Fount

2011-03-20T13:16:00.005-05:00

This morning after a good walk with the Lord I came home and felt like doing something moderately creative and quick. So I recorded an acoustic version of Come Thou Fount in like an hour and a half to see what I'd come up with. I think it came out nice considering I have terrible time when playing with a click, recording, or just other humans. I might do more of these, but don't expect anything.

Come Thou Fount by thecomposinator

oh you (my sick heart)

2011-03-14T10:59:00.000-05:00

It's interesting to be confronted with issues that stem from my heart's idolatry. Last week Beau spoke about the 'deep' idols, the ones that drive all the others. I believe mine are comfort and acceptance. Those two things pretty much have a hand in almost all of my decision making, as well as my other idols.

I've been confronted with some pretty sick things in my heart of late. Well, not of late in my development as a human, they've always been there and I'm now starting to see them. God has been calling out my pride through the form of being accepted lately. It's really hard to take. We all want to be special, and especially now in our social climate. I'll admit I love getting praise and feeling like people like me. I fight this as a teacher all the time, I want them to be my friends instead of being their teacher. (I guess I'm a lot more like Michael Scott that I realized....)

I want to be special. I really do. The thing is, I am. Not to anyone on this planet. But to the Creator of this planet. The One who literally spoke everything I can see, feel, touch, think, and experience into being. He simply spoke. This God also sent his Son so that I could be free. He didn't save me while I was good but before the foundations of the world were put in place and while I was actively rebelling against him. I am special to Jesus. He has my name written on his hand, not just my name, but my real name, the name He gives to me. A totally unique name that only He knows.

He and he alone is my sufficiency. When I need affirmation, I need it from Him. When I am feeling insecure, he is my security. When I am rebelling and running, He runs with me and angles me back.

He shows me this wicked heart so that I will cling to the cross more. Because in myself I have no hope for reconciliation, but through Him I do. When I start to wander I get this vivid picture in my mind of me at the crucifixion literally laying on the ground with my arms wrapped around the cross, around Jesus. I hold on so tightly to that, to have him be my sufficiency. Then after a bit I start to feel good and stand up on my own two legs. Then I take a step away from the cross on my own. I literally get two steps away and start to waver, so I turn back to the cross and fall with arms open to grab it. It's still there. He's waiting for me. I grasp and I don't let go, until I get to prideful and stand up again on my own.

Always go to the cross, to Jesus. His gesture is the most meaningful one we have and will ever have. Cling to it.

Sanctification is simply dwelling daily in our justification. Never get past the cross.

seven swans

2011-02-28T22:22:00.000-06:00

This post isn't about seven swans. Although I've been listening to it for the last hour on repeat, actually not repeat I just re-click it when it's over (which is more work for me). That being aside, tonight I feel deep, so I'm going to write it out like I always do. It's interesting that this blog turns out to be many posts when I feel heavy, maybe one would get the sense that I'm kind of a sad person or whatnot, but I don't think that's the case, I just write things out when I feel this way.

First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month. I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February. I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow. Thank you Lord. I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.

Maybe tonight is remanence of that....

Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present. Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons. One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance. That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think. Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled. It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say. It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words. I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory. No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace. It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile. It's beautiful.

So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture. I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day. It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it. So here's a bit now.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

There it is, that's where I'm at.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God. That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him. He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.

So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....

Two sides of the same coin

2011-02-08T10:32:00.000-06:00

I may have written about this before, but through some conversations (no Lee they aren't cite-able! but are a fertile ground to get the ball rolling) with some dear friends I've decided to perhaps revisit this idea. This simple little idea is suffering.

This crux has set more doubt in our minds maybe more than any other question about God. Why do we suffer? How can an all-loving God let us suffer? Now, I'm not here to answer any of those large questions, and I also think that some of these questions can/should be tied into justice, which is God's alone.

But I want to leave these questions behind because they are too big for my minuscule brain to tackle. What I can discuss though is a quote from the Valley of Vision, which if you read my blog know I'm a really big fan of. It comes from 'Divine Promises' and goes like this:

May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
   but glorify thee in my trials.

As my roommate Lee always exclaims during catchphrase® 'this is a comparison, four words.' Although this is more than four words, it is a comparison. A single event described in two ways. It is divided into two ideas, 1) a circumstance, 2) our reaction to it.

Something has happened. Someone is hurting. Someone is broken. God is chastening the one that he loves. How do we react?

The last word in each line should be all the indicator of the point that needs to be made. Do I view events that happend to me as trials or troubles? It's not just a pithy use of vocabulary, but the word choice defines the point of view. Do I perceive things as bad (a circumstance that either the Lord doesn't know about, or that he is powerless to control) or as hard-but-good for God's glory? Know that God allows 'bad' things to happen to us for His glory. As Matt pointed out in his sermon this weekend, we don't always know how how it glorifies God (such as children dying), but rest assured it does and someday we'll know why.

Troubles imply an inward focus. Troubles happen to us. We want them to be fixed. The point of a trouble is for it to go away. Compare that to a trial, something we walk through. Something we look to the Lord to get us through. Trials don't need to be 'fixed', we must practice patience through them. They teach us something about God. The Bible is littered with the word trial in this manner, unlike troubles which can usually be found when describing intense, personal pain and an inward focus.

The other comparison has to do with our reaction. Do we instruct the Lord on what to do? This comparison is interesting because instruct and glorify are not antonyms, it's saying that the answer is not simply to be instructed by the Lord, but to glorify him. Now it is glorifying to the Lord to be submissive to him. Being submissive is not the same as 'happiness'. It's not saying 'grin and bear it', but more 'suffer well knowing this is happening for a reason and you will bear the image of Christ more because of it'. It's still difficult, but suffer well saints. In that you are glorifying God. The glorification isn't whether you are happy about it now, but whether you are trying despite your circumstances (or character traits) to sincerely be obedient to the Lord. This is glorifying God, to follow when it hurts.

I find much hope in Romans 5:

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (emphasis mine)

Suffer well good and faithful servants of the Lord. Know that if you rejoice in your sufferings (glorify him in your trials) it leads to endurance, which leads to godly character, which leads to hope which will never put us to shame. It's all for his glory. To paraphrase Lewis; 'he was serious when he said he wanted us to be like his son and he will never quit as long as we live'. He chastens those he loves, like a good Father would.

Know too, that it's only a season, there is hope! Push forward in the Lord, cling to the cross and know that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit will never leave or forsake you, never. Nothing can separate us from the love of the Lord (Romans 8).

Weeping may tarry the night,
   but joy comes with the morning.
   -Psalm 30:5a

It may be a long night, one you may not think you can handle, but there is joy in the morning. Be patient, suffer well.

Inside the mind of a composer (pt.1) --- Title

2011-01-03T14:22:00.000-06:00

I'm going to start a short series on my blog over break on a topic that I seem to rarely write about anymore, my music. As you can all see I changed the name of my blog from the almost always mispronounced 'thecomposinator' (sounds like the terminator) to 'I writes a blog' due to this phenomenon. So I'm going to start a series for all you blog readers to get a glimpse into the mind of an elusive composer, how I think about composing, the process, ideas, structure, and other junk about what I do. So here's post number one.

In many ways the hardest part of the compositional process (and most often for me one of the last) is the arrival at a final title for a piece. Each composer assigns a different amount of importance to what their titles mean and what they want to evoke or give away. Composers like Russell Pinkston stick to titles that are light hearted and incorporate the name of the performer he's writing the piece for in them, ex. Lizamander for Elizabeth McNutt, or Gerrymander for Gerry Erante. Of course these titles are puns and have second meanings that tie into the process too. This points to the title being a structural part of the composition (or at least incorporated into early ideas).

Some titles are meant to evoke an image to the listener that the composer desires them to know going into the listening. Takemitsu has some very evocative titles (especially in his last phase) like Rain Spell or Rain Tree. He also had a water motive (s-e-a) infused throughout these works so most of their titles have to do with water.

Some composers like really technical titles that have either to do with an algorithm or scientific (hard or soft) principle behind them. They typically sound like a word you've never heard before ex. (making these up) Geometus, or Fractal Dimentions, or something equally cool sounding.

These are but a few of the ways in which composers use title for their works. If a composer wants to be really 'original' they'll call it untitled in an attempt to negate any connotation of pre-conceived notion, or perhaps they think they are really really smart and a pioneer (which they aren't).

Titles generally fall into two categories, 1) a title that piece is built around (ie, pre-compositional), or 2) a title designated after the work (or near the end), or post-compositional. Now it is true that the idea of the title can be pre-comp and the finalized version appears at the end (which is usually how I work). I'm sort of a hybrid titler, I have the idea for the title and for what the piece means to me usually very early in the process and it (or the idea of it) will dictate the compositional choices I make but will usually arrive at a sleek, shiny new title near the end.

This is happening with the Mass I've been working on for almost a year now. I knew I wanted the name Mass incorporated into it, but I didn't know the nature of how I wanted it to be incorporated. I thought of doing a statement like, Mass for a new generation, since the Mass is generally an unused form in modern music. But then that sounds a bit pompous to me and it reminded me of the Pepsi slogan from the early 90's.

Then I got the idea to incorporate the Mass as a subtext and have a different headliner, so that people would be tricked into listening to it. Yes, this is that path I shall take. So I have a first draft of the title, which I really like at this point. Int[er(re)]actions I: MassOrd. This title may seem long and weird, but let me explain. First off, this piece is built around guided improvisations and interactions between vocalists and instrumentalists. It's also going to be a part of a larger series of pieces for improvisers. So I wanted a title I could use more than once, hence the I. It's the first of a series of these types of pieces.

The name MassOrd is a shortened version of Mass Ordinary which is the type of mass I'm setting: five of the traditional (mostly latin) mass, Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Sanctus/Benedictus, Agnus Dei. I like the sound and look of MassOrd, as it's less clunky than the whole title.

The beef of the title is two words within in the one. Inter-actions, inter-reactions. I put the bracket (which I might take out) around er-re to show a symmetrical relationship between that letter ordering and symmetry is a main structural element in this piece. I might take the brackets out because symmetry might only be an important element in this work, not more down the line. I like it for now, and who's to say I can't take it out in later works. So it could be Inter(re)actions or Int[er(re)]actions, I haven't decided yet.

I really like this title as of now, but who knows, as the work is not yet done and I have had no feedback on it yet. It says everything I want it to say, that is, it has interactions, reactions, uses mass text. Now as we get into the structure in a later post, we'll see how the structure is based all on personal and doctrinal view of God and that is very important, but I don't want to give that away in the title. I want to title to be broad, interesting, and cool sounding. I want to music to say what I really want to say and hopefully it will. We'll have to see when it gets performed this semester.

walk

2010-12-26T20:57:00.001-06:00

Tonight it was a bit warmer here, which means it was above freezing. So I took a walk intending to have some phone time with some friends, but as luck would have it (which isn't luck at all) it all went to voicemail. So I took off the earbuds and looked up and saw a most beautiful sky filled with low-flying brown clouds interspersed between a perfectly clear starry sky. It was amazing. Snow everywhere. Beautiful lights. It was a real scene. It was a scene I won't get when I go back to Texas so I wanted to soak it in.

The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.

Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.

I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.

It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.

Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.

Spirit > pathetic-ness

2010-12-23T00:58:00.002-06:00

It's weird how pathetic I am. I should give the caveat that we are all pathetic, and because of my selfishness, I'd like to think that my pathetic-ness beats yours. But I know this isn't true, that we are all flawed and saved only through grace. My whole body permeates with sin. Every cell of my being is immersed in it. Even down to the core of my being, my heart–full to brim with wickedness. I've been dwelling lately on how painful the effects of sin are, how deep this goes, how much pain we can inflict and take. Dwelling here is sobering.

I think there's a problem with not knowing about sin, and about how seriously the Bible takes it. Most of the book has to do with it, how disgusting, perverse, and wicked it is. Yet, most Christians don't ever really dwell there, they just know it's something that God has saved them from. They see it mostly as an external thing. Jesus would contradict this many times, foregoing the outward affect and going straight for the heart. When I have a bad moment, lose my cool, or do wicked things, it didn't happen because of an external circumstance, it only shows a reflection of something already wrong in my heart. The problem was already there inside of me the whole time.

It may sound harsh to say that every cell of my body is imbued with sin, and I think the old humanist side of me would debate it, but the Bible says otherwise and deep down I just plain know I'm rotten. That time and means reveals my true wickedness (most outward sin occurs when I'm bored or when I have money). This is the cause of this blog post tonight, that I'm just sitting around letting my mind wander, trying to capture thoughts but being unsuccessful. I'm not really tired, I'm not really entertained, I'm not really wanting to read my bible (I did some tonight and had some good prayer time), but after all that's done I have time to sit and meddle. To stew in my own mind and thus go places I should not be going. It's pathetic.

I'm not going to say that "it's all okay", or that I'm being too hard on myself, or blow it off, this is the type of thinking that leads to cheap grace and shallow faith. It's the kind of faith that blows off these heavy moments as a passing momentary weakness instead seeing it as a little peek into my thought-life. I'm not shying away from it (that's why I'm writing) but I'm also not letting the evil one get a foothold with it either.

Because I know the truth. That even though every bit of my being is broken, fractured, and selfish, that the good part of me isn't of me at all, it's a gift from God, his own Spirit. It's that God actually puts the only good thing we have in us. He literally injects us with his goodness. I have that in me. He is in me. My flesh is weak but his Spirit is strong. I don't need to have faith in myself, to make the 'right' decisions, to not be pathetic, to earn my salvation, but instead understand that he already did everything for me, that he chose to love me, and that he lives inside me–I am his temple.

So while I am pathetic and nights like tonight reflect my flesh to me, I know that this is just a reflection of a part of me that will die. That I can lay my head on the pillow knowing he is here, never forsaking me, always teaching me, and forever loving me.

At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there

And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives

All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there

After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
-david crowder

Amazing Grace

2010-12-18T20:34:00.000-06:00

This seems appropriate after my last post (which is below as it's reverse chronological).

O thou giving God,

My heart is drawn out in thankfulness to thee,
   for thy amazing grace and condescension to me
   in influences and assistances in thy Spirit,
   for special help in prayer,
   for the sweetness of Christian service,
   for the thoughts of arriving in heaven,
   for always sending me needful supplies,
   for raising me to new life when I am like one dead.
I want not the favour of man to lean upon
   for thy favour is infinitely better.
Thou art eternal wisdom in dispensations towards me;
   and it matters not when, nor where, nor how I serve thee,
   nor what trials I am exercised with,
   if I might be prepared for thy work and will.
No poor creature stands in need of divine grace
   more than I do,
And yet non abuses it more than I have done,
   and still do.
How heartless and dull I am!
Humble me in the dust for not loving thee more.
Every time I exercise any grace renewedly
   I am renewedly indebted to thee,
   the God of all grace, for special assistance.
I cannot boast when I think how dependant
   I am upon thee for the being and every act
   of grace;
I never do anything else but depart from thee,
   and if ever I get to heaven it will be because
   thou willest it, and for no other reason beside.
I love, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature,
   to cast myself on thy infinite grace and goodness,
   hoping for no happiness but from thee;
Give me special grace to fit me for special services,
   and keep me calm and resigned at all times,
   humble, solemn, mortified,
   and conformed to thy will.

travelling thoughts

2010-12-18T19:37:00.001-06:00

This is yet another post about time. How it doesn't seem to change, but how our perception of it does. Maybe it won't be so heavy as that. I just had a thought as I travelled to Indiana to spend christmas with my family, to have a white christmas. I'll get to that in a bit, but I want to share that I'm done with my semester. I wish I could say I was halfway done with coursework, but I can't. I'm afraid that I have a lot left, probably at least two years and a semester for quals.

It's weird that this program is so much longer than my masters but seems to be going much faster. At this point in my masters it felt like I had been in school for years and it was only three semesters with one to go. Here I'm three in and have like four or five to go and it doesn't bother me. Actually I look forward to learning more over the next few years.

So, during my travels to Indiana I had a layover in Detroit, at DTW actually in the McNamera terminal. This is by far my favorite terminal. It has a lot of personal meaning to me. The first time I flew on my own was when I flew to Ohio to visit BG for my masters (my family weren't flyers so I started late). I remember all the anticipation, life change, excitement, and most of all a time of waiting on the Lord. I was waiting to see if he'd permit me to go to BG for grad school. I returned from that trip not knowing what he was going to do. I just prayed and waited. Then I got the call that they were going to offer me an assistantship which opened that door wide open.

Then in BG, Detroit was my go to airport. After every semester I flew home and it was DTW that started the trip. I remember specifically after my first semester the relief of just finishing the semester as it was a hard semester, actually the hardest, and I did laundry until midnight staying up until Jason arrives to go to the airport at 3:30 to fly out at 6.

I took a walk out to the end of concourse B and prayed. I thanked the Lord for how he's been faithful to me in my life. That all the hard times I went through and went to that airport to escape them. I prayed over that place. I felt peace. I haven't been there in years and it felt like it. It felt like almost another life. Another me.

I'm so thankful for how God has changed my heart over the last year and a half. He brought me to the end of myself. I was ready to call it quits. When I moved to Texas I was done with God, I felt stone-cold dead. That what happens when you run from him for a long time. He let me.

Romans 1:21-25

For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

But that’s not the end of the story. He reclaimed me. I’m not saying that God ever really left me, but that he gave me over to myself. It wasn’t until I confessed and repented that he made himself known to me again. I never want to be in that place again. With only his grace could I ever not. He firmly is my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 62 is in my heart right now.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My fortress; I shall not greatly be shaken.

When I’m not outrightly sinning or running from God and putting my trust in him it’s so much easier to see what he’s up to. Life begins to look different. There aren’t as many problems (that I attempt to control) but are more trials (which God glorifies himself in). I think of Matt Chandler and how faithful God has been through him to glorify himself through Matt’s affliction. How Matt knows that and lets that wash over him, give him strength and hope, and is allowed to be a conduit of grace and power. When I see a trial I can see a bit into what God’s showing me. Not that I’m not a flawed human who still desires to please myself, but that I can see trials in a different light.

Right now, God is calling me into a time of patience. I love/hate it. I love it in that God is shaping me, he loves me, he wants me to be more like him and this is what he’s showing me now. This is the privilege he’s bestowed on me right now, to be patient in him. I hate it because I want things now, this second, I don’t want to wait. But he’s calling me to wait, so I try to. I’m not perfect at it, but he gives grace whether I fail or succeed. He knows me, he knows how I’ll react. So no matter what I want, I’m clinging to Psalm 62. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence.

Turning 30

2010-11-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

It's official. I'm 30.

It's been a date looming over my head through my mid-late 20's (27-29). I look at it like I'm in my late 20's now. But honestly, I look forward to my 30's, I think it's time I became a man and what better time than to leave the decade that the beginning of my walk with Christ began. He's been faithful to beginning the maturing process in me and I look forward to walking down that road more with him in the next decade. I really desire to let him mold me into a man that desires to follow him and him only.

It's been interesting the last month how some epiphanies have really struck home. The main one has been meditating on obedience to Jesus. He doesn't command us to make any grand oaths or whatnot, just to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no. I've gotten caught in the web of oaths and there's no substance to them. There is a lot of power in saying yes or no in the moment. Maybe power is not quite the word, perhaps pressure is a better word. As much as we all have convictions, we still have to choose in that moment to be faithful to them. I've been warned in many cases by the Spirit to choose rightly, but unfortunately for much of my time following Jesus I've chosen what I want over what's best for me.

I love the idea of obeying Jesus. It will bring me more joy than anything else. It's not a legalistic thing, or that I have to follow the 'rules', but that Jesus wants me to obey him and that's how I can really show him that I love him. It's me listening to him, loving him, and following him, even when my wicked heart desires something more. The object is always cheaper than the trade off when I'm disobedient. Finding joy and contentment in the Lord is the only path for joy and contentment for the soul and I've often been without peace. I want to be clear that it's not a one-to-one ratio where I do something for God and he does something for me. That's ridiculous and not biblical. He's already done it all for me and he wants me to rejoice in that through making him my all. If he isn't he has a funny way of destroying our idols (which often hurts at the time but is much better after).

I'm walking through a time of patience on him and I'm so thankful for it. I don't need more idols in my life but to be seeking him only. Psalm 62 says a lot to me right now.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

Being patient and obedient with the Lord is where he had me on this occasion of me turning 30. It's a good place and I'm very blessed and thankful for his faithfulness.

Contentment

2010-11-28T10:48:00.000-06:00

Heavenly Father,

If I should suffer need, and go unclothed,
   and be in poverty,
   make my heart prize thy love,
   know it, be constrained by it,
   though I be denied all blessings.
It is thy mercy to afflict and try me with wants,
   for by these trials I see my sins,
   and desire severance from them.
Let me willingly accept misery, sorrows, temptations,
   if I can thereby feel sin as the greatest evil,
   and be delivered from it with gratitude to thee,
   acknowledging this as the highest testimony of thy love.
When thy Son, Jesus, came into my soul
   instead of sin, he became more dear to me
   than sin had formerly been;
his kindly rule replaced sin's tyranny.
Teach me to believe that if ever I would have any
   sin subdued
   I must not only labour to overcome it,
   but must invite Christ to abide in the place of it,
   and he must become to me more than
   vile lust had been;
   that his sweetness, power, life may be there.
Thus I must seek a grace from him contrary to sin,
   but must not claim it apart from himself.
When I am afraid of evils to come,
   comfort me by showing me
   that in myself I am a dying, condemned wretch,
   but in Christ I am reconciled and live;
   that in my self I find insufficiency and no rest,
   but in Christ there is satisfaction and peace;
   that in myself I am feeble and unable to do good,
   but in Christ I have ability to do all things.
Though now I have his graces in part,
   I shall shortly have them perfectly
   in that state where thou wilt show thyself
   fully reconciled,
   and alone sufficient, efficient,
   and loving me completely,
   with sin abolished.
O Lord, hasten that day.

Election

2010-11-17T08:34:00.000-06:00

Holy Trinity,

All praise to thee for electing me to salvation,
   by foreknowledge of God the Father,
   through sanctification of the Spirit,
   unto obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus;
I adore the wonders of thy condescending love,
   marvel at the true believer's high privilege
   within whom all heaven comes to dwell,
   abiding in God and God in him;
I believe it, help me experience it to the full.
Continue to teach me that Christ's righteousness
   satisfies justice and evidences thy love;
Help me to make use of it by faith as the ground of my peace
   and of thy favour and acceptance,
   so that I may live always near the cross.
It is not feeling the Spirit that proves
   my saved state but the truth of what
   Christ did perfectly for me;
All holiness in him is by faith made mine,
   as if I had done it;
Therefore I see the use of his righteousness,
   for satisfaction to divine justice and making me righteous.
It is not inner sensation that makes Christ's death mine
   for that may be delusion, being without the Word,
   but his death apprehended by my faith,
   and so testified by Word and Spirit.
I bless thee for these lively exercises of faith,
   for the righteousness that is mine in Jesus,
   for grace to resign my will to thee;
I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,
   and I love to leave them there.
Then prayer turns wholly into praise,
   and all I can do is adore and love thee.
I want not the favour of man to lean upon,
   for I know that thy electing grace is infinitely better.

What I won't always be

2010-11-15T06:28:00.000-06:00

Do not love the work or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world – the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions – is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

-1 John 2:15-17

I read this passage this morning and it reminded of me what Chandler was saying in a sermon a few weeks ago. He was saying how he wasn't going to be a pastor forever, so he couldn't make that his identity. I think at the time it was profound, but has since rolled off me until this morning.

I will not always be a musician, so I can't make that my identity. I've know for a long time that I can't make my music my identity, but the idea that when I die I will no longer be a musician never occurred to me. I love music, don't get me wrong. I also work really hard at it. But I also know the futility of it. That no matter how much I work that I can't take it with me.

This is actually very comforting to me. I don't have to pretend that all of this matters to me as much as it seems to everyone else. It gives me licence to fail. Not that I like to fail and I totally do care about my work and its quality. But it's not what makes me. I could write total junk music the rest of my life and Jesus will still love me as if I were Mozart. I mean look at the Christian music industry...most of it is trite junk but that doesn't mean that they aren't believers.

Anyways, this is a comforting thought, especially this morning when I'm trying to complete my paper on the theme and variations from Webern's Symphonie Op. 21. I again waited too long to finish it and find myself at Zera at 6 am to write all day until it's due at 6.

Regardless of this paper, my program, my music, or my circumstances, my sufficiency is in Christ.

Testimony

2010-11-07T08:30:00.000-06:00

I gave my testimony at recovery on Tuesday. It's been a date I've wanted to avoid since September when I found out I was giving it. It's not that I'm not comfortable in front of a room, I mean I am kind of chicken and I get nervous almost all the time when in front of people, but the Lord has given me calm whenever I get up there. I think it's more like I didn't want to share the gritty with everyone. That's my fear of man coming out again when the truth of a giving a testimony is that it's not about you (me). It's about God's way of capturing me. It's a chance to show all the times where I was unfaithful, He was faithful. That is a good thing.

Testimonies give hope to people that struggle the same (or different really) way you do. Joel was absolutely right after when in prayer with our group of guys, that my story is all our story. We fall, God saves. I love hearing a lot of short testimonies in a row, different stories, same ending. God wins (so do we).

As much as I didn't really enjoy writing the testimony, it confronted me with many things. Bitterness and unforgiveness that I still felt in my heart, seeing patterns of my failure, seeing God repeatedly love me. I wrote about my relationships and how I continually let them get in the way of God in my life. I don't blame any of the girls, but myself for putting them on a pedestal or for making them my source of happiness (they are doomed to fail b/c they are not God). Through this writing process I realized that I never, never submitted my relationships to Jesus, not fully. I didn't make him my happiness, joy, and contentment first. I never obeyed.

That word, obey. What a dirty word in our culture. It shows you are weak, a fool, not a free thinker, and a sheep. Wait, a sheep? But I am a sheep and Jesus is the shepherd. Unfortunately, in today's society to obey seems to be borderline dictatorship. But the Bible has a different take on it.

1 John 5: By this we know that we love the Children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.

I had this love of Jesus that had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with him. I loved him, and would sing it all day, but when confronted with a situation where I had to obey a teaching (mind you because I'm sure what I was about to do was wrong or selfish) I would do what I wanted. I never showed Jesus that I loved him in my actions, that he was worth more to me than anything else. I've been dwelling on that a lot, as a matter of fact I wrote on my bathroom mirror, "obey Jesus because you love him". I do love him and it's time I lived that way.

Brief Ineptitude

2010-10-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how God breaks us, our confidence, our pride. What's even more interesting is how he breaks our insecurities too. As you may or may not know, I don't have the best self-confidence, I never have really. I know I have fear of man issues as one of the symptoms of fear of man is insecurity and the feeling that there's this secret person that if anyone knew would reject. My security lies within the Lord, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing a bad job.

Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.

But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.

Purification

2010-10-22T07:47:00.000-05:00

O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that
   all things are shadows, but thou are substance,
   all things are quicksands, but thou art mountain,
   all thing are shifting, but thou are anchor,
   all things are ignorance, but thou are wisdom.
If my life is to be a crucible amid the burning heat,
   so be it,
   but do thou sit at the furnace mouth
   to watch the ore that nothing be lost.
If I sin wilfully, grievously, tormentedly,
   in grace take away my mourning
   and give me music;
   remove my sackcloth
   and clothe me in beauty;
   still my sighs
   and fill my mouth with song,
   then give me summer weather as a Christian.

CFAMC

2010-10-18T16:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I returned from Marion, IN from the Christian Fellowship of Art Music Composers (CFAMC) conference. It was a long trip that sat right in the middle of finishing an analysis paper and finishing the piece to be performed on the concert for the festival! So it's been a stressful time the last few weeks. Last year felt like a cakewalk compared to this semester. I'm trying to be effective with my time, but it just slips away from me.

But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.

First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.

I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.

So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.

Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.

I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.

The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.

Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.

Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.

After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.

More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.

It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.

Divine Promises

2010-10-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

All thy promises in Christ Jesus are
   yea and amen, and all shall be fulfilled.
Thou hast spoken them, and they shall be done,
   commanded, and they shall come to pass.
Yet I have often doubted thee,
   have lived at times as if there were no God.
Lord, forgive me that death in life,
   when I have found something apart from thee,
   when I have been content with ephemeral things.
But through grace I have repented;
Thou hast given me to read my pardon
   in the wounds of Jesus,
   and my soul doth trust in him, my God incarnate,
   the ground of my life, the spring of my hope.
Teach me to be resigned to thy will,
   to delight in thy law,
   to have no will but thine,
   to believe that everything thou doest is
   for my good.
Help me to leave my concerns in thy hands,
   for thou hast power over evil,
   and bringest from it an infinite progression
   of good,
   until thy purposes are fulfilled.
Bless me with Abraham's faith
   that staggers not at promises through unbelief.
May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
   but glorify thee in my trials;
Grant me a distinct advance in the divine life;
   may I reach a higher platform,
   leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley,
   and climb to hill-tops of eternal security in Christ
   by simply believing he cannot lie,
   or turn from his purpose.
Give me the confidence I ought to have in him
   who is worthy to be praised,
   and who is evermore.

Confession and Petition

2010-10-04T08:22:00.000-05:00

Holy Lord,

I have sinned times without number,
   and been guilty of pride and unbelief,
   of failure to find thy mind in thy Word,
   of neglect to seek thee in my daily life.
My transgressions and short-comings
   present me with a list of accusations,
But I bless thee that they will not stand against me,
   for all have been laid on Christ;
Go on to subdue my corruptions,
   and grant me grace to live above them.
Let not he passions of the flesh not lustings
   of the mind bring my spirit into subjection,
   but do thou rule over me in liberty and power.
I thank thee that many of my prayers have been refused –
   I have asked amiss and do not have,
   I have prayed from lusts and been rejected,
   I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness.
Go on with thy patient work,
   answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers,
   and fitting me to accept it.
Purge me from every false desire,
   every base aspiration,
   everything contrary to thy rule.
I thank thee for thy wisdom and thy love,
   for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject,
   for sometimes putting me into the furnace
   to refine my gold and remove my dross.

No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin.
If tho shouldst give me choice to live
   in pleasure and keep my sins,
   or to have them burnt away with trial,
   give me sanctified affliction.
Deliver me from every evil habit,
   every accretion of former sins,
   everything that dims the brightness of thy grace in me,
   everything that prevents me taking delight in thee.
Then I shall bless thee, God of Jeshurun,
  for helping me to be upright.

Jeremiah 17: 5-8

2010-10-02T08:32:00.000-05:00

⁵Thus says the LORD:"Cursed is the man who trusts in man
   and makes flesh his strength,
   whose heart turns away from the LORD.
⁶He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
   in an uninhabited salt land.
⁷ "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
     whose trust is the LORD.⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,
   that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
   for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
   for it does not cease to bear fruit."

These verses have been in the front of my mind for the last 6 months. I am in transition from the first guy to the second. Although, transition assumes too much, like a distance, I was totally the first guy, etc... The truth is that I'm somewhere in the middle and have been for a very long time. My trust in the Lord was there but (like the depth of my faith) was shallow for a long time. I'm thankful for the Village, recovery, and my community for helping me to give up spiritual milk for meat and potatoes. It's been a hard transition (again a flawed term) but I feel so much more deep in the Lord. I truly seek to obey Him and desire to please Him. Not that I do it perfectly, or fail literally every day, but to dig into Him all the more every day.

Ephesians 4

2010-09-29T08:23:00.000-05:00

This was today's homework for the step studies. I am a co-leader of a group under Peter Cuomo and it's been a great experience. Our group is standing strong at around 14 guys and usually by now groups have thinned out and we're truckin' strong. So I'm doing daily homework that dives into the word and asks questions about it. Today's reading was from Ephesians and is a good expression is what I've been thinking lately about honesty with our lives.

²⁵Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. ²⁶Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷and give no opportunity to the devil. ²⁸Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. ²⁹Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

It's an interesting passage that is a warning against harboring sin and anger in our hearts. I can testify to this as I've had periods of intense hiding, lying, and anger. If I let the sun go down on my anger, it only is worse in the morning. I'm not saying any of this as a person who is perfect at this or is a living testament, I've lived on both sides of the coin so to speak and living on the right side, God's side, is so much better and fulfilling. It is also a lot less guilty living a transparent life. The evil one has less to work with when I'm not living in secret sin.

I always get caught by the last line, 'forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.' What powerful stuff. It's not an option. Did Christ optionally forgive us? Did he forgive is us of some things? No. He forgave it all, all the time. I hear in recovery all the time (especially last night) about God opening the hearts of men to forgive in outstanding situations. Not only to forgive to to actually approach the person who's wronged them and to ask forgiveness for harboring a grudge for in some cases decades. That kind of healing and forgiveness is only possible through the Holy Spirit. Not because we want to be self-helped (as countless books tell us), but to serve God and that is what he commands. It just so happens that what God commands of us, no matter how difficult, is the best for us. He does it because he loves us.

I'm still dealing with some bitterness and anger. It's hard. It's internal. It's in my soul. I've been harboring it for so long that it feels as part of me now. Like it's just a part of my nature now. I really hate this and am actively praying for healing. It's a process. He's healed me of so much, but knowing how He works with specifically me, it will be a long slow process of reconciliation like everything has been with Jesus and I. Every time he wants to teach me something, or when he brought me to him, it was slow and grueling, but worth it. So I'm in. I'm here to walk the walk. I look forward to the day when the walk is over and I can just be, but that won't be today or a long time (hopefully).

Humility in Service

2010-09-27T08:24:00.001-05:00

Mighty God,

I humble myself for faculties misused,
   opportunities neglected,
   words ill-advised,
I repent of my folly and inconsiderate ways,
   my broken resolutions, untrue service,
   my backsliding steps,
   my vain thoughts.
O bury my sins in the ocean of Jesus' blood
   and let no evil result from my fretful temper,
   unseemly behaviour, provoking pettiness.
If by unkindness I have wounded or hurt another,
   do thou pour in the balm of heavenly consolation;
If I have turned coldly from need, misery, greif,
   do not in just anger forsake me:
If I have withheld relief from penury and pain,
   no not withhold thy gracious bounty from me.
If I have shunned those who have offended me,
   keep open the door of thy heart to my need.

Fill me with an over-flowing ocean of compassion,
   the reign of love my motive,
   the law of love my rule.

O thou God of all grace, make me more thankful,
   more humble;
Inspire me with a deep sense of my unworthiness
   arising from
   the depravity of my nature, my omitted duties,
   my unimproved advantages, thy commands
   violated by me.
With all my calls to gratitude and joy
   may I remember
   that I have reason for sorrow
   and humiliation;
O give me repentance unto life;
Cement my oneness with my blessed Lord,
   that faith may adhere to him more immovably,
   that love may enwtine itself round him
   more tightly,
   that his Spirit may pervade every fibre
   of my being.
Then send me out to make him known
   to my fellow men.

   -from the Valley of Vision

Internet honesty

2010-09-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

So I was at the Hydrant a few nights ago and I met a guy who works there who is a pretty cool believer. One of the cool things about following Christ is how honest we can be to each other almost instantly. We strive to live lives of openness and transparency. Nothing kills relationships and friendships like hidden sin. That's what Gerad spoke out against in his testimony last night in recovery. It was inspiring to see that kind of honesty and transparency be shown in that setting. What gives me hope for Gerad is that at the end he said how much he loves Jesus, how he knows he's saved, and how he's still bitter and in the fight. He didn't curtail where he honestly was at for the sake of looking good to the masses.

I had a conversation like this with my new friend at the Hydrant. He was reading Augustine's Confessions, and was a part philosophy major at UNT, so he's obviously a deep thinker and man. He said he doesn't have a blog or a facebook account. His reasons are legit, they can create masks or projections of what you want people to see and in truth how you want to see yourself. It's a great way to lie to yourself about who you are. Obviously there can't really be any accountability about the discrepancy between reality and the digital world, but there can be striving for honesty in that. I told him that in my blog I seek to be as honest as possible about my walk with the Lord, not for the sake of me looking good or looking 'like a strong christian' but as outlet to let my thoughts move out into the cosmos in hopes of finding readers who may think likewise and may need to see that they are not alone.

We live in a new age of transparency which is starting to manifest itself through more lax privacy standards which to my generation seem not strict enough but to the younger generation fits with the type of honesty they want to have. I must say I'm on board. I've always strived to be honest to anyone with who I am, where I am, and what I believe. Granted, I'm a coward so telling strangers or acquaintances about Jesus is still hard for me, and yes I'm working on that.

Obviously there are limitations on how honest a person can be on the internet, as there are things that don't need to be shared in mixed company and some deep stuff that only a few select men know about me. Otherwise, I try to let this be a forum where I can write whatever crazy ideas may be rolling around in this thick skull of mine.

I seek to be honest. Honest with Jesus. Honest with myself. I'm thankful for following Jesus who allows me to be wrong and not be cast out, that I can have hard times and he walks through them with me, his grace allows me to be free.

Words

2010-09-16T14:27:00.003-05:00

Here's a website called wordle what takes a bunch of works (or an RSS blog) and turns it into a collage where word size correlates to the quantity of used words. It's pretty awes. Here's my blog.

God All-Sufficient

2010-09-16T08:16:00.001-05:00

This is from The Valley of Vision, a book of puritan prayers that I've been reading for the last month.

God All-Sufficient

The world is before me this day,
and I am weak and fearful,
but I look to thee for strength;
If I venture forth alone I stumble and fall,
but on the Beloved's arms I am firm as the eternal hills;

If left to the treachery of my heart
I shall shame thy Name,
but if enlightened, guided, upheld by the Spirit,
I shall bring thee glory.

Be thou my arm to support,
   my strength to stand,
   my light to see,
   my feet to run,
   my shield to protect,
   my sword to repel,
   my sun to warm.

To enrich me will not diminish thy fullness;
All thy lovingkindness is in thy Son,
I bring him to thee in the arms of faith,
I urge his saving Name as the One who died for me.
I plead his blood to pay my debts of wrong.

Accept his worthiness for my unworthiness,
   his sinlessness for my transgressions,
   his purity for my uncleanness,
   his sincerity for my guile,
   his truth for my deceits,
   his meekness for my pride,
   his constancy for my backslidings,
   his love for my enmity,
   his fullness for my emptiness,
   his faithfulness for my treachery,
   his obedience for my lawlessness,
   his glory for my shame,
   his devotedness for my waywardness,
   his holy life for my unchaste ways,
   his righteousness for my dead works,
   his death for my life.

Humbling

2010-09-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting first week of school. I find that basically all week God's been humbling me. I'm usually not too opposed to being humbled and I usually know it's for my own good. It's also easy to be humbled when you can see what it's about and agree with it. The type of humbling I've experienced this week is nothing of the sort though. It's been mostly God showing me my pettiness, insecurities, and self-preservation.

I must say I'm not a fan of this type of thing. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and this is one of those cases. I don't want to know how jealous I really am of people and things, I don't want to know just how insecure I am, I don't want to know the extent of my selfishness. Maybe I do theoretically....

It's weird that for all the heart changes God has instilled in me is this desire for my own glory. I guess that will never fully go away and He's showing me that this week. I want to say He's doing it tenderly, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It hurts and is frustrating. I hate the internal battles, but that's where all the battles lie with God, in my mind and heart. So I'm battling, sometimes with Him and sometimes against Him. I really prefer to battle with Him mortifying my sin, but alas most of the time I'm fighting to keep my sin because deep down I don't want to give it up. God wasn't lying when He said what it would cost to follow Him. It literally costs us everything. He wants every moment, thought, awkward feeling, bitterness, anger, frustrating, sin, to be claimed in His name. Man that's hard business. If you disagree you have to ask yourself a simple question: Am I really submitting everything? Hopefully if we're all honest the answer is no, and will always be so on this side of Heaven. Personally I can't wait to get to Heaven when it can be a truthful yes, a glorious yes with Jesus and we get to see His glory all the time face to face. Boom.

How am I supposed to be?

2010-08-10T12:07:00.002-05:00

This is less of a struggle for me than it was like five years ago. I really struggled with how I was supposed to act around other people a few years ago, and I wish I had come across this text back then. Romans has been a fairly new revelation for me. I think it's a book of the Bible that a person needs to be at a certain place in their maturity to start to grasp. It has been pinnacle for me in understanding my sin and how Jesus was the atonement. This section is in the second half (chap 12) of the book where it's more about how we are to be than about deep theological truth that is the first half. I printed this out and am putting it above the kitchen sink as a reminder for me and my roommates. It's a great reminder about how to be.

⁹Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. ¹⁰Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. ¹¹Do not be slothful in zeal,be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. ¹²Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ¹³Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. ¹⁷Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. ¹⁸If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

road to death

2010-07-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

This morning I was reading through Romans. I've been on this book all year and it's still blowing my mind. I've been dwelling on past choices I've made now for a long time and am trying to understand how I keep continuing to in the moment forget the promises of God for momentary happiness. How is it that there are so many moments that I will disregard what is good for me for poison? I remember a conversation that Joel and I had this summer when I was lost in some moments of confusion that had Joel asking me, "do you hear yourself? You sound insane, literally insane, the words coming out of your mouth are insane." He was talking about sin leading to death. Not that we die now, but that if I were to continue in that sin it would lead to death. This hit home for me then, yet I still forgot it until today.

^{Romans 6:}
¹⁵What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, ¹⁸and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.¹⁹ I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

We are slaves to what we obey. I find that though the day my thoughts are split down the middle between sinful ones of desire and ones of holiness in Jesus. One leads to death, one to life. I desire to crucify these sins that start in my head. Sin of thought are where physical sin is born.

I really desire to be set free from sin. The truth is we already have been set free. So why do I keep living in death? I suppose it's the fight of being fallen. In v.19 Paul does say 'in human terms, because of our natural limitations'. We're always going to be presented with something else that is impure in our hearts and minds. But even with our minds always going wayward there is grace for us, loving, healing, powerful grace.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
prone to leave the God I love; 
here's my heart, O take and seal it
seal it for Thy courts above.

heartache

2010-07-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

Isn't it weird that heartache is physical? Many emotions take form physically, nervousness can wreck a stomach, which I've had my fair share of being a perpetual coward. But tonight the feeling is that of heartache. That's the only way to describe it. I am heartbroken tonight. Those that know me will probably know why I feel this way; I am yet again delving into the past. I think tonight is different as there are things going on in my heart that I'm addressing, so to really think through this I'm reading old emails. It's amazing how simply going through pages upon pages of email can bring back so many memories of past times. Not what the emails themselves say necessarily but the timing of all of them. I remember all of those emails and the ordering which I received them. Not all of it and when I see some I forgot, it reminds me.

Tonight was cathartic in some ways. It's making me thankful for Jesus, for the cross, for the fact that He's taken all of my sins because that's what I was presented with tonight. Email after email of my folly. My selfishness. My choices.

It's hard to gauge regret. I feel it and it feels real. I have it in many places in my life, but a running theme in my life are failed relationships. I want so bad to regret so many things in my life. But there are two things that I'm wrestling with on why I can't regret. 1) My life is being ordained with God with the end of Him being glorified in all of it. He redeems it all for His glory. He knew it would all happen and walk through it with me to teach me something new about Him. 2) That I can't regret not having more faith. What I would regret more than all the failure in relationships is not being more mature in Christ. I lament this. I look back and see a scared boy who is still living on spiritual milk, not a man who is being nourished with meat and potatoes. I can't speed up sanctification. While I wish that there were more times I was following Jesus than running, I can't change that in me and even now I want to run much of the time. I want to have more faith and be more mature five years ago so that I could be married then. The truth to that matter is that I don't want more faith to follow Jesus but to have him for something I want, which is idolatry.

So for these reasons my heart aches. It hurts. There are real scars there that I can't heal. There's anxiety in there I can't let go of. It's frustrating and difficult. I feel like a failure that I'm not married yet. That I have this desire and yet it is still not met. I question what it means that I'm still single. It shakes me.

I've always looked forward to having a family. Anyone who knows me how much I love kids and the idea of being a father. I wonder if I want it more than Jesus. I think I do a lot of the time. I don't want Jesus so I can have a family. I want Jesus because He saved me. It's hard business wrestling with your heart. That has been the epitome of this year for me. 8 months of me wrestling with my heart, desires, flesh, pain, fears, all of it. It gets tiresome. I want to be 'there' (wherever that is). It's a hard walk but one that is worth it for know more about Jesus. I'm not going to give up although it's rough. I want to give up a lot but Jesus is not letting me, neither are the people He's surrounded me with. I'm thankful for that.

Summer pt.2

2010-06-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so there was no Summer pt.1 post, but now I'm into the second stage of my summer vacation. Mom and I moved from Oakesdale, WA to Valparaiso IN over the last three days. It was a good trip and I'm proud of mom for sitting in a truck for so many hours at a time.

It was a bittersweet time in Oakesdale. I was really looking forward to a time of growth and reflection and above all else....goodbye. With my mom moving to Indiana, I fear that I won't be back to the inland empire for a long time.

This year (if any of you have read my posts this year) has been an interesting one for God and I (well not for God, he knew it would happen!). He's been teaching me a lot about what it means to follow Him and how much I've been prideful and idolatrous, it's been a hard year. I was conflicted between two feelings going home: 1) (the lofty one) is that I needed a break from the hardness of life and wanted to veg out and have fun and 2) (the hard one) is that I wanted to cut ties with the town I grew up in.

I am a nostalgic person and I spend way too much time thinking about the past and not the present nor future. I have spent a lot of time thinking about things, events, demons from my upbringing I wanted to set free. The problem is that I did nothing to let Jesus set them free. I was lazy and really didn't want to let them go, I was in my lofty state trying to soak it in rather than set it free.

The person that grew up in Oakesdale Washington is dead. He has been renewed into a different creature. A creature that seeks to worship the Creator and not the creation that He breathed out. The old is dead, the new is life. The problem is that I started to see the dead when I was there and missed parts of him. I wanted to relax and be him again. I started to be him. I forgot about why I was created. I forgot Jesus (kind of). I remembered Him with other people in prayer but I forgot about him with my own heart.

It was a sobering drive for me to leave the northwest. Had some good talks with by friend Joel who showed me grace, love, and a sobering look at who I was. The farther I drove from there the more I felt like myself.

It's been a weird trip, but a good one and I'm very thankful that I got to have it. God has been merciful to me.

The Never-forsaking God

2010-06-04T13:55:00.004-05:00

Text Size: Zoom In

Jun

2010

He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you’ —Hebrews 13:5

What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? “For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ ” ( Hebrews 13:5-6 ).

“I will never leave you . . .”— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

“I will never . . . forsake you.” Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

from My Utmost for His Highest - June 4

The Royal Tenenbaums

2010-06-03T19:10:00.002-05:00

I watched The Royal Tenenbaums today for the first time in two years. It's been a while since I've seen a movie that moves me. I used to watch them all the time but lately I've been too busy. I was reading some of the negative reviews of it on netflix. Man, some people are thick! I really can understand the comments that it is pretentious, it is. But under the uber-stylized set design, sparce dialogue, and strict attention to detail is a really heartwarming story of a man who seeks redemption for a lifetime of folly.

If there ever is a story of the prodigal son, it is this.

Royal (played by a hard to love for most of the film Gene Hackman) spends his whole life being estranged from his family because of his own selfishness. He sees nothing wrong with making himself the center of the universe and has no apologies for his actions. He gets kicked out of his house, his kids hate him (not so much Richie [the Baumer] though), and he lives in a hotel in which he also gets kicked out of. Through the film he realizes his need for his family and wants to redeem himself. He's not shy about how he feels, he explains how he seeks forgiveness but his family is more than unwilling to forgive. They kick him out again after he gets caught faking cancer in an attempt to get back in the Tenenbaum residence.

In one poignant scene Royal is sitting alongside Chas (played by Ben Stiller) at the grave of Chas's wife. Royal asks why he (chas) won't forgive him. Royal is seeking to redeem the lost years, but he thinks he can do it just by showing up and saying he's sorry. He doesn't yet realize that he needs to really show that he wants to change for them. He then spends the rest of the movie trying to change and in turn really does change. When he changes he immediately does things he should have done years ago. He gave his wife a divorce so she could remarry. He shows them that he really wants to be a part of their lives again. This is a key difference, not just saying but doing, that's the hard important part.

There are other plot lines that intertwine with this main plot. One of the hardest to watch scenes for me is the attempted suicide by Richie (played by Luke Wilson). He's in the bathroom shaving off his beard and cutting his hair, he pulls off the razor and slits his wrists. This is under the music of Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith. Most of the scene is comprised of a tight head shot which is for some reason is so powerful. It hurts so much to watch this. You want him to live, to have hope. It makes me sad every time I see it. Then the following scenes of all the family finding out rushing to the hospital. There's so much pain there, not overly dramatic as it would be in other films, a quiet pain that is real. Shock, hurriedly, calm, concerned not wailing and crying. It's an understated pain. It allows us (the viewer) to have emotion rather than trying to manipulate us to feel a certain way as most movies attempt to do.

The other scene that always gets me is the end. The final montage if Royal dying. All is well and reconciled. I love the moment when Chas's dog is killed and Royal buys him a new dog and says he bought it for the boys. Chas starts to cry and says he's had a bad year to which Royal grabs him and says he knows. So simple, powerful, understated. When Royal dies Chas is in the ambulance with him and is the only one to see him pass. It's sad and beautiful. It reminds me the end of American Beauty, in that the protagonist has a change of heart and is redeemed only to their peril a short time later. The death of both characters both gives more hope than sadness. They have found out something good and got to experience that before they died. Most people don't find this out ever and die some tragic death, yet these two saw some truth.

Anyone who doesn't appreciate this film isn't a bad person, I didn't like it the first time either. As a matter of fact I had to watch the other Wes Anderson films first to get this one. Of the Anderson films this one is the most heartwarming. There are some truly stunning moments in it that make your heart burn. This is my favorite Wes Anderson.

I also think it's mis-labeled. It's not a comedy. Try to compare to Wedding Crashers and you'll see two opposite films. Tenenbaums is a nuanced telling of flawed characters going through a redemptive process. I think it would be easy to say that the plot doesn't advance a lot, but the advancement it has is powerful and important. Redemption is sweet. Forgiveness is powerful and life changing. We find this in Jesus, that is why it's so powerful. Legalism has no power. Forgiveness, grace, love, redemption is. We are redeemed by none other than God himself in the person and works of Jesus. He personally redeemed every person to ever live. This is a truth that I am still learning about and letting wash over me. I love movies that point me to Jesus and Tenenbaums is one of the movies that I see Jesus all over in. Thank you Wes Anderson for being a good storyteller full of nuance and meaning. Thank you Jesus for making people creative that we can tell of your love in different mediums, genres, styles, and people.

A little oswald chambers for you

2010-05-20T10:19:00.002-05:00

When a person is born again, there is a period of time when he does not have the same vitality in his thinking or reasoning that he previously had. We must learn to express this new life within us, which comes by forming the mind of Christ (see Philippians 2:5 ). Luke 21:19 means that we take possession of our souls through patience. But many of us prefer to stay at the entrance to the Christian life, instead of going on to create and build our soul in accordance with the new life God has placed within us. We fail because we are ignorant of the way God has made us, and we blame things on the devil that are actually the result of our own undisciplined natures. Just think what we could be when we are awakened to the truth!

There are certain things in life that we need not pray about— moods, for instance. We will never get rid of moodiness by praying, but we will by kicking it out of our lives. Moods nearly always are rooted in some physical circumstance, not in our true inner self. It is a continual struggle not to listen to the moods which arise as a result of our physical condition, but we must never submit to them for a second. We have to pick ourselves up by the back of the neck and shake ourselves; then we will find that we can do what we believed we were unable to do. The problem that most of us are cursed with is simply that we won’t. The Christian life is one of spiritual courage and determination lived out in our flesh.

May 20th from "My utmost for his highest"

funny misconceptions

2010-05-20T09:16:00.000-05:00

I was thinking this morning about the perception of of Christians. I think that many spend a lot of time thinking about what non-christians think about them and about their faith. I'm not here to try to dissuade anyone from believing what they want or to try to proselytize anyone. I'm here to say a few things about what it is really like to follow Jesus.

1) It is much harder than anyone thinks it is. I think there's this bait-and-switch mentality which people attempt to evangelize. We give the impression that Jesus wants to make your life easier and better for you. In a way he does. His desire is for us to follow Him and to shape us more like Jesus. He means it. Not on any time scale we think, but on His. Sometimes urgent, sometimes slow, He works on us at all different speeds. I've found that once that initial commitment to Jesus wears off that we're all left with trying to become actual disciples, which is hard. Sanctification is hard folks, and if it's not you should check your heart.

2) It is not about outward changes, but inward. Anyone can change their behavior. But Jesus knows our hearts, the desire behind how we act. He said that if we lust in our hearts we've committed adultery with that woman. Now this isn't some legalistic way of tightening the reigns on our actions, but to give even all of our thoughts to Him. He took everything that we are and do and made it into a heart condition. Where our hearts lie is also our desires. We constantly have to be checking our hearts because fundamentally they are flawed and only Jesus can change them for the better. When we change it's behavior modification, when Jesus changes us it's our heart.

3) It is SO much BETTER than anyone thinks it is. To quote Tom Hanks in "A League of their Own", "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." It is hard and that's one thing that makes it worth it. The other is that Jesus is worth it. He's worth any pathetic attempt I have to follow, and believe me it's pathetic. But he doesn't mind my pathetic attempt. He doesn't mind that I am where I am although I wish "I were farther". We're so linear and God is not. He walks along side of us through all of this and He truly loves us. I think the whole thing is amazing. He has redeemed us. We may have bad days, weeks, years, but He will redeem them all for His glory. All of my failures, then, now and future He has made right and redeemed.

My walk is different than I thought it would be. I love that. I thought it would be a steady climb through sanctification. I thought I'd always be getting better. But it's not like that. We fall. We hurt. We don't trust Jesus. We do what we want. God will let us have the desire of our hearts, and if it's not Him, He permits it. But when we to idolize other things and run away from Him, He's right there again like the prodigal son with open arms and loving grace. The old hymn had it right: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." I wish more people would dwell in those words than sing some melody with worthless words. They are powerful.

memory

2010-05-15T12:17:00.001-05:00

It's a weird thing. That we have memories. That at any moment we can close our eyes and go back to any moment that we can think of. Most memories are triggered by something, a smell, a song, an image, a moment. Lately I've been going up to this park at night to swing. In those moments I forget so much of what I've been dealing with lately only to be fifteen year old Patrick swinging on a warm June night back home. It literally feels like I am in that moment again. I can actually feel like what I felt like almost fifteen years ago. It feels great.

Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano. I loved it. It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that. It continually annoyed me. I doesn't anymore. I loved hearing it. I wish they had played it so much more. It took me back.

Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I know this, it is nothing new to me. But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now. This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past. I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind. He did a very good thing for us. He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there. My heart dwells there. The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51). I want my life to be here and now with Jesus. Not in the dullery that was my former life.

No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to. I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young. The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us. I can literally feel the weight of the world on me. It's physical. It's real. It hurts. I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

It's weird being so flawed. This is the state of man's heart. We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair. There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you. It's impossible. People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham. We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves. We can't even control our own feelings! We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill? or lie? I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things. Who wants to be an adulterer? Who wants to be a murderer? Who wants to be a liar?

There is only one help for the state of our hearts. Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there. He actually indwells inside of our bodies. There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon. The indwelling of the spirit. It's real. He's here. He's inside of us. This is both good and incredibly good for us. I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us. People say they can actually feel the spirit in them. Feel it. It's real. It's not some mental construct we made up. Why would I make it up? The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness. There is also a lot of joy. Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.

I'm glad that God created us to have memories. We have them for a reason. We need to remember. We need to remember why we're here, why we were created. It's so beautiful. We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand. Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.

two opposing things

2010-04-23T18:29:00.000-05:00

I feel completely deflated. That's really the best word to describe where I am. I feel like a lame duck. Like a president on his last month after two terms. I didn't want to get out of bed (again) this morning. It was all I could do to get out of the apartment in time for our departmental at 11. Why can't I be rejoicing in how God's changing me? I'm not. I've been pretty much a DB my whole life. Although now I'm really starting to understand why, it's not encouraging to hear that I was (is). Maybe that's the source of my problem...that I always have thought of myself as being a good person, but the reality is that I'm not. I've literally been deluding myself all these years. Even more so since I've accepted Christ. I've done heinous things all while proclaiming to be a believer. What hypocrisy!

It's weird. Dealing with all of this. I'm feeling the sin with no hope. With no silver lining. Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it. But right now it's completely gone. I hate this, I really do. I've never felt so weak and pathetic. I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month). At this point I really feel like giving up. Just sitting in my room and not coming out. I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.

On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight. She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers. She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in. We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end. My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.

wreckage

2010-04-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

So this weekend I was in a real car accident. One of those 'slam of the breaks but can't stop because of slippery roads I misjudged the speed' types of things. I rear ended the car in front of me, going I think between 40-45 mph. He was at a standstill in the middle lane. BOOM! Everyone was okay (thank the Lord). I got a ticket, lost my car, and had to make my first claim on my car insurance. It was a big day.

Here are the pics of my Honda R.I.P.

looks like I'll be taking the scooter from now on....

oh monday how I loathe you...

2010-04-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Maybe it was a realization that I was in a car accident this weekend, or the gloomy weather, or the upcoming end of semester push, but it was something. I just didn't want to get out of bed. Not because I was tired so much. Mostly because I didn't want the day to start. It's one of those weird lies we all believe, 'if I don't get up the day won't start'. Unfortunately no matter when we get up the day does start.

There was a point after I checked my email that I had a decision to make. My routine is usually getting up, checking email, then reading, showering, school......etc. I didn't want to read this morning. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to be miserable. I wanted to feel hopeless. My body ached still from the crash. A million things were rushing through my head. It was all a little too overwhelming.

So the choice...Do I try and do it on my own, or do I take it to God. The answer seems obvious. But in those moments we don't want to take it to God. We want to wallow in it. I certainly do.

So I got out my bible and read the first six chapters of Romans. What a grand reminder! I've been living in Romans this semester and it never fails to hear what screw ups we are. It was just God convicting me. And convicting me. And convicting me.

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?
-Romans 2: 1-4 (emphasis mine)

The whole point of grace is to lead up to repent. Oh how I've thought differently all these years. I thought it was there so I could mess up without going to hell. While that is technically true, that there is nothing I can do to lose my salvation, the point of God's grace is to lead us toward being more like Christ. This can only happen if we have repentant hearts. Constantly repenting of our sins so God can really start to change us, to shape us. I am just at the beginning of this journey and I still have a lot to learn about it. It's hard, and I'm not really happy that I'm here. But I am joyful that Jesus loves us (me) enough to put me through whatever it is I need to go through to only grasp on to Him. Only to Him.

Real-time improv

2010-04-13T15:54:00.000-05:00

This whole year I've been meeting with 3 other composers every week to improvise. At first it was just something fun we did (at least that's what it was for me). But through the year we've sort of improved a lot and starting to really think this could be a real musical opportunity. Last month we had our first performance performing "the well and the gentle" by Pauline Oliveros. It was a total blast! We were a bit nervous, but the performance was actually our best run through of it to date and I think that's a good sign for an ensemble. We're looking for a name which is difficult but we're on the path!

We're added a 5th member, Paul Thomas on accordion which is a great addition to my electric guitar, L. Scott Price on electric guitar, Sarah Summar on violin, and Ben Johansen on alto sax.

Original Quartet with Pauline Oliveros:

L to R: Sarah Summar, Ben Johansen, Patrick Peringer, Scott Price

Rehearsal at Sarah's (please don't knock the shaved head)

photo: David Summar

Another rehearsal pic

photo: David Summar

Improv with dancers in MEIT

Photo: Michelle Hurt

Visuals: Ben Johaneson

Another angle

Sarah and Scott

Scott

Paul

Ben

Patrick

One more of me....

Kids love

2010-04-13T15:37:00.001-05:00

I was walking with Lee a bit last night (after I ate Chicken Express [gross] way too late and was feeling bad) and I was telling him about my nephews and niece. Of course I don't have my own kids yet (God-willing) but my sister does, I love hers very much. I've loved those kids ever since the hearing of my sisters first pregnancy (I found out thanksgiving, 2002).

I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us. I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece. We're pals. Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey). I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love. I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me. She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him. I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults. It's really a trust thing. They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent. Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.

It's a really beautiful thing.

Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.

The larger point to be made is that love is trust. We can't love something that we don't really trust. It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust. After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again. To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.

We have to trust God to love Him. This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!). It's hard to live that out. It's hard to trust that God is sovereign. We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control. Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather. When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.

God is in control. As trite and cliché as that sounds and its. It's a reality. The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept. I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that. I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future. I know He does, but I'm not living that out. I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ. This post is truly to me as well as everyone else. I am reminding myself that God has it all. I don't have it. I trust that He does.

is she not the cutest?

So back to my niece. I love her to pieces. She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her. How much better is it when we feel the same about God? We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us. I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle. I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him. I'm thankful.

we make crazy faces!

IDOL

2010-04-07T19:57:00.001-05:00

I'm just sitting here at Zera's coffee shop, my new favorite place to go listening to some music. Greg Jenkins sent me an email to show me this video of this band performing a song that reminded him of when we played together. It's weird thinking about that time in my life. That time in Ohio when I was so on fire for Jesus, didn't feel completely broken, and was worshipping God with my guitar. I truly miss those times. But Jesus in His perfect grace has placed me here, in Texas. I love this place. I love my church, The Village. I just hate where I am. God is trying to teach me a lesson I do not want to learn. It's a lesson I've been avoiding for many years.

I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way. A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless. If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride. The idolatry of my heart. Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in. I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death. Because of His death I am alive. Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.

He's slowly, tenderly breaking me. It's hard. It's not fun. I want to be on the other side of it. But He won't let me until it sinks in. Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else. Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure. He wants Him to be all those things and more. More. MORE! There is so much more out there. More of Him, less of me. This is my design. My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can. We all were designed for that purpose. Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God. Naked. Free. Loved.

God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us. We just wanted to be greater than Him. We wanted more knowledge than Him. We wanted to control ourselves more than Him. We wanted to be Him to ourselves.

Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester. He's a great guy. He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person. We meet once a week to talk. To talk about anything. Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings. I love these conversations. He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!). It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room. He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside. He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music). He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through. It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range. You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things. How me made this existence. He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful. We just clean a little spot to see Him. We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time. When I write a piece I clean a spot. People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.

When I think about stuff like that, I smile. This is the good stuff in life. The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right. I love those moments. Unfortunately, this isn't real life. We fail. We hurt. We're scared. The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there. He's there for all who call on His name. Call on His name everyday. He will never fail you. He will never fail me. I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail. It all works out to glorify Him. I'm ready. I'm ready to have God take me. I'm praying for the hard road. The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk. The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple. To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it. He does. Walk the hard road.

life is crazy

2010-02-26T20:41:00.000-06:00

This semester is kind of kicking my A. I'm taking four classes which is one more than I took last semester and these classes require much more time than the last ones. Physical Modeling is a two parter: 1) learn interesting digital audio process through math and diagrams 2) Implement in C Sound (or MAX). The MAX stuff I kind of get, but C Sound is brand new to me and it's ripping me a new one.

Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900. This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester. We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro. We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis. This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1. I woke up in a panic and started to get to work. My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time). Now I am a fast test taker. I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it. This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class. So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking. I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it. But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.

My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular. I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May. This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet. I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.

It's going to be a push to get to spring break. Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers. One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people. The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it). It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin. We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least! This is all coming up in the next few weeks. Crazy time.

God let me make it to spring break.

Debates

2010-02-15T00:54:00.001-06:00

This was an interesting debate series by ABC. This debate was really funny in parts. Man, people believe stupid things. This Bishop needs to get off his 'I am damaged by fundamentalism' soapbox, and he has a very small God. Deepak is an idiot.

Here's my favorite Deepak quote:

'There are forces of creativity and forces of entropy and there's tension between them. IF you only had evolutionary forces the universe would rapidly burn itself up and disappear into the heat death of absolute zero. If there were only destructive forces the universe would rapidly collapse into a black hole, before you could say 'Jesus Christ'.' (-5:17) from face-off 9.

-Could he have added any more abstract, BS, quasi-scientific terminology in there. Why don't you just say 'The universe would implode into an atom moving twice the speed of light in orbit of a blah...blah...blah...'

I'm glad I don't put my faith in science as science only reveals what limited knowledge we know. I'm not saying that science is bad, science gives us a peek into how God made things work. But if you glorify the creation (and how it works) and not the Creator, you're focusing on the wrong thing. The funny thing is, what has science afforded us? Are we really better off with all our technology? We still fight, we're not any more 'enlightened' than any other time and God knows we're the most advanced, and we still have many wars. (I know many will say war is caused by religion and especially people 'in the name of Christ' but people who kill in the name of Christ have a small view of God) God is good and he wants you to choose Him over this world and yourself. This is not a lie, that's all he wants out of us. He wants us to believe Him which really benefits us more than any other thing on this planet (or universe).

Driscoll stepped it up and was calm and sharp. Nice.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/FaceOff/

Where's Christ?

2010-02-14T08:46:00.001-06:00

A generous segment of today's social and cultural preaching is increasingly Christless. Instead of Jesus, the message is either personal moral fortitude or collective political action. Because this sort of preaching appeals to the fears and emotions of evangelicals, it is commonplace. Thanks to people like James Dobson, Jesus has become the patron saint of any conservative's social and political agenda. While many of these crusaders are doubtless correct on the Biblical worldview, they are also usually too busy getting us to the polls to get us to Christ.

The Bible is certainly not oblivious to moral issues. The prophetic voices in scripture testify to God's holy concern with how we treat one another, and how justice is exhibited in society. But the key to scripture is always Jesus, not moral or social reform. In some of his most shocking words, Jesus says that there is a comparison that can be made between religion that helps the poor and the Gospel that commands all men everywhere to repent and believe.

Evangelicals are emotionally--and politically--engaged with cultural battles like homosexual marriage and abortion. They have demonstrated substantial growth in their support of ministries of mercy. But some of this political and moral involvement has been at the cost of Christ-centered preaching. "The Crisis"--whatever it might be--is never the point of our discipleship. We are always followers of Jesus.

-Michael Spencer 'Internet Monk'

http://www.internetmonk.com/articles/N/nochrist.html

New Semester

2010-01-25T20:42:00.000-06:00

Last week was the start of a new semester. I'm glad to be in the new year with a new semester as the last one was good but kept rolling along. The weather in Denton the last few weeks has been great, mostly sunny and in the 60's or higher. This really makes me happy and I've been taking some walk which have been nice.

I'm starting a new piece and I'm still undecided on what to do. I don't have a consistent teacher this semester as my lessons are going to be covered by the numerous guest composers we have this semester including Harvey Sollberger, Libby Larsen, Pauline Oliveros, Claude Baker, and more. With the weeks of no guests I'll be with Dr. May. So it will be pretty cool I think.

I am going to write a piece with many short movements instead of one long one. I don't have many (really any) works that are multi-movement and I really want to work on that. I want to write a chamber piece, <=7 players, and my initial instrumentation is flute, clarinet, alto sax, 2 trombones, piano, percussion. But after talking to Dr. May I am not so sure as it may be cool, but not pragmatic. The 'standard' mixed ensemble is called 'Pierro' after Schoenberg's 'Pierro Lunaire' which is flute, clarinet, violin, cello, piano. This is pretty standard and if I did that with a percussionist that would be pretty standard. I guess I could get a trombone involved which would make a 7 person ensemble. Anyways, I'm still thinking.

I am going to quasi-model it off of Messiaen's 'Quartet for the end of time' which is for violin, clarinet, cello, and piano. It has 8 movements which I think will serve as somewhat of a model for my piece. At least it will give me a starting point. I want it to have to do with the bible, but I don't know what aspect I want to bring out, which stories, which truths. I've been spending a lot of time in Genesis and that would be obvious with creation and all, but I want something less obvious and trite, something more original, not that this will in any way add to the bible, it's just my take and expression of it.

What I like about being at Brandi's

2009-12-24T09:25:00.003-06:00

So I'm in Valparaiso Indiana at my sister's for Christmas. It's been a really good time except I'm getting used to the weather, it's so cold! We're all having a good time. Here are some pics of the kids and a few I took last night about things I like here.

Jude, the original christmas ham!

Sibley and I do CRAZY EYES!

All kids asleep in the car

Zipperface!

So Brandi told me to bring a stocking, and I have the matching stocking but brought only my old one. Talk about the odd man out.

The christmas tree (in all it's splendor!)

A long exposure shot of the snow in the back yard last night.

More pictures to come at a later date! Merry Christmas!

Pillars of Sun

2009-12-04T18:55:00.000-06:00

Here's the link to listen to my string quartet. Enjoy! Click on WAV file for best quality.

http://mu2009-nt106567.music.unt.edu/Patrick_Peringer/

String Quartet Pictures

2009-12-04T10:06:00.000-06:00

Here are a few pics of me with the quartet last night at our second recording session. I'll be posting soon the edited version of the piece. (photos by Josh Harris)

Stressful weeks!

2009-11-18T21:21:00.000-06:00

In my Contemporary Performace Practice seminar the only real grade is the final presentation and paper. I've known about it all semester, I've had my topic loosely chosen since the beginning of October and of course three weeks ago I was sick on the day we signed up for the presentation and I got tomorrow, instead of after thanksgiving. This is a blessing and a curse in that I only had a few weeks to get it all ready, but I would be done before thanksgiving and I could write the paper over the "break" (in quotes because UNT only give thurs and friday off).

Of course the focus on my topic has shifted throughout my reseatch and I finally have a solid topic. I am exploring the strictness of time in some proportionally notated works by Toru Takemitsu. If you aren't a musician what that means is Takemitsu wrote a few pieces that don't have defined time-divisions (like a meter with tempo [remember from band a time signature 'four-four' and a tempo 'Quarter = 90 beats per minute]) but with gestures of notes with no clearly quantized (lined up) rhythms. While this is really an oversimplification, it's the best I can do. What typical performers see when they see proportional notation is freedom and expression. They think they can hold notes longer because it may be a note that is to be held for 4 to 6 seconds, which gives them an option for how long they hold the note.

What I am proving through Bryce, Water-ways, and Rain Spell is that Takemitsu did not intend for the spatial notation to give hte performers licence to alter the time more than he has allowed. There is very intricate timing-cues and event orderings that make the piece sound how it does. If a careless ensemble were to perform these works they could really mess up the sound by being lazy. Contant diligence is required by the performers to be listening and knowing the other parts to see how they incorporate into the fray.

I am especially interested in this because my new string quartet has many minutes of spatial notation and I've been frustrated with my quartet for not knowing how to interpret it and I have to explain it and count it for them. Spatial notation is nothing new, but apparently it's not dogma quite yet, and how to interpret it is even farther behind than even knowing what it is. I am hoping to bridge some kind of gap for performers on what the composer's intent it and how to interact with the music.

At any rate, I've found this very interesting and useful to my research interests. I also really love the music. If you want to hear bits of Bryce or Rain Spell go to this page and have a listen for a minute. It's really beautiful, exotic stuff.

my work setup

2009-11-02T09:54:00.000-06:00

I got up early to work on my piece (because I decided to do a final copy on the computer) and had to make a run across town to get a numerical pad which expedites the copying process greatly in Sibelius. I've been working and I thought that I love my setup, so I thought I'd share it with you alls.

This is an overall shot of my desk, which is actually Nick's dining room table that's in the living room.

We never use it so I thought I'd just camp out here to get my work done. Two screens, one bible, one cup of coffee, and a lot of cool stuff (notice the stack of 'brainy' books).

A vertical shot of it. I put in that light a few weeks ago because this side of the living room was really dark and I couldn't see anything, it really helps. Also notice above the painting that my grandmother Dorothy Norton Peringer painted in '63. I love it being above where I work.

Two displays! Well, one extra really as one automatically comes with the macbook.

A hot cup of coffee with pumpkin spice creamer in it. It's a seasonal favorite, so I need to use it while it lasts.

A handy paper holder I got at U of I after seeing Bukvich have one (I actually have one of his around here somewhere).

A shot of the right side with my three hard drives (too many!) and my new numerical pad.

This is where I live and work. I am really starting to like it, so much so that I might try to buy this table when my lease ends and Nick and I move apart. I don't have class till 3 today, so I'll be working here all day, I love it!

Sunday mornings

2009-11-01T10:38:00.001-06:00

I love my Sunday mornings. They are the highlight of my week. It's weird that I'm not at the age where instead of Friday or Saturday nights, I look forward to my Sunday mornings (Saturdays are usually similar).

I wake up, get a shower and get ready and get to Starbucks so I can compose and get a coffee (lately pumpkin spice latte's). I don't get coffee from there during the week as it's too much money, so I save it for the weekends. I get there, get my coffee and just compose. It's my designated composition time. I look at it like time with music and God, because I have church at 11, which is a great time because it's enough time in the morning to get a good session in. I don't have to think about anything else, work, school work, money, or anything else. I can just sit, drink my coffee, think about God, write music. It's really the perfect time for me. Today the sun was out, it was blue skies, and I worked on getting to the end of my final hand-draft. I got there and came up with a great idea for the end which extended the ending by over 30 seconds which brings the total time for the piece to 13 minutes. I still have 9 bars after the mid-point to work out, but I have a good idea of what to do and I'm going to take care of that after church.

I realized two things about who I am as a composer and how I look at my music:
1) I'm not experimental for experimental's sake.
-Too many composers are trying to be experimental just to be experimental. Their music usually lacks soul, emotion, and creativity. It becomes a gimmick, and people usually forget about it except for maybe some gimmickey "experimental" aspect. I want people to remember my music for what it makes them feel, not that I'm writing gushy-hyper-emotional-trash just to get people to weep. There is a balance between the brain and the heart but they both should be fully engaged.
2) I'm not composing to impress anyone.
-Too many composers write to impress other people, namely musicians and namely other composers. My music is not impressive from a technical, or virtuosic standpoint. I really don't care for it to. Not that I write simplistic music, although I value simplicity and a clear sense of direction. I don't care if anyone listens to my music and are impressed by it's exciting elements. My music is not bombastic, or overly intense. It has times where it can be a little 'notey', but overall I like space to be a factor in the structure. My SQ has a lot of space in it, maybe too much in fact. The first three and last four minutes are long phrases with just a few notes held throughout. I like it and think it will be a meditative thing.

yet again....

2009-10-29T18:03:00.000-05:00

I get these symptoms that doctors can't make any sense of. It's always with my digestion tract. This case knocked me out the last few days, which in the middle of the week seems to make the whole week void. I went to the student health center and the doctor didn't know what it was. She said it wasn't my appendix which is good. I started to feel ill two days ago with an upset stomach and tired achy body. Then last night I got a pain in my right side. So I'm on the BRAT diet for today and maybe tomorrow. I pray that I get better as this isn't getting worse or better. I need to become functional again! If I can get better tomorrow then I can work through the weekend and get back on track.

String Quartet

2009-10-18T23:48:00.001-05:00

I finished the first draft of my string quartet tonight. It excites me because I haven't been in school for a while and I didn't know if I'd get back in the swing of composing under deadlines and time pressure. I'm happy to say that this is almost the earliest time in a semester I've finished the first draft for a piece, so it looks like I'm on track.

Now about the piece. I got this idea of expansion/contraction when I was binge and purging ideas at the beginning of my process. I really like the idea of an idea growing and then collapsing. So I drew a diamond (or a rhombus as my roommate said [I had forgotten what a rhombus was!]) and divided it up into vertical columns of 5x5 creating 25 smaller sections. Each column of the diamond is separated out into larger sections by column. So, 1 is the first section, 2 and 3 for the second sections, 4 5 6 for third, and so on. This forms a macro form of 1 2 3 4 5 4 3 2 1, or an arch or palindrome (see fig.1). At first I didn't like the idea of an exact palindrome (that is write the first half and reverse the second note-for-note and rhythm-for-rhythm).

fig. 1

This form poses problems from a compositional standpoint. The most apparent and difficult one for me was that the way we listen to music is relational. We hear aural relationships over time, but throughout western culture we're used to certain events happening in certain orders. We like for a piece to build to a climax and then come down (I like it too). Things have to be paced though. We usually like the climax to be at or near the end. According to this form the climax would have to be in block-13, the direct middle because anything before or after is to be repeated even if it's an abstract repetition (at this point I didn't know if the second half would be a literal palindrome or just essence). Either way, 13 is the middle and thus the only unique micro-block not to be repeated.

So my initial thought was to have the beginning (blocks 1-3) be quiet and only contain one or two notes. A single note to start, fig.2, (D because it was the central note when when stacking the open strings of all the quartet, C G D A (vla, cel) and G D A E (vln) so C G D A E, with D in the middle) that will eventually glissando into two, D and E, fig.3. Eventually C# above enters and we have a nice little three note chord that contains the intervals that I love, M2, M7.

fig.2

fig.3

This is all nice and well and ended up taking much more time than I thought, this is a good thing though. It lets the beginning breathe and have space. This is what it needed and it is what I gave it. So after four phrases of slow building intensity we get to column 4 (blocks 7-10). This is where I had no clue what to do. This is an intermediate section before the big crazy column 5 but more active than the opening 4 phrases (first three minutes). It needed to be active but not to intense. I for some reason wanted a "doppler" type effect. So I thought it might be time to have them align in a tempo (so far it's been free of that) and play with some dynamics. In fig.4, the details of the transition are still to be worked out (going from ametrical to "metered" where is eighth note=120) but the dynamics shifting will shape the sound to be moving yet static.

fig.4

The measure that says 1:40 above it is where I start a number process between all the players. They are repeating a measure 4 times and then moving on, but each measure has a different amount of notes. It is based on a number sequence permutated. In the cello look at the numbers below the staff, 8 7 6 5, and in the violin I, 5 6 7 8. The inner parts are scrambled (vln II 6 5 8 7 and vla 7 8 5 6). The number sequence is then reversed back to the start, ex. vln I, 5 6 7 8 8 7 6 5. I think this process worked out very nicely.

The next section is column 5 where there is the most action and intensity. If you know anything about my compositional style, you'll know this is a perpetual problem with me. I have a hard time composing "virtuostic" or bombastic sounds. In this draft I kept everthing spatial and abolished bar lines. I'll probably notate this section accurately and I think there will be a lot of specific rhytmic interplay between parts. Fig.5 is the beginning of this section that I think can stay proportional, but the rhythms get increasingly more accurate later on.

fig.5

The main bulk of the fragments in this next section are built off this 8-note sequence (seen in vln I, D# D, A, G#, A#, C#, G, F) or the opening tri-chord (D, E, C#). This section breaks up into smaller 2-3-4-5 note chunks of notes intermixed with plucks and strums of muted strings. It should sound chunky and strident. This intensity gives way though to block-13 which is the mid-point and the only non-repeated block. I wanted the climax to be calm, understated, and a contrast the the material being worked out in sections 4 and 5.

fig.6

In fig. 7, notice that the fragments now will have holds of notes after them, to make a seam or constant notes or chords. The notes sustained form C# D# G G#, which is the tetrachord that most of the pitch material is based on.

fig.7

It's getting late here, so I'll have to post the rest of the piece-in-progress tomorrow or at a later time. I know this is a cliff-hanger for all of you! I like doing this, it helps me to flesh out what I'm doing in words and it's a public forum so I can get some feedback maybe.

black coffee and cockroach!

2009-10-06T08:25:00.000-05:00

This morning was a weird one. First I'd like to say that I've finally given into drinking black coffee. I suppose it's bound to happen to any coffee drinker. I like it better (with a little sugar) than with all the creamers. The exception is pumpkin spice, which is in season (does artificial flavoring really have a season?) right now so I shall partake in that.

This picture is tricky though because lurking behind that seemingly innocent coffee apparatus is (was) an infestation of cockroaches! We had them pretty pretty bad (in larry david's voice) for a while until last week I bought COMBAT!® which baits them into taking some poison back to their lair and sharing it with their friends over a game of cards until they all die. It's been much better since except this morning....

....when I came out of the shower to see this little monster! Just sitting on a pair of pants in my room. So naturally I took a pic to document it and then I got out a sandal and hit it and flushed it down to toilet! Welcome to Texas.

how big god is

2009-10-05T09:52:00.000-05:00

I was walking to church yesterday and lately it's been really rainy here in Texas. This was something I was not expecting and to be honest wasn't too thrilled about. But this last rain wasn't too bad as it came in really hard fits for less than half an hour, then complete sunniness. That was on Friday, by Sunday it was just overcast with some misting.

I was thinking about sin and how I've lately let it become more of a focus to me than God. I think we all go through times like this. It's exactly what the Evil One wants us to believe, that our sins are so bad that God won't forgive them. This is a boldface lie (to quote GOB)! But still it doesn't seem to be true to our human sensibilities, we can't comprehend that kind of forgiveness.

Here's the picture I saw walking to church-

a single drop of water lazily falling into a small puddle the size of a square of sidewalk. it was one of those spots in a sidewalk where the concrete has disappeared or somehow dig deeper into the earth. it was overtaken by water in a small square maybe 2.5 x 2.5 feet. this drop of water hit the surface and a 3d wave spread out beyond the center. i think of this as a drop of sin in the entire sin of my life. imagine how many drops of water are in that puddle. a whole lifetime (at least 28 years) of sinning and i just added one more drop. at first it ripples and disturbs the surface but after a few seconds it's all still again. now imagine this, taking that water in the pond and dropping it in the middle of the pacific ocean. would it even be traceable? would it even disturb even one single small wave? God is bigger than that ocean. we can't even imagine how big it is. God is big, my sin is small. why do I let it get in the way of all that?

The Magician, and my diet stinks

2009-10-03T15:05:00.000-05:00

So this week was the most stressful of this semester, which isn't saying much because in the grad scheme it really wasn't that big of a deal or test. We had a concert Monday, (see previous post) which went well but was time consuming. Then on Thursday I had a presentation on Serialism, with a parter, for 80 minutes. I took the first 40 with cramming the history of the 2nd Viennese School through Boulez. In 40 minutes I went about 30 years. My partner Gabi (a flautist from Brazil) took Babbitt and played some excerpts from him and spoke more. It went well I think. It really wasn't that 'hard', but it was my first kind of test here and I didn't want to look bad or flunk it, so in that respect it was a big deal. It was good. I also met with a string quartet for them to read through what I have so far in my piece. It went well but was some work to get it all ready for them. I've since them re-notated what I've got which is about 2 minutes of music. I'm meeting with them on Tuesday for another half hour which will be a really good time for me. On top of all that I went to two improv session (wed. night with some other DMA composers, thurs. at the dance dept. at TWU [Texas Women's University]). It was fun, then after I went to Scott's (a fellow DMA composer, who also went to BGSU a year ahead of me, so I know him) with Ben (another DMA composer) and had a beer with some really really cheap pizza. I woke up friday literally thinking it was Saturday.

I'm reading this book "The Magicians" which my friend Megan sent me. I'm through the first half and I really like most all of it, except some out of context language that I think is not becoming. I am excited to dive into the second half Megan has this idea that when she finished a book to send it to another person my mail. I like this idea, like a book share program. Rather than reading and putting on shelf till you move and decide to throw it out, give it some use to someone else. This could be a good idea!

I think my poor diet is catching up with me. My stomach is upset most all the time and I think my body is literally rejecting much of the food on a regular basis. I need to eat better! Someone help me!!! I don't know how to cook or really take care of myself in the food realm. Help me!!!!

Centerpieces Concert

2009-09-29T10:21:00.001-05:00

Last night was the first concert in our Centerpieces series here at UNT. It went off amazingly! The newly-renovated Merril Ellis Intermedia Theater (MEIT) was amazing to take out for a spin and she performed beautifully. I was in charge of the output mixer which I had recently become introduced to and it was intuitive and east to run. It was a great concert too. I had Contrast performed by Kyle Stec and Steve Friel. They played well and the piece was very nice sounding in that space. Here are a few pics from the event.

Reflection of Adam off the piano

A good shot of the MEIT

From the control station

Me pretending to diffuse

Greg Dixon actually diffusing

The output mixer

Our controls

A full house about to experience new electronic music

a new thing I do

2009-09-26T08:51:00.001-05:00

I think that part of me is growing up. Well maybe not, but something I've been doing since I got here is make my bed every morning. I don't know why but I love it. I've never ever made my bed consistently. I've always just left it and it never looked nice. Now my room is almost always clean and my bed made up. So I can just go in and lay on top without it being all messy. I like that.

Are We Robots?

2009-09-25T09:30:00.005-05:00

When you walk across college campus you might think that college students are robots. Almost every person walks around with a nice white set of ear buds placed directly in their ears. I'm trying to convince myself that they are in fact not robots and the those cords aren't controlling their brains, but from my knowledge of music I think that music does control the brain.

The most unfortunate aspect of this is that we humans are tuning out the life around us. There is a whole soundscape to our lives that happen naturally. The world we live in is vibrant with sound and interesting ones at that! It's too bad that everyone is too busy listening to the latest over-compressed piece of garbage on the radio.

I heard one of my favorite "natural" sound walking to school today. It's the sound of beeping from a construction vehicle. I love that tone, especially if it's a bit far off, it makes it sound almost ethereal, especially if there are two like there was today. Two different (or the same) pitches that beep in and out of phase because they are almost the same tempo, but just slightly different. It's like my own Different Trains but with real sounds. I love it.

I tried to load a sound clip but I had some problems. I'll figure it out later

Addictions

2009-09-22T13:45:00.002-05:00

I went to the 7/11 that is by my apartment today to get the usual, a 32 oz. Pepsi®. I love Pepsi, that's the truth. I refuse to get a fountain Coke, only Pepsi. Now out of necessity I'll get a Coke from the vending machine in the music building because it's the only machine, and it's Coke on all of campus (and pretty much everywhere else down here), so I'll get it. But for fountain, nothing touches a good old Pepsi.

This got me thinking as the guy before me in line is the maintenance guy for my complex. He's the typical hippie-turned-worker guy who always smells bad of a mixture of BO and beer. He was at the store buying three large sized individual Milwaukee's Best beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon. I felt sorry for him as I think that might be an indicator of a problem. But then again, I'm getting my pepsi.

Addiction is a funny thing. It always starts out as something you like, then pretty soon you can't live without it. Unfortunately, addictions are usually associated with sin or badness. I wish I had some good addictions, but I don't. I have Pepsi, candy, video games, and whatnot, which I guess is not that bad, there's more but I don't need to dig in too deep. But essentially it's all bad because it keeps us from being productive for God. Why read my bible when I could play video games?

I hate my addictions and I'm trying to ask for grace to get rid of them. Now if I just really wanted to.... Anyways, some thoughts for the day, as I'm going to start blogging again.

Easter

2009-04-12T22:34:00.002-05:00

This Easter has proven to be an unusual one. I did laundry. That's pretty much it. All day. Granted I'm getting over an unusually strong sore throat that hit like a ton of bricks on Friday. But still I did nothing, except one good deed. I gave away my piano.

At home (oakesdale, WA [google map it to see how small it is]) I got a small piano for my graduation gift from my parents. We didn't haul it out here when I moved so it's sat in my parents house all these years. They sold the house and now I'm trying to sell it. The people that sold it to me, the Browns, were my second family growing up. Their son, Josh was my best friend all through high school. Larry and Cheryl have been to almost every event in my life up till college. They sold my folks the piano when I graduated college.

They were interested in buying it back for their oldest daughter Jodi. She's interested in learning how to play again. The asking price I set was too high and they declined to buy it, so I gave it to them tonight. I just thought that it could be a good thing for them. I'm a teacher at heart and a teacher does what is right for people who want to learn. I hope it will be a good sing for things to come for Jodi, she's going in for heart surgery this week, hopefully after this all her problems will be done. Maybe music could be in the path of her recovery. It's amazing when God places you in the path of someone you can bless.

and the winner is.....

2009-04-06T17:19:00.002-05:00

University of North Texas! I guess the real winner is me. I can't believe I got in there and that I'm now going to be a student there. I'm also blown away that I'm going to get a doctorate. Dr. P! Or as Angie, Drew and Hunter decided, Dr. PP (because of my initials). I'm pretty sure that one won't stick.

I've had a lot of doubt about where I should go lately. I'm not used to be in "high demand". When I applied for the master's degree, I only got through the process with two school, U of Wash and BG. Washington didn't want me and I got into BG. It was a pretty easy choice, one choice always is. I got into the all the schools I applied for namely because I didn't think I had a chance at UNT. They only accept 2 people a year (which I found out afterward thank God!) and they have a pretty reputable name for music and a great composition department. The other schools I applied to I figured I'd get in to, but really thought I wouldn't get in anywhere.

So when I got into them I didn't know what choice to make. UNT actually gave me the least amount of money, but their tuition s dirt cheap and they gave me a scholarship and in-state tuition. It's also pretty cheap to live in Denton, comparable to BG. I'm up next for a teaching fellowship though, maybe this fall, possibly spring, and for sure next year I'll be getting funded which will help a lot. The other schools gave assistantships, but in Boulder wouldn't have gone very far as living is outrageous there. Anyways, I think I made the right decisions. UNT was my first choice and still is.

I went there on Friday to visit the school, and it is huge! The building is very big and it's a big department. The music school is the flagship of the university, it has a great reputation and great teachers. I'm looking forward to living there. The weather is going to be better, but it'skind of windy and unpredictable, but everything is in bloom there and it's still not thinking about it here.

Now if I can just get through the next four years! That's right at least four more years of school! I wonder if I'll ever get done. If I'm done with school in 4 (hopefully not 5) years I'll be 33 when it's all said and done and I will have gone to college for a decade! 10 whole years! Crazy. It will be worth it though.

Dreams

2009-03-30T10:40:00.005-05:00

Since I don't post much anymore I might as well post about the dreams I've been having lately. If you know me it's no secret that I have weird dreams, and I have them frequently. It probably has to do with the fact I have a small bladder and have to go to the bathroom a few times a night so I am constantly interrupting my dream cycle.

Usually my dreams are a mash of events or discussions I've had that day. I also have some reoccurring dreams or places in dreams. I don't read into what my dreams mean because I think I would be walking around confused or think I am really messed up or something. I don't think that God speaks to me through dreams. I think he gave me these weird dreams because he knows I like weird movies and my dreams are much cooler and more weird than anything Hollywood is producing.

Dreamlog: Friday 3/27

This dream is a two-parter with both parts only being linked by robots. The first part is a little hazy but the gist is that I am some kind of robot killer from what used to be earth. We have been run out by "the robots" and are now a rogue civilization. I went back to destroy the robots. I flew down on a blue, sunny day and found myself in a scattered landscape of dead robot parts. I hid under some kind of dome thing watching robots fly over. I would occasionally shoot one down and hide again. I remember always being scared of being found out but I never did.

Next part: the future. We're in the same location but instead of being a landscape with robot guts it's full of kids all playing different sports. Apparently we took back over the planet and we're all prospering. This field is now a part of Oakesdale the town I grew up in. This vast field system lies on the edge of town where the football field is in Oakesdale. At the edge of the real life football field is a hill with some houses on it, those are in my dream as well. But instead of the real Kilpatrick house lies a large mansion with a tall shrubbery wall around it.

So we're all playing kickball on these fields and I have this friend who's a robot. It's illegal for robots to hurt humans and as we're playing somehow a robot kills a little kid. I don't know if it was my robot or another but we knew we needed to hide. So we ran to the mansion. We ran around the shrubs and found an opening and snuck inside.

Inside the house we were sneaking around even though I knew the owners very well. We got on this little elevator (like they have in old big houses for food and stuff) and went to the next floor (up or down?). We saw the owner, he was doing some light spackling on a wall and we tried to sneak around him but he spoke to us. He asked us what we needed and that we were welcome to anything. I said this was my friend and we were staying the night.

He said okay and we all went into the basement. The basement was a dirt floor with all kinds of junk but it wasn't too cluttery. We walked over to a desk where there were many flashlights. Many of them were the kind we had when I was little, the kind you plug in and it works for a while. They were all dead. We found a good one that was big and the robot and I proceeded up a spiral staircase to the next level up. What we found there blew my mind.

We were smack dab in the middle of a scary room I've had from other dreams. Imagine a room a perfect square about 40x40 feet and seemingly infinite vertically. The walls resemble the inside of an old barn or warehouse, planks that are warped, bending, or holed up that let the only light in the room in. So it's dark with cracks of dim light seeping through. Everything's dusty, dark, and rickety. This aspect never changes, but was does change every dream is the configuration of what is inside the room. I know that my goal is to make it to the top of the room, but the paths available are always changing. It's usually an array of scaffolding, ladders, stair cases, monkey bars, pipelines, foot bridges, and different platforms. The way it's all layed out changes with every dream. I remember one dream I made it to the top with this girl and at the top she jumped off and I jumped after her and caught her right before the ground and we froze and I woke up.

So back to the story. I am scared right now as I've faced this room before. Did I mension that it's haunted as well? Yeah there are evil spirits there always trying to thwart my efforts to reach the top. So I'm scared but the robot is calm as he doesn't have feelings. So we start up all the different ladders and platforms to get to the top. Everything is going well when the spirit made some scarry sounds which would have made me run except the robot wasn't scared so he gave me some strength. We went on. Then as we were approaching the top to Orcs from LOTR came into view behind us and we started to run up a ladder onto a foot bridge. As soon as they showed their faces above the bridge I shot them in the eyes with a paintball gun I somehow fabricated. They fell down out of view.

We made it too the top where there was two large platforms. On the platform we arrived at was a women sitting behind a desk. She was in her early 60's with silver shoulder-length straight hair. She was kind of short, stout and wearing a purple skirt suit thing. She looked very professional and her desk had no dust on it.

She said she was expecting me and Roboty (of possibly Roboddy). I never knew his name until that point. She said that she was the spirit behind all the different things in that room. She was in control of the room and the whole house. Since we made it to the top the room and the mansion were now mine. The owners in it now made it to the top and that's how they aquired the house. They were ready to move on, so I made it to the top. It was now mine. She pulled out files of the other times I've attempted to make it to the top. She mensioned the time when Michael from LOST season 1 and I tried to get to the top and we were swayed by some scarry sounds, which is actually from another dream. I remembered in in my dream that I had tried before.

Then I woke up. That was it. The one question I have from it is: the next time I have a dream with the room will I be in charge of it or am I going to try to get to the top again? I mean technically I own it so I should have as much access to it I want. But who know, maybe I'll have a dream with the room soon and the question will be answered.

Life, Traveling, Grad School

2009-03-16T09:24:00.003-05:00

Yet again it's been a long time since I've blogged. Yikes!

As many of you know I've applied for doctorate programs to enroll in the fall. I applied to three places, U of Arizona, U of Colorado @ Boulder, and U of North Texas. I flew out to Boulder a few weeks ago and it was so beautiful, warmer, and sunny. I guess it's one of the most sunny places in the US, and I can believe it. I got to see my friends Stu Clark, and Josh Forke. Josh and I went for a bike ride and I got to see all of his work and stuff like that. It was a great time. I was sad to come home on the pure fact that BG has basically no natural beauty of its own.

I got into all three schools and now comes the decision of where to go. I'm still deciding, but I don't have to make a decision for a few weeks so there you go.

I just got back from Arkansas where I drove down with the Suels. They got back from the UK and had to move all their stuff from BG to Arkansas. They asked me to drive with them which was a blast. They are just people that I will be friends with my whole life. We had fun but Pippi their 13 month old did not like me at all. She would have nothing to do with me the entire trip. It's okay though as she'll get used to me eventually and we'll be friends.

I am excited for spring and can't wait for it. It will come soon, I hope. Anyways that's all for me for now.

It's been a while....

2009-01-27T07:41:00.003-06:00

So I've been really bad about blogging the last few months. Not that anyone reads this but hey, I know at least two people that do, so I might as well let some thoughts out about whatever I feel like I guess.

This semester is going well thus far. I've had a total schedule change from last semester, but it's working out much better than I anticipated. I teach at Owens on Monday and Wednesday (instead of just Friday's) which is much better because the guitar ensemble meets two days as week instead of one which slows down progress a lot. I am teaching a new class at BGSU, Music Tech II (which was my favorite class in grad school) which is the second of four electronic music courses. I am teaching audio processing and acousmatic music. It's a lot of fun, but it's a lot more prep than my other classes. I teach that on Tues and Thurs which is nice because I don't have anything to do before class starts so I have a lot of time to prepare in the mornings. I am still teaching lessons at night on Tues, Wed, and Thurs. Band is still there too which means 7:30 am on M W F, which in the grand total of things means I only have to teach band on Friday morning and after that I'm free the rest of the day! That my friends is awesome.

I've also been reading a bunch of books since Thanksgiving. The Kite Runner, A Thousand Slendid Suns, A Long Way Gone, The Space Trilogy (C.S. Lewis: Out of he Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength), and I'm reading How to Read Novels like a Professor. I never took any literature classes in school, so I'm not versed in how to read novels and discuss different things about them. It's a fun read. Next up is In The Heart of the Sea, which is the true account of the whale boat Essex. I'm finding that I'm watching a lot less TV when I'm reading books and I like to read books more, so I'm doing it.

Christmas Service

2008-12-18T21:30:00.005-06:00

We did a special christmas service at my church last weekend. I arranged music for a chamber ensemble to play with our worship band. It turned out to be a good time. I've posted the worship set. Thanks to Justin and Mike Edwards for the video!

(If you start the video then click it again it will take you to youtube and below the video is "watch in high quality", do this, it will look and sound much better!)

We Three Kings

O Come O Come Emmanuel

O Come All Ye Faithful

Hark The Herald Angels Sing

The First Noel

O Holy Night

crazy life!

2008-09-09T20:57:00.002-05:00

So this has been a crazy semester so far. I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, but I'm trying to keep ahead. I feel I haven't grasped what I'm going toward at the end of the semester. I think I need to sit down and really plan out this semester. But every time I do it I just end up not wanting to do anything.

I'm practicing classical guitar again. This time though I'm determined to improve this year. Not by trying to get a recital prepped like I did last year, but through exercises. I'm studying the Segovia scales and the Carcassi Etudes. I really hated those etudes for years. It's a book of 25 and I've only ever known five of them and I've had the stinkin' book for almost 10 years. So I'm determined to learn all of them this year. It's going well I've learned 10 this week so I'm in the mid-late teens and am learning more every day. I really want to master those because I've been at a plateau for a long time and it's time to move to the next level.

On other notes. I love to ride bikes. I love it.

Updated fixie!

2008-08-22T12:36:00.002-05:00

I took the Peugeot in this morning and had different handlebars put in and I'm glad I did. It looks much cleaner and sweeter!

the new bars!

so sweet

My Bikes

2008-08-21T11:41:00.003-05:00

Today I bought my first fixie. It's a Peugeot Marsaille that the guy I bought it from converted into a fixed gear. I really like it but have a lot to learn about how to ride one. It was weird at first, but I'm excited to dive into the style of riding. I also have the Specialized Allez I am buying from Jeremy and Tiffany which I have already put a couple hundred miles on. I love them and am quickly becoming a cycling enthusiast!

The Peugeot

The nice side view with the "moustache" handlebars (which I might change out)

The Specialized

I love this bike!

Worship God 08 and more!

2008-08-10T21:16:00.003-05:00

Ok, so a recap of what's been going on in my life. Last week Greg Jenkins (another BGCC worship leader) and I went to Gaithersburg MD for the Worship God 2008 conference. It was amazing. I learned so much about worshiping Jesus, so much. It was more than just technical stuff, it was stuff I needed to know about who God is and why we worship, how to worship deeper, how to have a worshipful heart, have a servant's heart, and how to lead worship. It was a life changing event. I really connected with Jesus on this trip, praise God!

So after I got back it's been a little crazy. We did a cool worship service at my church this morning which Greg led and I played electric guitar. I wrote parts ala the Easter service but much smaller scale with flutes, clarinets and vibes. It turned out amazing, it was really a great experience!

I've been cycling everyday and loving it! I'm going to organize a fundraiser cycle ride and start a young men's cycling ministry. Should be fun.

I also moved this week. My apartment is really cool and not a college place. It's a real adult's place. I would think it feels a little weird, but I really like it, it's really clean and comfortable.

So today I was a little tired from getting up early to get set-up for church and all the moving and riding. I went for a short ride with some terrible head-wind's so I didn't last too long. My body is tired, so I'm going to go to bed early.

bikes!

2008-07-23T10:12:00.003-05:00

so the new thing for me is I'm getting into cycling. I've always wanted to get into shape and I've pretty much hated the ways of doing it. I really hate running. I have a bike but it's a hybrid which isn't really good for anything. Then I rode Brett's road bike and totally loved it. So now I'm looking for a vintage bike to convert into a fixed gear or a single gear. I'm really into it right now.

I'm trying to sell my trek to get an old frame that I can convert with my brother in law Rob. I forgot that he used to be into bike building and has the equipment and know-how to build bikes. So when they get out here, we're going to convert a bike to a fixie. I'm super excited because frames and old bikes aren't that expensive so I'm really figuring out what I want.

I borrowed Jeremy and Tiffany Dixon's extra road bike. It's a Specialized and it totally sweet. J and T just finished the Lake Placid Ironman, so you could say they are pretty into cycling. It's a sweet bike, but it's too fancy for me, but I did really enjoy driving it today. I took it out for fifteen this morning, and I loved it! I'm pretty tired because I'm out of shape, but when I get a bike, I'm planning on riding 3-4 times a week for a long distance. I'm super excited! Ok that's all for now.

Living as a Christian

2008-07-10T07:52:00.002-05:00

I am happy that my blog isn't one of those intellectual ones where you have to show references. I can just type my thoughts and get them out. You know when you sing up to follow Jesus, no one tells you how weird an experience it is and what you're in for. There are some things about being a christian that will always perplex me and cause me to not only think but to seek out the truth. Knowing that I also know that I don't think there is a cut and dry answer. This is something that I love about Jesus, he said many things that are seemingly ambiguous, or could be interpreted in different ways (thus we have denominations).

Lately I have been thinking about grace. I think about this a lot. I feel I need a lot of it in my life, not only from Jesus but from my friends and relatives. I'm not a perfect man, nor will I or anyone else ever be, but I am particularly a flake sometimes. Therefore if my friends and family didn't extend grace toward me, I'd be up the river so to speak. Not to say that I am a bad person or a bad friend, I just forget stuff a lot. As far a the grace of God goes, I need that every day. Every minute, every second. I cling to it like a baby to a security blanket. If I didn't I'd be dead. I am not what you would call a "disciplined Christian". Some people are incredibly disciplined and it seems that sin doesn't get within 10 miles of them, like they got a restraining order on sin and sin is following. Me on the other hand, well that's a different story. I try to avoid it, but it finds me, and it tempts, me and it kicks my butt sometimes. I cling to God's grace, it renews me every day, every minute, every second. For this reason I don't let go of that.

Tied in with grave is Jesus' love. His love is go great that no other human experience can even come close. As a matter of fact I'd even say all of human love and experience can't rival His love for us. We just don't understand how powerful it is. If in fact his love for us is this powerful, how can we go wrong? It's like how we would love a toddler. They make mistakes (and sometimes the same ones over and over) but we still love them and try to make them better. If they aren't too fast at some aspects of self-improvement, we still love them. There are flaws in this illustration but you can get the point. Love and grace. Amazing.

Jesus also says to "sin no more". This is the paradox for me personally. How am I to sin no more? It's seemingly impossible for any human to sin no more. So grace covers our sins, but if we really loved Jesus we'd sin no more. This is the dichotomy for me. I rest in that my love for Jesus is imperfect, flawed, and above all else - human. We are not consistent creatures. We are moody, emotional, rigid, intelligent, stupid, and selfish.

So, the silver lining? The cross. Jesus took literally every sin that I've done and will yet do and suffered through death. I am a person who falls daily, and every day Jesus picks me up, every minute, every second. Above that he rose from the dead and beat death. He is alive and he is here. He is with us right here right now. He's not some energy, some distant cold-hearted impersonal God, some figment of our imaginations. He is a living being who interacts with our lives daily. Does anyone not think this is amazing? I don't see how this isn't amazing. It blows my mind every time I think about it. I thank God for it. He keeps me alive.

Performance!

2008-07-08T12:41:00.003-05:00

I am a member of the Christian Fellowship of Art Music Composers (CFAMC) which is an organization geared exactly to me. I am a Christian who writes classical music. It's an international organization with its primary population in the US. They have conference every couple of years and I was going to submit a few pieces that I didn't get around to submitting because I am lazy.

Well, Kim went to Indiana Wesleyan University to take her brother Zach to see the school and meet the percussion teacher who is Marc Wooldridge who also happens to teach composition there and is in charge of this years conference (it's held at Indian Wesleyan). Kim got to talking with him and he asked her to sing at the conference and she told him about me submitting something. He looked and said I didn't. She played him the final movement of the piece that she performed earlier this year at the Faculty Composers' Forum at BGSU and he really liked it. So I emailed him and the piece is now a part of the conference! I was planning to attend the conference but now I'll have a work on it as well. I'm pretty excited because I wanted people there to have a listen to some of my stuff and this is the most recent piece I've completed. So thanks to Kim for putting in the good word for me. I'm pretty excited!

Organizing my pictures....

2008-06-28T17:44:00.003-05:00

So last night I was showing someone my pictures from the last few years on my computer and it took forever!!!! This is due to that half of it was encoded by iphoto into it's file system. Well, it messed some parts of it up bigtime! So today I went through all of them and organized them. What a chore! I had like a million pictures from Italy and that took a long time to figure out. I had to break out my journal I kept whilst I was there to get all the places I went in order. I started this morning and am now almost all the way done. I have some random folder called PatPics that is a buffet of different pictures that I can't deal with now. It's krazor. Here are a few pics I like though out of the lot.

goin' free style at my assistmantship in 06

the time Chad and I took crazy pics on the only hill in Bowling Green in the fall of 2006

black hair, earrings in late fall of 06

cleaning off my windshield in summer 04

with (from left) Dr. Thompson, Dr. Lillios, John Chowning (the godfather of keyboard technology), Steven Kemper, me at Florida Electroacoustic Festival spring 06.

so many things

2008-06-20T08:49:00.003-05:00

There are so many things in my life that are happening right now. It's crazy. Because of the public nature of this blog I won't share most of it. I am still exhausted from last weekend and I am still recovering from the lack of sleep, or maybe it's that I haven't had a good nights sleep as of yet. This morning should have been good but my roommate has an alarm problem which is really funny yet at the same time can drive me crazy.

I have had this reoccurring tooth ache for the last five years that no one can figure out. It came back yet again last month on a small scale and then decided to leave. It came back this week and last night woke me up at 2:20. So I am a little groggy this morning. I really don't know what I have these weird physical problems, like my stomach, tooth, etc. but I guess Paul had a thorn in his side which could be physical or mental and maybe this is my thorn, or should I say thorns.

I went to my first counseling session with this great christian counselor yesterday. I learned a great deal about myself in just one time so I am going to go back every two weeks to see where this goes. I really think that all people should go to a counselor, at least a counselor like this guy. He just listens and says back what you've been saying with little assessment. It's really great.

One of the metaphors I told him about how I was raised was my view of relationships. Many of my ideals were shaped by the media and culture when I was in high school. I watched a lot of TV and movies and listened to a lot of music. These things shape who you are whether you like them or not. Here's what culture taught me about relationships, they are like pants. You go and try some on and see what you like about them. You look at them in a 360 degree mirror and see how they fit, what you like about how they fit, how they look on you. So you try and try and try pants on all the time because of course none of them are really supposed to fit, you're just seeing how they fit. So after trying on many pairs of pants and sometimes you try on a pair for a long time and get second opinions and you really don't want to take them off, you still do because that's the way it works, you take them off at the end. Well, eventually you would like to actually like to take a pair home but you find that you can't because you've been trying for so long you actually don't know what defines the different pants. They all become the same thing, one pair of pants that really do not look good on you at all. So it becomes impossible to take a pair home because they are all the same and this whole time you've been waiting for "the" pair that won't ever come. So you don't. You just keep trying them on forever. Or you buy a pair and at some point you take them back and pay way more for them when you take them back. Then you may buy a few more pairs in your life.

I've found this is crazy! At least in my life. It has not worked for me. It's a lie, a great lie that we've created.

The truth is, I would have loved to have done it the christian way. Don't even get involved in trying on pants. Learn about pants. See them, but don't try them on until you're ready to buy them. Then when you are there you have a much better idea of the pants you want and you don't waste a lot of time with other pairs. Then when you find a pair you like, you buy them. You like them. You don't have to take them back. They are good pants.

Ah! God! Life!

2008-06-16T17:32:00.003-05:00

this is a quote from On The Road by Jack Kerouac. I finished reading it last week and loved it. Ah! God! Life! is also the name of a new piece I am working on for woodwind quintet. I have to write it fast because it's being performed in Arizona later this summer.

This kind of leads to my last weekend. I went to Athens Georgia for my friend Keith's wedding. He married a southern gal named Michaela who met him in Jacksonville where they both live. I was a groomsman as well as six other guys. There were two ushers, making a total of 8 of us in the groomsman party. There are two words that can describe this weekend, golf and drinking. First off I don't golf, and second I rarely drink and when I do it's a few beers. A few beers here wouldn't cut it. I spent three days almost constantly with a drink in my hand, I say almost because the other guys did have a drink in their hands the entire time. I needed to drink water so I drank that at times while they were drinking miller lite.

So, it seems that the weekend was kind of a haze. It was a good time haze, but a haze nonetheless. The wedding was nice, all the people were nice and we had a really good time. I got to see some old friends, we got to share drunken thoughts and sentiments of love and home (the palouse) and good times of yesteryear. It was a good trip.

tagged!

2008-06-09T19:14:00.002-05:00

So I guess that my sister tagged me which I guess means that I answer the same questions that she did. I guess I'll do it because she's my sister and I love her.

10 years ago...

I was just finishing my junior year of high school. I was going to work for Larry Brown and have a great summer of farming, goofing off, staying out late, and playing guitar. I was living in Oakesdale and just saw some real good friends graduate and get ready to move on. I was also excited about being a senior the next year.

5 years ago...

I just graduated from the University of Idaho. This is blowing my mind right now. I want to say that a few years got lost in there somewhere. I was right now about ready to drive to Montana to be in my friend Josh's wedding in Columbia Falls. I didn't have any kind of plan except to farm for the summer and take a year off from life. It seems so long ago.
This was when I really started to get serious about Jesus, and it's been a crazy ride ever since.

5 months ago...

I started teaching at BGSU and still teaching at Owens and BGCA. I had a lot of private students and was having a lot of fun teaching. This was one of the busiest times I've had since graduating from grad school. Lots of lesson planning and time spent teaching, I loved it.

5 things on my to-do list tomorrow...

1. Work at Panera
2. Teach a private lesson
3. Play my telecaster
4. Read The Moviegoer by Walker Percy
5. Read my bible and pray

5 things I would suddenly do if I were a billionaire...

1. Pay off all student loans and debt for us and our families.
2. Give to the church and charities.
3. Put a lot in savings and invest for our kids futures.
4. Buy a bunch of guitars and studio equipment to record bands
5. Plan a worldwide trip

5 bad habits...

1. Procratination
2. Just plain not doing tasks
3. Eating unhealthily
4. Spending money
5. Wasting time on internet (like now)

5 places I've lived...

1. Oakesdale, WA.
2. Moscow, ID.
3. Bowling Green, OH
4. Florence, Italy
5. Segorbe, Spain (only one week!)

5 things people don't know about me...

1. I'm obsessed with my fingernails (for classical guitar)
2. I love Van Halen
3. I really like morning star "meats"
4. Not a huge fan of cooking
5. Really miss the palouse

rain!!!!

2008-06-09T17:24:00.003-05:00

I hate the rain in BG. It just comes and rains a lot real fast and you barely have time to get your scooter inside. Here's a few pics of today.

The rain outside my window

when I am in rain you better watch out

sometimes i look crazy at you

but then after I look suave to make you feel better

what am I doing?

2008-06-07T00:58:00.002-05:00

I think we all get to points where we question what we are doing with our lives. Tonight this feeling engulfed me and I think it always happens when I hear bands play live. Luckily, I don't do this very much, so I am okay much of the time. The problem is that I am constantly in my life divided between things.

I don't mean to complain, but I kind of wish I was really good at something instead of being ok at a lot of things. I mean, I'm kind of a classical guitarist, I'm kind of a regular guitarist, I'm kind of a composer, I'm kind of an electronic musician, I'm kind of a teacher....

I guess this is the lot of all humanity, finding my niche in this world. I am a passionate person in the moment. The problem is that I am out of the moment a lot of the time. I am in the moment when I am in direct contact with music or teaching. When I am not, I am very far away from it, and thus feel passionless.

This feeling is coming off a really good time I've been having spiritually. I've been learning a lot of things, and really starting to bask in the grace that Jesus delivers. So I am not so much questioning what his plans are for me. I just want to have more music in my life and have it mean something. God gave me some really good talent in some aspects of music. The parts I lack I wish I had. I wish I was a good songwriter, lyricist, singer, but I am not. I feel not matter how much I try the songs are elementary, lame, and my voice sucks. Maybe I just need for forget about all that and do it anyways. I don't really know.

I know I could be in a good band if I was around the right people. I would need a good singer that is creative so that we could work together to write tunes. This is seemingly impossible to me at the moment. Anyways, what's the point. I'm 27, don't really know what to do, had little success in music thus far, and am scrap teaching to get by.

The one thing that gives me hope is that I find Jesus in music and every time I play it's for him. Every note whispers the divine love and grace that Jesus delivers, and I just soak it up.

words

2008-06-03T22:44:00.003-05:00

I was having dinner with my friends Abby who teaches english at BGSU and is a poet by nature. I was talking about my desire to start a band and that my strengths are more instrumental than vocal. I can write good riffs, chord changes, rhythms, and music, but am not so good at singing and writing lyrics and melodies.

Her advice was to jump in and write about things not relating to me. I am very self-conscious about my singing and especially the lyrics I write. They are not good and they are too personal. So maybe by extracting me out of the equation I can write more freely. This is true of all art. If you want to learn how to do any type of art, check yourself at the door and jump in. If you are self-conscious about your art it will suffer. That's why art is so humbling and difficult and why most people are turned off to it in the first place. Art is never perfect the first time you do it. It takes time to learn the craft of your own process. This is what I am digging into with my songwriting. I wrote a song last summer and ended up making it too complicated and thus never really finished it. I am writing the words separate from the song to see how that works. I wrote my first poem/lyrics about Steptoe Butte, my favorite place in the whole world. I like the first draft of it, I just went for it in the first stanza and replicated the same word structure in later stanzas and wrote a chorus. I have a song in mind for it that I will explore tomorrow morning.

Josh (Kalichman, my best friend and violin player) and Jeff (Peplinski, a fellow composer and bass player) are coming over tomorrow to jam with me. Maybe by the time they get here I'll have a good idea of this song they can further develop with me. Above all else I want to just play freely with some other Christians to praise Jesus and make our art for His glory.

Summer Reading List

2008-06-03T17:07:00.003-05:00

So this summer I thought that I'd read a bunch of books that I should have read in high school. People who go to Oakesdale are totally capable of getting out of high school without really reading any books. I was especially good at not reading books. I would pretty much cheat on almost every book report I did. One time I even made up a book and got a pretty good grade. I was not a great student back in those days.

I took someone's report on Fahrenheit 451 and changed it and added my own opinions via Cliffs Notes. I read the book late in college and loved it. Why didn't I just read when I was in high school? I think it's because when we had to read in English it was like Romeo and Juliet or works by Homer. These are great pieces of literature, but unfortunately for me I was not good at reading the language of either. So, I thought all books were just hard to read, confusing, boring, and above all else time consuming. I now know much different and love to dive into a good novel. I wish I had done this much earlier and taken some literature classes because I think I would have really enjoyed them.

I digress, so here's the list so far and prospectives for the future:

Read:
The Sea, The Sea - Iris Murdoch
The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brendan Manning (not a novel, but really good)
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Everything that Rises Must Converge - Flannery O'Connor (short stories)
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

Future?:
On The Road - Jack Kerouac
To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
The Moviegoer, Walker Percy
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
The Jungle, Upton Sinclair

If you have any more ideas feel free to email me or comment on my blog.
lata

church today

2008-06-01T18:50:00.004-05:00

Today was "Rock this Sunday" at my church. It was led by the leaders from our youth group (7-12 grades) named "Rock this Life". So you can see where the title of this service came from. It was fitting for the day. Two of our youth leaders made our sanctuary look great. They removed the first few rows of chairs so people could come up and stand shoulder to shoulder to worship Jesus. The lights were out except the stage lights and a projector projecting cool screen-saver-esque things on a wall and ceiling.

It was not our normal service. We usually do like 30 minutes of music, communion and offering, then the sermon and a final song. Today was more like a youth meeting and it was really cool. It started with a video of the conversion of Brian Welch the former Korn guitarist. Then we played some tunes, then a video that made me cry and basically if you know Jesus you will cry as well.

Then we played some more tunes and Greg and Terence gave their testimonies, took communion, offering, and then one more tune before Pastor Malanga gave the benediction. It was such a great service.

It was cool to have some the the Rock band play too. Kyle played guitar and I've been teaching him guitar lessons all school year, it was really fun to play alongside him. Daniel also played bass and he's been in my BGCA band for the last few months and he did wonderful as well. Then Greg on acoustic and singing, Mike Edwards on drums, and me on telecaster. It was a great bunch of musicians. The spirit was really there, people were crying and praising and singing passionately the whole time. I wish worship was like that all the time. I guess it could be but we'd have to have a revamp of our worship ideals for that to happen.

It was so good today. I came home and played my guitar all day and am now committing some serious time to improving my electric guitar playing. It's time I did something, I've been at the same plateau for years and it's time I improved. So you know what that means, break out the metronome and hit it hard. That's what I plan on doing.

four magical items

2008-05-31T08:41:00.003-05:00

These items are as follows:

Raspberries
Bananas
Grapenuts®
Organic Plain Yogurt

Mix these items in a small bowl and you will have enough energy for the rest of your life. Also of note is not having caffeine for a month and then at 7 at night having five good sized cups of iced tea and forgetting that there is caffeine in it. Then add to the fact I ate too much food too late and it's too hot in our apartment which leads to a boring, frustrating night of sitting in too much heat, feeling too full, and being wired until 2 in the morning and then attempt to get up at 7 to teach your last day of junior high and end up staying all day to sub. Yes, this is a nasty little combination, don't try it any time soon.

i love telecaster

2008-05-26T21:17:00.002-05:00

Here's my new telecaster. I love it!

Just lounging around

Full body unfocused

oh yes!

fender gun!

new guitar

2008-05-26T12:22:00.002-05:00

So Brett and I went to guitarcenter for their memorial day blowout sale. I wasn't looking to buy anything but I saw this telecaster that looked amazing. It was at a better price than normal so I bought it. I've been wanting a new electric guitar that is not so flashy as my parker, I also wanted a fender because that was the first guitar I bought and I wanted to get back to my roots.

I'll post some pictures as soon as I figure out how to do it.

sweet

Good day

2008-05-25T22:21:00.001-05:00

Today was a good day. I don't want to give away too many details, but those who know me know it's been a good few weeks and today was a good day. I've read books, watched movies, relaxed, and most of all not thought. I love that, not thinking too much.

Unfortunately I am now worried about doctoral degrees and am now starting to brush up on my electronic music chops by reading the Computer Music Tutorial. I've read many parts but it doesn't hurt to get it in my brain again, especially since I have forgotten a lot in the last two years.

Tomorrow is the Guitar Center Memorial day sale, their biggest sale of the year, so I might be spending some money tomorrow, hopefully not.

I also bought a frisbee and love to toss it.

I also love Jesus.

Good first post, I think.