This morning after a good walk with the Lord I came home and felt like doing something moderately creative and quick. So I recorded an acoustic version of Come Thou Fount in like an hour and a half to see what I'd come up with. I think it came out nice considering I have terrible time when playing with a click, recording, or just other humans. I might do more of these, but don't expect anything.
Come Thou Fount by thecomposinator
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
oh you (my sick heart)
It's interesting to be confronted with issues that stem from my heart's idolatry. Last week Beau spoke about the 'deep' idols, the ones that drive all the others. I believe mine are comfort and acceptance. Those two things pretty much have a hand in almost all of my decision making, as well as my other idols.
I've been confronted with some pretty sick things in my heart of late. Well, not of late in my development as a human, they've always been there and I'm now starting to see them. God has been calling out my pride through the form of being accepted lately. It's really hard to take. We all want to be special, and especially now in our social climate. I'll admit I love getting praise and feeling like people like me. I fight this as a teacher all the time, I want them to be my friends instead of being their teacher. (I guess I'm a lot more like Michael Scott that I realized....)
I want to be special. I really do. The thing is, I am. Not to anyone on this planet. But to the Creator of this planet. The One who literally spoke everything I can see, feel, touch, think, and experience into being. He simply spoke. This God also sent his Son so that I could be free. He didn't save me while I was good but before the foundations of the world were put in place and while I was actively rebelling against him. I am special to Jesus. He has my name written on his hand, not just my name, but my real name, the name He gives to me. A totally unique name that only He knows.
He and he alone is my sufficiency. When I need affirmation, I need it from Him. When I am feeling insecure, he is my security. When I am rebelling and running, He runs with me and angles me back.
He shows me this wicked heart so that I will cling to the cross more. Because in myself I have no hope for reconciliation, but through Him I do. When I start to wander I get this vivid picture in my mind of me at the crucifixion literally laying on the ground with my arms wrapped around the cross, around Jesus. I hold on so tightly to that, to have him be my sufficiency. Then after a bit I start to feel good and stand up on my own two legs. Then I take a step away from the cross on my own. I literally get two steps away and start to waver, so I turn back to the cross and fall with arms open to grab it. It's still there. He's waiting for me. I grasp and I don't let go, until I get to prideful and stand up again on my own.
Always go to the cross, to Jesus. His gesture is the most meaningful one we have and will ever have. Cling to it.
Sanctification is simply dwelling daily in our justification. Never get past the cross.
I've been confronted with some pretty sick things in my heart of late. Well, not of late in my development as a human, they've always been there and I'm now starting to see them. God has been calling out my pride through the form of being accepted lately. It's really hard to take. We all want to be special, and especially now in our social climate. I'll admit I love getting praise and feeling like people like me. I fight this as a teacher all the time, I want them to be my friends instead of being their teacher. (I guess I'm a lot more like Michael Scott that I realized....)
I want to be special. I really do. The thing is, I am. Not to anyone on this planet. But to the Creator of this planet. The One who literally spoke everything I can see, feel, touch, think, and experience into being. He simply spoke. This God also sent his Son so that I could be free. He didn't save me while I was good but before the foundations of the world were put in place and while I was actively rebelling against him. I am special to Jesus. He has my name written on his hand, not just my name, but my real name, the name He gives to me. A totally unique name that only He knows.
He and he alone is my sufficiency. When I need affirmation, I need it from Him. When I am feeling insecure, he is my security. When I am rebelling and running, He runs with me and angles me back.
He shows me this wicked heart so that I will cling to the cross more. Because in myself I have no hope for reconciliation, but through Him I do. When I start to wander I get this vivid picture in my mind of me at the crucifixion literally laying on the ground with my arms wrapped around the cross, around Jesus. I hold on so tightly to that, to have him be my sufficiency. Then after a bit I start to feel good and stand up on my own two legs. Then I take a step away from the cross on my own. I literally get two steps away and start to waver, so I turn back to the cross and fall with arms open to grab it. It's still there. He's waiting for me. I grasp and I don't let go, until I get to prideful and stand up again on my own.
Always go to the cross, to Jesus. His gesture is the most meaningful one we have and will ever have. Cling to it.
Sanctification is simply dwelling daily in our justification. Never get past the cross.
Monday, February 28, 2011
seven swans
This post isn't about seven swans. Although I've been listening to it for the last hour on repeat, actually not repeat I just re-click it when it's over (which is more work for me). That being aside, tonight I feel deep, so I'm going to write it out like I always do. It's interesting that this blog turns out to be many posts when I feel heavy, maybe one would get the sense that I'm kind of a sad person or whatnot, but I don't think that's the case, I just write things out when I feel this way.
First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month. I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February. I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow. Thank you Lord. I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.
Maybe tonight is remanence of that....
Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present. Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons. One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance. That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think. Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled. It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say. It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words. I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory. No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace. It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile. It's beautiful.
So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture. I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day. It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it. So here's a bit now.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
There it is, that's where I'm at.
I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God. That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him. He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.
So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....
First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month. I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February. I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow. Thank you Lord. I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.
Maybe tonight is remanence of that....
Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present. Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons. One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance. That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think. Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled. It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say. It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words. I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory. No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace. It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile. It's beautiful.
So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture. I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day. It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it. So here's a bit now.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
There it is, that's where I'm at.
I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God. That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him. He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.
So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Two sides of the same coin
I may have written about this before, but through some conversations (no Lee they aren't cite-able! but are a fertile ground to get the ball rolling) with some dear friends I've decided to perhaps revisit this idea. This simple little idea is suffering.
This crux has set more doubt in our minds maybe more than any other question about God. Why do we suffer? How can an all-loving God let us suffer? Now, I'm not here to answer any of those large questions, and I also think that some of these questions can/should be tied into justice, which is God's alone.
But I want to leave these questions behind because they are too big for my minuscule brain to tackle. What I can discuss though is a quote from the Valley of Vision, which if you read my blog know I'm a really big fan of. It comes from 'Divine Promises' and goes like this:
May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
but glorify thee in my trials.
As my roommate Lee always exclaims during catchphrase® 'this is a comparison, four words.' Although this is more than four words, it is a comparison. A single event described in two ways. It is divided into two ideas, 1) a circumstance, 2) our reaction to it.
Something has happened. Someone is hurting. Someone is broken. God is chastening the one that he loves. How do we react?
The last word in each line should be all the indicator of the point that needs to be made. Do I view events that happend to me as trials or troubles? It's not just a pithy use of vocabulary, but the word choice defines the point of view. Do I perceive things as bad (a circumstance that either the Lord doesn't know about, or that he is powerless to control) or as hard-but-good for God's glory? Know that God allows 'bad' things to happen to us for His glory. As Matt pointed out in his sermon this weekend, we don't always know how how it glorifies God (such as children dying), but rest assured it does and someday we'll know why.
Troubles imply an inward focus. Troubles happen to us. We want them to be fixed. The point of a trouble is for it to go away. Compare that to a trial, something we walk through. Something we look to the Lord to get us through. Trials don't need to be 'fixed', we must practice patience through them. They teach us something about God. The Bible is littered with the word trial in this manner, unlike troubles which can usually be found when describing intense, personal pain and an inward focus.
The other comparison has to do with our reaction. Do we instruct the Lord on what to do? This comparison is interesting because instruct and glorify are not antonyms, it's saying that the answer is not simply to be instructed by the Lord, but to glorify him. Now it is glorifying to the Lord to be submissive to him. Being submissive is not the same as 'happiness'. It's not saying 'grin and bear it', but more 'suffer well knowing this is happening for a reason and you will bear the image of Christ more because of it'. It's still difficult, but suffer well saints. In that you are glorifying God. The glorification isn't whether you are happy about it now, but whether you are trying despite your circumstances (or character traits) to sincerely be obedient to the Lord. This is glorifying God, to follow when it hurts.
I find much hope in Romans 5:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (emphasis mine)
Suffer well good and faithful servants of the Lord. Know that if you rejoice in your sufferings (glorify him in your trials) it leads to endurance, which leads to godly character, which leads to hope which will never put us to shame. It's all for his glory. To paraphrase Lewis; 'he was serious when he said he wanted us to be like his son and he will never quit as long as we live'. He chastens those he loves, like a good Father would.
Know too, that it's only a season, there is hope! Push forward in the Lord, cling to the cross and know that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit will never leave or forsake you, never. Nothing can separate us from the love of the Lord (Romans 8).
Weeping may tarry the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
-Psalm 30:5a
It may be a long night, one you may not think you can handle, but there is joy in the morning. Be patient, suffer well.
This crux has set more doubt in our minds maybe more than any other question about God. Why do we suffer? How can an all-loving God let us suffer? Now, I'm not here to answer any of those large questions, and I also think that some of these questions can/should be tied into justice, which is God's alone.
But I want to leave these questions behind because they are too big for my minuscule brain to tackle. What I can discuss though is a quote from the Valley of Vision, which if you read my blog know I'm a really big fan of. It comes from 'Divine Promises' and goes like this:
May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
but glorify thee in my trials.
As my roommate Lee always exclaims during catchphrase® 'this is a comparison, four words.' Although this is more than four words, it is a comparison. A single event described in two ways. It is divided into two ideas, 1) a circumstance, 2) our reaction to it.
Something has happened. Someone is hurting. Someone is broken. God is chastening the one that he loves. How do we react?
The last word in each line should be all the indicator of the point that needs to be made. Do I view events that happend to me as trials or troubles? It's not just a pithy use of vocabulary, but the word choice defines the point of view. Do I perceive things as bad (a circumstance that either the Lord doesn't know about, or that he is powerless to control) or as hard-but-good for God's glory? Know that God allows 'bad' things to happen to us for His glory. As Matt pointed out in his sermon this weekend, we don't always know how how it glorifies God (such as children dying), but rest assured it does and someday we'll know why.
Troubles imply an inward focus. Troubles happen to us. We want them to be fixed. The point of a trouble is for it to go away. Compare that to a trial, something we walk through. Something we look to the Lord to get us through. Trials don't need to be 'fixed', we must practice patience through them. They teach us something about God. The Bible is littered with the word trial in this manner, unlike troubles which can usually be found when describing intense, personal pain and an inward focus.
The other comparison has to do with our reaction. Do we instruct the Lord on what to do? This comparison is interesting because instruct and glorify are not antonyms, it's saying that the answer is not simply to be instructed by the Lord, but to glorify him. Now it is glorifying to the Lord to be submissive to him. Being submissive is not the same as 'happiness'. It's not saying 'grin and bear it', but more 'suffer well knowing this is happening for a reason and you will bear the image of Christ more because of it'. It's still difficult, but suffer well saints. In that you are glorifying God. The glorification isn't whether you are happy about it now, but whether you are trying despite your circumstances (or character traits) to sincerely be obedient to the Lord. This is glorifying God, to follow when it hurts.
I find much hope in Romans 5:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (emphasis mine)
Suffer well good and faithful servants of the Lord. Know that if you rejoice in your sufferings (glorify him in your trials) it leads to endurance, which leads to godly character, which leads to hope which will never put us to shame. It's all for his glory. To paraphrase Lewis; 'he was serious when he said he wanted us to be like his son and he will never quit as long as we live'. He chastens those he loves, like a good Father would.
Know too, that it's only a season, there is hope! Push forward in the Lord, cling to the cross and know that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit will never leave or forsake you, never. Nothing can separate us from the love of the Lord (Romans 8).
Weeping may tarry the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
-Psalm 30:5a
It may be a long night, one you may not think you can handle, but there is joy in the morning. Be patient, suffer well.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
walk
Tonight it was a bit warmer here, which means it was above freezing. So I took a walk intending to have some phone time with some friends, but as luck would have it (which isn't luck at all) it all went to voicemail. So I took off the earbuds and looked up and saw a most beautiful sky filled with low-flying brown clouds interspersed between a perfectly clear starry sky. It was amazing. Snow everywhere. Beautiful lights. It was a real scene. It was a scene I won't get when I go back to Texas so I wanted to soak it in.
The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.
Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.
I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.
It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.
Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.
The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.
Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.
I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.
It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.
Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Spirit > pathetic-ness
It's weird how pathetic I am. I should give the caveat that we are all pathetic, and because of my selfishness, I'd like to think that my pathetic-ness beats yours. But I know this isn't true, that we are all flawed and saved only through grace. My whole body permeates with sin. Every cell of my being is immersed in it. Even down to the core of my being, my heart–full to brim with wickedness. I've been dwelling lately on how painful the effects of sin are, how deep this goes, how much pain we can inflict and take. Dwelling here is sobering.
I think there's a problem with not knowing about sin, and about how seriously the Bible takes it. Most of the book has to do with it, how disgusting, perverse, and wicked it is. Yet, most Christians don't ever really dwell there, they just know it's something that God has saved them from. They see it mostly as an external thing. Jesus would contradict this many times, foregoing the outward affect and going straight for the heart. When I have a bad moment, lose my cool, or do wicked things, it didn't happen because of an external circumstance, it only shows a reflection of something already wrong in my heart. The problem was already there inside of me the whole time.
It may sound harsh to say that every cell of my body is imbued with sin, and I think the old humanist side of me would debate it, but the Bible says otherwise and deep down I just plain know I'm rotten. That time and means reveals my true wickedness (most outward sin occurs when I'm bored or when I have money). This is the cause of this blog post tonight, that I'm just sitting around letting my mind wander, trying to capture thoughts but being unsuccessful. I'm not really tired, I'm not really entertained, I'm not really wanting to read my bible (I did some tonight and had some good prayer time), but after all that's done I have time to sit and meddle. To stew in my own mind and thus go places I should not be going. It's pathetic.
I'm not going to say that "it's all okay", or that I'm being too hard on myself, or blow it off, this is the type of thinking that leads to cheap grace and shallow faith. It's the kind of faith that blows off these heavy moments as a passing momentary weakness instead seeing it as a little peek into my thought-life. I'm not shying away from it (that's why I'm writing) but I'm also not letting the evil one get a foothold with it either.
Because I know the truth. That even though every bit of my being is broken, fractured, and selfish, that the good part of me isn't of me at all, it's a gift from God, his own Spirit. It's that God actually puts the only good thing we have in us. He literally injects us with his goodness. I have that in me. He is in me. My flesh is weak but his Spirit is strong. I don't need to have faith in myself, to make the 'right' decisions, to not be pathetic, to earn my salvation, but instead understand that he already did everything for me, that he chose to love me, and that he lives inside me–I am his temple.
So while I am pathetic and nights like tonight reflect my flesh to me, I know that this is just a reflection of a part of me that will die. That I can lay my head on the pillow knowing he is here, never forsaking me, always teaching me, and forever loving me.
At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there
And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives
All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there
After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs
Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
-david crowder
I think there's a problem with not knowing about sin, and about how seriously the Bible takes it. Most of the book has to do with it, how disgusting, perverse, and wicked it is. Yet, most Christians don't ever really dwell there, they just know it's something that God has saved them from. They see it mostly as an external thing. Jesus would contradict this many times, foregoing the outward affect and going straight for the heart. When I have a bad moment, lose my cool, or do wicked things, it didn't happen because of an external circumstance, it only shows a reflection of something already wrong in my heart. The problem was already there inside of me the whole time.
It may sound harsh to say that every cell of my body is imbued with sin, and I think the old humanist side of me would debate it, but the Bible says otherwise and deep down I just plain know I'm rotten. That time and means reveals my true wickedness (most outward sin occurs when I'm bored or when I have money). This is the cause of this blog post tonight, that I'm just sitting around letting my mind wander, trying to capture thoughts but being unsuccessful. I'm not really tired, I'm not really entertained, I'm not really wanting to read my bible (I did some tonight and had some good prayer time), but after all that's done I have time to sit and meddle. To stew in my own mind and thus go places I should not be going. It's pathetic.
I'm not going to say that "it's all okay", or that I'm being too hard on myself, or blow it off, this is the type of thinking that leads to cheap grace and shallow faith. It's the kind of faith that blows off these heavy moments as a passing momentary weakness instead seeing it as a little peek into my thought-life. I'm not shying away from it (that's why I'm writing) but I'm also not letting the evil one get a foothold with it either.
Because I know the truth. That even though every bit of my being is broken, fractured, and selfish, that the good part of me isn't of me at all, it's a gift from God, his own Spirit. It's that God actually puts the only good thing we have in us. He literally injects us with his goodness. I have that in me. He is in me. My flesh is weak but his Spirit is strong. I don't need to have faith in myself, to make the 'right' decisions, to not be pathetic, to earn my salvation, but instead understand that he already did everything for me, that he chose to love me, and that he lives inside me–I am his temple.
So while I am pathetic and nights like tonight reflect my flesh to me, I know that this is just a reflection of a part of me that will die. That I can lay my head on the pillow knowing he is here, never forsaking me, always teaching me, and forever loving me.
At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there
And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives
All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there
After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs
Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
-david crowder
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Turning 30
It's official. I'm 30.
It's been a date looming over my head through my mid-late 20's (27-29). I look at it like I'm in my late 20's now. But honestly, I look forward to my 30's, I think it's time I became a man and what better time than to leave the decade that the beginning of my walk with Christ began. He's been faithful to beginning the maturing process in me and I look forward to walking down that road more with him in the next decade. I really desire to let him mold me into a man that desires to follow him and him only.
It's been interesting the last month how some epiphanies have really struck home. The main one has been meditating on obedience to Jesus. He doesn't command us to make any grand oaths or whatnot, just to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no. I've gotten caught in the web of oaths and there's no substance to them. There is a lot of power in saying yes or no in the moment. Maybe power is not quite the word, perhaps pressure is a better word. As much as we all have convictions, we still have to choose in that moment to be faithful to them. I've been warned in many cases by the Spirit to choose rightly, but unfortunately for much of my time following Jesus I've chosen what I want over what's best for me.
I love the idea of obeying Jesus. It will bring me more joy than anything else. It's not a legalistic thing, or that I have to follow the 'rules', but that Jesus wants me to obey him and that's how I can really show him that I love him. It's me listening to him, loving him, and following him, even when my wicked heart desires something more. The object is always cheaper than the trade off when I'm disobedient. Finding joy and contentment in the Lord is the only path for joy and contentment for the soul and I've often been without peace. I want to be clear that it's not a one-to-one ratio where I do something for God and he does something for me. That's ridiculous and not biblical. He's already done it all for me and he wants me to rejoice in that through making him my all. If he isn't he has a funny way of destroying our idols (which often hurts at the time but is much better after).
I'm walking through a time of patience on him and I'm so thankful for it. I don't need more idols in my life but to be seeking him only. Psalm 62 says a lot to me right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
Being patient and obedient with the Lord is where he had me on this occasion of me turning 30. It's a good place and I'm very blessed and thankful for his faithfulness.
It's been a date looming over my head through my mid-late 20's (27-29). I look at it like I'm in my late 20's now. But honestly, I look forward to my 30's, I think it's time I became a man and what better time than to leave the decade that the beginning of my walk with Christ began. He's been faithful to beginning the maturing process in me and I look forward to walking down that road more with him in the next decade. I really desire to let him mold me into a man that desires to follow him and him only.
It's been interesting the last month how some epiphanies have really struck home. The main one has been meditating on obedience to Jesus. He doesn't command us to make any grand oaths or whatnot, just to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no. I've gotten caught in the web of oaths and there's no substance to them. There is a lot of power in saying yes or no in the moment. Maybe power is not quite the word, perhaps pressure is a better word. As much as we all have convictions, we still have to choose in that moment to be faithful to them. I've been warned in many cases by the Spirit to choose rightly, but unfortunately for much of my time following Jesus I've chosen what I want over what's best for me.
I love the idea of obeying Jesus. It will bring me more joy than anything else. It's not a legalistic thing, or that I have to follow the 'rules', but that Jesus wants me to obey him and that's how I can really show him that I love him. It's me listening to him, loving him, and following him, even when my wicked heart desires something more. The object is always cheaper than the trade off when I'm disobedient. Finding joy and contentment in the Lord is the only path for joy and contentment for the soul and I've often been without peace. I want to be clear that it's not a one-to-one ratio where I do something for God and he does something for me. That's ridiculous and not biblical. He's already done it all for me and he wants me to rejoice in that through making him my all. If he isn't he has a funny way of destroying our idols (which often hurts at the time but is much better after).
I'm walking through a time of patience on him and I'm so thankful for it. I don't need more idols in my life but to be seeking him only. Psalm 62 says a lot to me right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
Being patient and obedient with the Lord is where he had me on this occasion of me turning 30. It's a good place and I'm very blessed and thankful for his faithfulness.
Monday, November 15, 2010
What I won't always be
Do not love the work or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world – the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions – is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
-1 John 2:15-17
I read this passage this morning and it reminded of me what Chandler was saying in a sermon a few weeks ago. He was saying how he wasn't going to be a pastor forever, so he couldn't make that his identity. I think at the time it was profound, but has since rolled off me until this morning.
I will not always be a musician, so I can't make that my identity. I've know for a long time that I can't make my music my identity, but the idea that when I die I will no longer be a musician never occurred to me. I love music, don't get me wrong. I also work really hard at it. But I also know the futility of it. That no matter how much I work that I can't take it with me.
This is actually very comforting to me. I don't have to pretend that all of this matters to me as much as it seems to everyone else. It gives me licence to fail. Not that I like to fail and I totally do care about my work and its quality. But it's not what makes me. I could write total junk music the rest of my life and Jesus will still love me as if I were Mozart. I mean look at the Christian music industry...most of it is trite junk but that doesn't mean that they aren't believers.
Anyways, this is a comforting thought, especially this morning when I'm trying to complete my paper on the theme and variations from Webern's Symphonie Op. 21. I again waited too long to finish it and find myself at Zera at 6 am to write all day until it's due at 6.
Regardless of this paper, my program, my music, or my circumstances, my sufficiency is in Christ.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Testimony
I gave my testimony at recovery on Tuesday. It's been a date I've wanted to avoid since September when I found out I was giving it. It's not that I'm not comfortable in front of a room, I mean I am kind of chicken and I get nervous almost all the time when in front of people, but the Lord has given me calm whenever I get up there. I think it's more like I didn't want to share the gritty with everyone. That's my fear of man coming out again when the truth of a giving a testimony is that it's not about you (me). It's about God's way of capturing me. It's a chance to show all the times where I was unfaithful, He was faithful. That is a good thing.
Testimonies give hope to people that struggle the same (or different really) way you do. Joel was absolutely right after when in prayer with our group of guys, that my story is all our story. We fall, God saves. I love hearing a lot of short testimonies in a row, different stories, same ending. God wins (so do we).
As much as I didn't really enjoy writing the testimony, it confronted me with many things. Bitterness and unforgiveness that I still felt in my heart, seeing patterns of my failure, seeing God repeatedly love me. I wrote about my relationships and how I continually let them get in the way of God in my life. I don't blame any of the girls, but myself for putting them on a pedestal or for making them my source of happiness (they are doomed to fail b/c they are not God). Through this writing process I realized that I never, never submitted my relationships to Jesus, not fully. I didn't make him my happiness, joy, and contentment first. I never obeyed.
That word, obey. What a dirty word in our culture. It shows you are weak, a fool, not a free thinker, and a sheep. Wait, a sheep? But I am a sheep and Jesus is the shepherd. Unfortunately, in today's society to obey seems to be borderline dictatorship. But the Bible has a different take on it.
Testimonies give hope to people that struggle the same (or different really) way you do. Joel was absolutely right after when in prayer with our group of guys, that my story is all our story. We fall, God saves. I love hearing a lot of short testimonies in a row, different stories, same ending. God wins (so do we).
As much as I didn't really enjoy writing the testimony, it confronted me with many things. Bitterness and unforgiveness that I still felt in my heart, seeing patterns of my failure, seeing God repeatedly love me. I wrote about my relationships and how I continually let them get in the way of God in my life. I don't blame any of the girls, but myself for putting them on a pedestal or for making them my source of happiness (they are doomed to fail b/c they are not God). Through this writing process I realized that I never, never submitted my relationships to Jesus, not fully. I didn't make him my happiness, joy, and contentment first. I never obeyed.
That word, obey. What a dirty word in our culture. It shows you are weak, a fool, not a free thinker, and a sheep. Wait, a sheep? But I am a sheep and Jesus is the shepherd. Unfortunately, in today's society to obey seems to be borderline dictatorship. But the Bible has a different take on it.
1 John 5: By this we know that we love the Children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.
I had this love of Jesus that had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with him. I loved him, and would sing it all day, but when confronted with a situation where I had to obey a teaching (mind you because I'm sure what I was about to do was wrong or selfish) I would do what I wanted. I never showed Jesus that I loved him in my actions, that he was worth more to me than anything else. I've been dwelling on that a lot, as a matter of fact I wrote on my bathroom mirror, "obey Jesus because you love him". I do love him and it's time I lived that way.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Brief Ineptitude
It's amazing how God breaks us, our confidence, our pride. What's even more interesting is how he breaks our insecurities too. As you may or may not know, I don't have the best self-confidence, I never have really. I know I have fear of man issues as one of the symptoms of fear of man is insecurity and the feeling that there's this secret person that if anyone knew would reject. My security lies within the Lord, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing a bad job.
Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.
But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.
Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.
But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
CFAMC
Yesterday I returned from Marion, IN from the Christian Fellowship of Art Music Composers (CFAMC) conference. It was a long trip that sat right in the middle of finishing an analysis paper and finishing the piece to be performed on the concert for the festival! So it's been a stressful time the last few weeks. Last year felt like a cakewalk compared to this semester. I'm trying to be effective with my time, but it just slips away from me.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Royal Tenenbaums
If there ever is a story of the prodigal son, it is this.
Royal (played by a hard to love for most of the film Gene Hackman) spends his whole life being estranged from his family because of his own selfishness. He sees nothing wrong with making himself the center of the universe and has no apologies for his actions. He gets kicked out of his house, his kids hate him (not so much Richie [the Baumer] though), and he lives in a hotel in which he also gets kicked out of. Through the film he realizes his need for his family and wants to redeem himself. He's not shy about how he feels, he explains how he seeks forgiveness but his family is more than unwilling to forgive. They kick him out again after he gets caught faking cancer in an attempt to get back in the Tenenbaum residence.
In one poignant scene Royal is sitting alongside Chas (played by Ben Stiller) at the grave of Chas's wife. Royal asks why he (chas) won't forgive him. Royal is seeking to redeem the lost years, but he thinks he can do it just by showing up and saying he's sorry. He doesn't yet realize that he needs to really show that he wants to change for them. He then spends the rest of the movie trying to change and in turn really does change. When he changes he immediately does things he should have done years ago. He gave his wife a divorce so she could remarry. He shows them that he really wants to be a part of their lives again. This is a key difference, not just saying but doing, that's the hard important part.
There are other plot lines that intertwine with this main plot. One of the hardest to watch scenes for me is the attempted suicide by Richie (played by Luke Wilson). He's in the bathroom shaving off his beard and cutting his hair, he pulls off the razor and slits his wrists. This is under the music of Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith. Most of the scene is comprised of a tight head shot which is for some reason is so powerful. It hurts so much to watch this. You want him to live, to have hope. It makes me sad every time I see it. Then the following scenes of all the family finding out rushing to the hospital. There's so much pain there, not overly dramatic as it would be in other films, a quiet pain that is real. Shock, hurriedly, calm, concerned not wailing and crying. It's an understated pain. It allows us (the viewer) to have emotion rather than trying to manipulate us to feel a certain way as most movies attempt to do.
The other scene that always gets me is the end. The final montage if Royal dying. All is well and reconciled. I love the moment when Chas's dog is killed and Royal buys him a new dog and says he bought it for the boys. Chas starts to cry and says he's had a bad year to which Royal grabs him and says he knows. So simple, powerful, understated. When Royal dies Chas is in the ambulance with him and is the only one to see him pass. It's sad and beautiful. It reminds me the end of American Beauty, in that the protagonist has a change of heart and is redeemed only to their peril a short time later. The death of both characters both gives more hope than sadness. They have found out something good and got to experience that before they died. Most people don't find this out ever and die some tragic death, yet these two saw some truth.
Anyone who doesn't appreciate this film isn't a bad person, I didn't like it the first time either. As a matter of fact I had to watch the other Wes Anderson films first to get this one. Of the Anderson films this one is the most heartwarming. There are some truly stunning moments in it that make your heart burn. This is my favorite Wes Anderson.
I also think it's mis-labeled. It's not a comedy. Try to compare to Wedding Crashers and you'll see two opposite films. Tenenbaums is a nuanced telling of flawed characters going through a redemptive process. I think it would be easy to say that the plot doesn't advance a lot, but the advancement it has is powerful and important. Redemption is sweet. Forgiveness is powerful and life changing. We find this in Jesus, that is why it's so powerful. Legalism has no power. Forgiveness, grace, love, redemption is. We are redeemed by none other than God himself in the person and works of Jesus. He personally redeemed every person to ever live. This is a truth that I am still learning about and letting wash over me. I love movies that point me to Jesus and Tenenbaums is one of the movies that I see Jesus all over in. Thank you Wes Anderson for being a good storyteller full of nuance and meaning. Thank you Jesus for making people creative that we can tell of your love in different mediums, genres, styles, and people.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
funny misconceptions
I was thinking this morning about the perception of of Christians. I think that many spend a lot of time thinking about what non-christians think about them and about their faith. I'm not here to try to dissuade anyone from believing what they want or to try to proselytize anyone. I'm here to say a few things about what it is really like to follow Jesus.
1) It is much harder than anyone thinks it is. I think there's this bait-and-switch mentality which people attempt to evangelize. We give the impression that Jesus wants to make your life easier and better for you. In a way he does. His desire is for us to follow Him and to shape us more like Jesus. He means it. Not on any time scale we think, but on His. Sometimes urgent, sometimes slow, He works on us at all different speeds. I've found that once that initial commitment to Jesus wears off that we're all left with trying to become actual disciples, which is hard. Sanctification is hard folks, and if it's not you should check your heart.
2) It is not about outward changes, but inward. Anyone can change their behavior. But Jesus knows our hearts, the desire behind how we act. He said that if we lust in our hearts we've committed adultery with that woman. Now this isn't some legalistic way of tightening the reigns on our actions, but to give even all of our thoughts to Him. He took everything that we are and do and made it into a heart condition. Where our hearts lie is also our desires. We constantly have to be checking our hearts because fundamentally they are flawed and only Jesus can change them for the better. When we change it's behavior modification, when Jesus changes us it's our heart.
3) It is SO much BETTER than anyone thinks it is. To quote Tom Hanks in "A League of their Own", "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." It is hard and that's one thing that makes it worth it. The other is that Jesus is worth it. He's worth any pathetic attempt I have to follow, and believe me it's pathetic. But he doesn't mind my pathetic attempt. He doesn't mind that I am where I am although I wish "I were farther". We're so linear and God is not. He walks along side of us through all of this and He truly loves us. I think the whole thing is amazing. He has redeemed us. We may have bad days, weeks, years, but He will redeem them all for His glory. All of my failures, then, now and future He has made right and redeemed.
My walk is different than I thought it would be. I love that. I thought it would be a steady climb through sanctification. I thought I'd always be getting better. But it's not like that. We fall. We hurt. We don't trust Jesus. We do what we want. God will let us have the desire of our hearts, and if it's not Him, He permits it. But when we to idolize other things and run away from Him, He's right there again like the prodigal son with open arms and loving grace. The old hymn had it right: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." I wish more people would dwell in those words than sing some melody with worthless words. They are powerful.
1) It is much harder than anyone thinks it is. I think there's this bait-and-switch mentality which people attempt to evangelize. We give the impression that Jesus wants to make your life easier and better for you. In a way he does. His desire is for us to follow Him and to shape us more like Jesus. He means it. Not on any time scale we think, but on His. Sometimes urgent, sometimes slow, He works on us at all different speeds. I've found that once that initial commitment to Jesus wears off that we're all left with trying to become actual disciples, which is hard. Sanctification is hard folks, and if it's not you should check your heart.
2) It is not about outward changes, but inward. Anyone can change their behavior. But Jesus knows our hearts, the desire behind how we act. He said that if we lust in our hearts we've committed adultery with that woman. Now this isn't some legalistic way of tightening the reigns on our actions, but to give even all of our thoughts to Him. He took everything that we are and do and made it into a heart condition. Where our hearts lie is also our desires. We constantly have to be checking our hearts because fundamentally they are flawed and only Jesus can change them for the better. When we change it's behavior modification, when Jesus changes us it's our heart.
3) It is SO much BETTER than anyone thinks it is. To quote Tom Hanks in "A League of their Own", "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." It is hard and that's one thing that makes it worth it. The other is that Jesus is worth it. He's worth any pathetic attempt I have to follow, and believe me it's pathetic. But he doesn't mind my pathetic attempt. He doesn't mind that I am where I am although I wish "I were farther". We're so linear and God is not. He walks along side of us through all of this and He truly loves us. I think the whole thing is amazing. He has redeemed us. We may have bad days, weeks, years, but He will redeem them all for His glory. All of my failures, then, now and future He has made right and redeemed.
My walk is different than I thought it would be. I love that. I thought it would be a steady climb through sanctification. I thought I'd always be getting better. But it's not like that. We fall. We hurt. We don't trust Jesus. We do what we want. God will let us have the desire of our hearts, and if it's not Him, He permits it. But when we to idolize other things and run away from Him, He's right there again like the prodigal son with open arms and loving grace. The old hymn had it right: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." I wish more people would dwell in those words than sing some melody with worthless words. They are powerful.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
memory
It's a weird thing. That we have memories. That at any moment we can close our eyes and go back to any moment that we can think of. Most memories are triggered by something, a smell, a song, an image, a moment. Lately I've been going up to this park at night to swing. In those moments I forget so much of what I've been dealing with lately only to be fifteen year old Patrick swinging on a warm June night back home. It literally feels like I am in that moment again. I can actually feel like what I felt like almost fifteen years ago. It feels great.
Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano. I loved it. It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that. It continually annoyed me. I doesn't anymore. I loved hearing it. I wish they had played it so much more. It took me back.
Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I know this, it is nothing new to me. But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now. This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past. I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind. He did a very good thing for us. He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there. My heart dwells there. The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51). I want my life to be here and now with Jesus. Not in the dullery that was my former life.
No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to. I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young. The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us. I can literally feel the weight of the world on me. It's physical. It's real. It hurts. I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)
It's weird being so flawed. This is the state of man's heart. We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair. There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you. It's impossible. People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham. We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves. We can't even control our own feelings! We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill? or lie? I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things. Who wants to be an adulterer? Who wants to be a murderer? Who wants to be a liar?
There is only one help for the state of our hearts. Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there. He actually indwells inside of our bodies. There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon. The indwelling of the spirit. It's real. He's here. He's inside of us. This is both good and incredibly good for us. I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us. People say they can actually feel the spirit in them. Feel it. It's real. It's not some mental construct we made up. Why would I make it up? The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness. There is also a lot of joy. Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.
I'm glad that God created us to have memories. We have them for a reason. We need to remember. We need to remember why we're here, why we were created. It's so beautiful. We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand. Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.
Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano. I loved it. It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that. It continually annoyed me. I doesn't anymore. I loved hearing it. I wish they had played it so much more. It took me back.
Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I know this, it is nothing new to me. But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now. This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past. I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind. He did a very good thing for us. He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there. My heart dwells there. The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51). I want my life to be here and now with Jesus. Not in the dullery that was my former life.
No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to. I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young. The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us. I can literally feel the weight of the world on me. It's physical. It's real. It hurts. I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)
It's weird being so flawed. This is the state of man's heart. We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair. There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you. It's impossible. People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham. We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves. We can't even control our own feelings! We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill? or lie? I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things. Who wants to be an adulterer? Who wants to be a murderer? Who wants to be a liar?
There is only one help for the state of our hearts. Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there. He actually indwells inside of our bodies. There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon. The indwelling of the spirit. It's real. He's here. He's inside of us. This is both good and incredibly good for us. I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us. People say they can actually feel the spirit in them. Feel it. It's real. It's not some mental construct we made up. Why would I make it up? The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness. There is also a lot of joy. Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.
I'm glad that God created us to have memories. We have them for a reason. We need to remember. We need to remember why we're here, why we were created. It's so beautiful. We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand. Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Kids love
I was walking with Lee a bit last night (after I ate Chicken Express [gross] way too late and was feeling bad) and I was telling him about my nephews and niece. Of course I don't have my own kids yet (God-willing) but my sister does, I love hers very much. I've loved those kids ever since the hearing of my sisters first pregnancy (I found out thanksgiving, 2002).
I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us. I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece. We're pals. Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey). I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love. I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me. She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him. I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults. It's really a trust thing. They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent. Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.
It's a really beautiful thing.
Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.
The larger point to be made is that love is trust. We can't love something that we don't really trust. It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust. After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again. To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.
We have to trust God to love Him. This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!). It's hard to live that out. It's hard to trust that God is sovereign. We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control. Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather. When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.
God is in control. As trite and cliché as that sounds and its. It's a reality. The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept. I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that. I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future. I know He does, but I'm not living that out. I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ. This post is truly to me as well as everyone else. I am reminding myself that God has it all. I don't have it. I trust that He does.
So back to my niece. I love her to pieces. She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her. How much better is it when we feel the same about God? We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us. I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle. I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him. I'm thankful.
I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us. I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece. We're pals. Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey). I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love. I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me. She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him. I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults. It's really a trust thing. They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent. Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.
It's a really beautiful thing.
Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.
The larger point to be made is that love is trust. We can't love something that we don't really trust. It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust. After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again. To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.
We have to trust God to love Him. This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!). It's hard to live that out. It's hard to trust that God is sovereign. We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control. Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather. When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.
God is in control. As trite and cliché as that sounds and its. It's a reality. The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept. I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that. I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future. I know He does, but I'm not living that out. I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ. This post is truly to me as well as everyone else. I am reminding myself that God has it all. I don't have it. I trust that He does.
is she not the cutest?
So back to my niece. I love her to pieces. She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her. How much better is it when we feel the same about God? We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us. I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle. I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him. I'm thankful.
we make crazy faces!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
IDOL
I'm just sitting here at Zera's coffee shop, my new favorite place to go listening to some music. Greg Jenkins sent me an email to show me this video of this band performing a song that reminded him of when we played together. It's weird thinking about that time in my life. That time in Ohio when I was so on fire for Jesus, didn't feel completely broken, and was worshipping God with my guitar. I truly miss those times. But Jesus in His perfect grace has placed me here, in Texas. I love this place. I love my church, The Village. I just hate where I am. God is trying to teach me a lesson I do not want to learn. It's a lesson I've been avoiding for many years.
I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way. A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless. If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride. The idolatry of my heart. Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in. I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death. Because of His death I am alive. Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.
He's slowly, tenderly breaking me. It's hard. It's not fun. I want to be on the other side of it. But He won't let me until it sinks in. Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else. Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure. He wants Him to be all those things and more. More. MORE! There is so much more out there. More of Him, less of me. This is my design. My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can. We all were designed for that purpose. Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God. Naked. Free. Loved.
God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us. We just wanted to be greater than Him. We wanted more knowledge than Him. We wanted to control ourselves more than Him. We wanted to be Him to ourselves.
Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester. He's a great guy. He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person. We meet once a week to talk. To talk about anything. Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings. I love these conversations. He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!). It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room. He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside. He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music). He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through. It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range. You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things. How me made this existence. He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful. We just clean a little spot to see Him. We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time. When I write a piece I clean a spot. People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.
When I think about stuff like that, I smile. This is the good stuff in life. The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right. I love those moments. Unfortunately, this isn't real life. We fail. We hurt. We're scared. The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there. He's there for all who call on His name. Call on His name everyday. He will never fail you. He will never fail me. I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail. It all works out to glorify Him. I'm ready. I'm ready to have God take me. I'm praying for the hard road. The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk. The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple. To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it. He does. Walk the hard road.
I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way. A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless. If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride. The idolatry of my heart. Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in. I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death. Because of His death I am alive. Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.
He's slowly, tenderly breaking me. It's hard. It's not fun. I want to be on the other side of it. But He won't let me until it sinks in. Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else. Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure. He wants Him to be all those things and more. More. MORE! There is so much more out there. More of Him, less of me. This is my design. My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can. We all were designed for that purpose. Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God. Naked. Free. Loved.
God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us. We just wanted to be greater than Him. We wanted more knowledge than Him. We wanted to control ourselves more than Him. We wanted to be Him to ourselves.
Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester. He's a great guy. He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person. We meet once a week to talk. To talk about anything. Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings. I love these conversations. He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!). It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room. He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside. He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music). He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through. It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range. You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things. How me made this existence. He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful. We just clean a little spot to see Him. We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time. When I write a piece I clean a spot. People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.
When I think about stuff like that, I smile. This is the good stuff in life. The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right. I love those moments. Unfortunately, this isn't real life. We fail. We hurt. We're scared. The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there. He's there for all who call on His name. Call on His name everyday. He will never fail you. He will never fail me. I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail. It all works out to glorify Him. I'm ready. I'm ready to have God take me. I'm praying for the hard road. The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk. The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple. To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it. He does. Walk the hard road.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Debates
This was an interesting debate series by ABC. This debate was really funny in parts. Man, people believe stupid things. This Bishop needs to get off his 'I am damaged by fundamentalism' soapbox, and he has a very small God. Deepak is an idiot.
Here's my favorite Deepak quote:
'There are forces of creativity and forces of entropy and there's tension between them. IF you only had evolutionary forces the universe would rapidly burn itself up and disappear into the heat death of absolute zero. If there were only destructive forces the universe would rapidly collapse into a black hole, before you could say 'Jesus Christ'.' (-5:17) from face-off 9.
-Could he have added any more abstract, BS, quasi-scientific terminology in there. Why don't you just say 'The universe would implode into an atom moving twice the speed of light in orbit of a blah...blah...blah...'
I'm glad I don't put my faith in science as science only reveals what limited knowledge we know. I'm not saying that science is bad, science gives us a peek into how God made things work. But if you glorify the creation (and how it works) and not the Creator, you're focusing on the wrong thing. The funny thing is, what has science afforded us? Are we really better off with all our technology? We still fight, we're not any more 'enlightened' than any other time and God knows we're the most advanced, and we still have many wars. (I know many will say war is caused by religion and especially people 'in the name of Christ' but people who kill in the name of Christ have a small view of God) God is good and he wants you to choose Him over this world and yourself. This is not a lie, that's all he wants out of us. He wants us to believe Him which really benefits us more than any other thing on this planet (or universe).
Driscoll stepped it up and was calm and sharp. Nice.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/FaceOff/
Here's my favorite Deepak quote:
'There are forces of creativity and forces of entropy and there's tension between them. IF you only had evolutionary forces the universe would rapidly burn itself up and disappear into the heat death of absolute zero. If there were only destructive forces the universe would rapidly collapse into a black hole, before you could say 'Jesus Christ'.' (-5:17) from face-off 9.
-Could he have added any more abstract, BS, quasi-scientific terminology in there. Why don't you just say 'The universe would implode into an atom moving twice the speed of light in orbit of a blah...blah...blah...'
I'm glad I don't put my faith in science as science only reveals what limited knowledge we know. I'm not saying that science is bad, science gives us a peek into how God made things work. But if you glorify the creation (and how it works) and not the Creator, you're focusing on the wrong thing. The funny thing is, what has science afforded us? Are we really better off with all our technology? We still fight, we're not any more 'enlightened' than any other time and God knows we're the most advanced, and we still have many wars. (I know many will say war is caused by religion and especially people 'in the name of Christ' but people who kill in the name of Christ have a small view of God) God is good and he wants you to choose Him over this world and yourself. This is not a lie, that's all he wants out of us. He wants us to believe Him which really benefits us more than any other thing on this planet (or universe).
Driscoll stepped it up and was calm and sharp. Nice.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/FaceOff/
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Where's Christ?
A generous segment of today's social and cultural preaching is increasingly Christless. Instead of Jesus, the message is either personal moral fortitude or collective political action. Because this sort of preaching appeals to the fears and emotions of evangelicals, it is commonplace. Thanks to people like James Dobson, Jesus has become the patron saint of any conservative's social and political agenda. While many of these crusaders are doubtless correct on the Biblical worldview, they are also usually too busy getting us to the polls to get us to Christ.
The Bible is certainly not oblivious to moral issues. The prophetic voices in scripture testify to God's holy concern with how we treat one another, and how justice is exhibited in society. But the key to scripture is always Jesus, not moral or social reform. In some of his most shocking words, Jesus says that there is a comparison that can be made between religion that helps the poor and the Gospel that commands all men everywhere to repent and believe.
Evangelicals are emotionally--and politically--engaged with cultural battles like homosexual marriage and abortion. They have demonstrated substantial growth in their support of ministries of mercy. But some of this political and moral involvement has been at the cost of Christ-centered preaching. "The Crisis"--whatever it might be--is never the point of our discipleship. We are always followers of Jesus.
-Michael Spencer 'Internet Monk'
http://www.internetmonk.com/articles/N/nochrist.html
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Addictions
I went to the 7/11 that is by my apartment today to get the usual, a 32 oz. Pepsi®. I love Pepsi, that's the truth. I refuse to get a fountain Coke, only Pepsi. Now out of necessity I'll get a Coke from the vending machine in the music building because it's the only machine, and it's Coke on all of campus (and pretty much everywhere else down here), so I'll get it. But for fountain, nothing touches a good old Pepsi.
This got me thinking as the guy before me in line is the maintenance guy for my complex. He's the typical hippie-turned-worker guy who always smells bad of a mixture of BO and beer. He was at the store buying three large sized individual Milwaukee's Best beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon. I felt sorry for him as I think that might be an indicator of a problem. But then again, I'm getting my pepsi.
Addiction is a funny thing. It always starts out as something you like, then pretty soon you can't live without it. Unfortunately, addictions are usually associated with sin or badness. I wish I had some good addictions, but I don't. I have Pepsi, candy, video games, and whatnot, which I guess is not that bad, there's more but I don't need to dig in too deep. But essentially it's all bad because it keeps us from being productive for God. Why read my bible when I could play video games?
I hate my addictions and I'm trying to ask for grace to get rid of them. Now if I just really wanted to.... Anyways, some thoughts for the day, as I'm going to start blogging again.
This got me thinking as the guy before me in line is the maintenance guy for my complex. He's the typical hippie-turned-worker guy who always smells bad of a mixture of BO and beer. He was at the store buying three large sized individual Milwaukee's Best beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon. I felt sorry for him as I think that might be an indicator of a problem. But then again, I'm getting my pepsi.
Addiction is a funny thing. It always starts out as something you like, then pretty soon you can't live without it. Unfortunately, addictions are usually associated with sin or badness. I wish I had some good addictions, but I don't. I have Pepsi, candy, video games, and whatnot, which I guess is not that bad, there's more but I don't need to dig in too deep. But essentially it's all bad because it keeps us from being productive for God. Why read my bible when I could play video games?
I hate my addictions and I'm trying to ask for grace to get rid of them. Now if I just really wanted to.... Anyways, some thoughts for the day, as I'm going to start blogging again.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Worship God 08 and more!
Ok, so a recap of what's been going on in my life. Last week Greg Jenkins (another BGCC worship leader) and I went to Gaithersburg MD for the Worship God 2008 conference. It was amazing. I learned so much about worshiping Jesus, so much. It was more than just technical stuff, it was stuff I needed to know about who God is and why we worship, how to worship deeper, how to have a worshipful heart, have a servant's heart, and how to lead worship. It was a life changing event. I really connected with Jesus on this trip, praise God!
So after I got back it's been a little crazy. We did a cool worship service at my church this morning which Greg led and I played electric guitar. I wrote parts ala the Easter service but much smaller scale with flutes, clarinets and vibes. It turned out amazing, it was really a great experience!
I've been cycling everyday and loving it! I'm going to organize a fundraiser cycle ride and start a young men's cycling ministry. Should be fun.
I also moved this week. My apartment is really cool and not a college place. It's a real adult's place. I would think it feels a little weird, but I really like it, it's really clean and comfortable.
So today I was a little tired from getting up early to get set-up for church and all the moving and riding. I went for a short ride with some terrible head-wind's so I didn't last too long. My body is tired, so I'm going to go to bed early.
So after I got back it's been a little crazy. We did a cool worship service at my church this morning which Greg led and I played electric guitar. I wrote parts ala the Easter service but much smaller scale with flutes, clarinets and vibes. It turned out amazing, it was really a great experience!
I've been cycling everyday and loving it! I'm going to organize a fundraiser cycle ride and start a young men's cycling ministry. Should be fun.
I also moved this week. My apartment is really cool and not a college place. It's a real adult's place. I would think it feels a little weird, but I really like it, it's really clean and comfortable.
So today I was a little tired from getting up early to get set-up for church and all the moving and riding. I went for a short ride with some terrible head-wind's so I didn't last too long. My body is tired, so I'm going to go to bed early.
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