I think we all get to points where we question what we are doing with our lives. Tonight this feeling engulfed me and I think it always happens when I hear bands play live. Luckily, I don't do this very much, so I am okay much of the time. The problem is that I am constantly in my life divided between things.
I don't mean to complain, but I kind of wish I was really good at something instead of being ok at a lot of things. I mean, I'm kind of a classical guitarist, I'm kind of a regular guitarist, I'm kind of a composer, I'm kind of an electronic musician, I'm kind of a teacher....
I guess this is the lot of all humanity, finding my niche in this world. I am a passionate person in the moment. The problem is that I am out of the moment a lot of the time. I am in the moment when I am in direct contact with music or teaching. When I am not, I am very far away from it, and thus feel passionless.
This feeling is coming off a really good time I've been having spiritually. I've been learning a lot of things, and really starting to bask in the grace that Jesus delivers. So I am not so much questioning what his plans are for me. I just want to have more music in my life and have it mean something. God gave me some really good talent in some aspects of music. The parts I lack I wish I had. I wish I was a good songwriter, lyricist, singer, but I am not. I feel not matter how much I try the songs are elementary, lame, and my voice sucks. Maybe I just need for forget about all that and do it anyways. I don't really know.
I know I could be in a good band if I was around the right people. I would need a good singer that is creative so that we could work together to write tunes. This is seemingly impossible to me at the moment. Anyways, what's the point. I'm 27, don't really know what to do, had little success in music thus far, and am scrap teaching to get by.
The one thing that gives me hope is that I find Jesus in music and every time I play it's for him. Every note whispers the divine love and grace that Jesus delivers, and I just soak it up.
2 comments:
First of all let me say that I am a mom with three kids and I still wonder what I am doing with my life. I think we all do. You are so good at music though. Remember those tapes that teach you to sing? And you bark like a dog. Where are those? Anything would help me at this point! Keep on keepin' on!
I have to agree with Brandi. I not much older than you, and have been down roughly the same education path (music v. law I think is inconsequential) and I have NO idea what I really want to do. I mean, sure, I have a career path out there, but at this point I am only doing it because I owe so much $$$ to the federal government for loans that its almost unreal. Most days I wake up thinking that I should just move to LA and attempt to become TV writer. Will it happen, probably not.
In the end . . . we are all blessed with His grace and he has a plan for all of us. It may not be what we think it is going to be -- but, its His plan and we just have to trust and have faith.
Also . . . I am not sure where you get off thinking you are not uber-talented. Come on man. You are in the upper echelon of musicians, no question about it.
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