When a person is born again, there is a period of time when he does not have the same vitality in his thinking or reasoning that he previously had. We must learn to express this new life within us, which comes by forming the mind of Christ (see Philippians 2:5 ). Luke 21:19 means that we take possession of our souls through patience. But many of us prefer to stay at the entrance to the Christian life, instead of going on to create and build our soul in accordance with the new life God has placed within us. We fail because we are ignorant of the way God has made us, and we blame things on the devil that are actually the result of our own undisciplined natures. Just think what we could be when we are awakened to the truth!
There are certain things in life that we need not pray about— moods, for instance. We will never get rid of moodiness by praying, but we will by kicking it out of our lives. Moods nearly always are rooted in some physical circumstance, not in our true inner self. It is a continual struggle not to listen to the moods which arise as a result of our physical condition, but we must never submit to them for a second. We have to pick ourselves up by the back of the neck and shake ourselves; then we will find that we can do what we believed we were unable to do. The problem that most of us are cursed with is simply that we won’t. The Christian life is one of spiritual courage and determination lived out in our flesh.
May 20th from "My utmost for his highest"
Thursday, May 20, 2010
funny misconceptions
I was thinking this morning about the perception of of Christians. I think that many spend a lot of time thinking about what non-christians think about them and about their faith. I'm not here to try to dissuade anyone from believing what they want or to try to proselytize anyone. I'm here to say a few things about what it is really like to follow Jesus.
1) It is much harder than anyone thinks it is. I think there's this bait-and-switch mentality which people attempt to evangelize. We give the impression that Jesus wants to make your life easier and better for you. In a way he does. His desire is for us to follow Him and to shape us more like Jesus. He means it. Not on any time scale we think, but on His. Sometimes urgent, sometimes slow, He works on us at all different speeds. I've found that once that initial commitment to Jesus wears off that we're all left with trying to become actual disciples, which is hard. Sanctification is hard folks, and if it's not you should check your heart.
2) It is not about outward changes, but inward. Anyone can change their behavior. But Jesus knows our hearts, the desire behind how we act. He said that if we lust in our hearts we've committed adultery with that woman. Now this isn't some legalistic way of tightening the reigns on our actions, but to give even all of our thoughts to Him. He took everything that we are and do and made it into a heart condition. Where our hearts lie is also our desires. We constantly have to be checking our hearts because fundamentally they are flawed and only Jesus can change them for the better. When we change it's behavior modification, when Jesus changes us it's our heart.
3) It is SO much BETTER than anyone thinks it is. To quote Tom Hanks in "A League of their Own", "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." It is hard and that's one thing that makes it worth it. The other is that Jesus is worth it. He's worth any pathetic attempt I have to follow, and believe me it's pathetic. But he doesn't mind my pathetic attempt. He doesn't mind that I am where I am although I wish "I were farther". We're so linear and God is not. He walks along side of us through all of this and He truly loves us. I think the whole thing is amazing. He has redeemed us. We may have bad days, weeks, years, but He will redeem them all for His glory. All of my failures, then, now and future He has made right and redeemed.
My walk is different than I thought it would be. I love that. I thought it would be a steady climb through sanctification. I thought I'd always be getting better. But it's not like that. We fall. We hurt. We don't trust Jesus. We do what we want. God will let us have the desire of our hearts, and if it's not Him, He permits it. But when we to idolize other things and run away from Him, He's right there again like the prodigal son with open arms and loving grace. The old hymn had it right: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." I wish more people would dwell in those words than sing some melody with worthless words. They are powerful.
1) It is much harder than anyone thinks it is. I think there's this bait-and-switch mentality which people attempt to evangelize. We give the impression that Jesus wants to make your life easier and better for you. In a way he does. His desire is for us to follow Him and to shape us more like Jesus. He means it. Not on any time scale we think, but on His. Sometimes urgent, sometimes slow, He works on us at all different speeds. I've found that once that initial commitment to Jesus wears off that we're all left with trying to become actual disciples, which is hard. Sanctification is hard folks, and if it's not you should check your heart.
2) It is not about outward changes, but inward. Anyone can change their behavior. But Jesus knows our hearts, the desire behind how we act. He said that if we lust in our hearts we've committed adultery with that woman. Now this isn't some legalistic way of tightening the reigns on our actions, but to give even all of our thoughts to Him. He took everything that we are and do and made it into a heart condition. Where our hearts lie is also our desires. We constantly have to be checking our hearts because fundamentally they are flawed and only Jesus can change them for the better. When we change it's behavior modification, when Jesus changes us it's our heart.
3) It is SO much BETTER than anyone thinks it is. To quote Tom Hanks in "A League of their Own", "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." It is hard and that's one thing that makes it worth it. The other is that Jesus is worth it. He's worth any pathetic attempt I have to follow, and believe me it's pathetic. But he doesn't mind my pathetic attempt. He doesn't mind that I am where I am although I wish "I were farther". We're so linear and God is not. He walks along side of us through all of this and He truly loves us. I think the whole thing is amazing. He has redeemed us. We may have bad days, weeks, years, but He will redeem them all for His glory. All of my failures, then, now and future He has made right and redeemed.
My walk is different than I thought it would be. I love that. I thought it would be a steady climb through sanctification. I thought I'd always be getting better. But it's not like that. We fall. We hurt. We don't trust Jesus. We do what we want. God will let us have the desire of our hearts, and if it's not Him, He permits it. But when we to idolize other things and run away from Him, He's right there again like the prodigal son with open arms and loving grace. The old hymn had it right: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me." I wish more people would dwell in those words than sing some melody with worthless words. They are powerful.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
memory
It's a weird thing. That we have memories. That at any moment we can close our eyes and go back to any moment that we can think of. Most memories are triggered by something, a smell, a song, an image, a moment. Lately I've been going up to this park at night to swing. In those moments I forget so much of what I've been dealing with lately only to be fifteen year old Patrick swinging on a warm June night back home. It literally feels like I am in that moment again. I can actually feel like what I felt like almost fifteen years ago. It feels great.
Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano. I loved it. It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that. It continually annoyed me. I doesn't anymore. I loved hearing it. I wish they had played it so much more. It took me back.
Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I know this, it is nothing new to me. But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now. This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past. I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind. He did a very good thing for us. He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there. My heart dwells there. The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51). I want my life to be here and now with Jesus. Not in the dullery that was my former life.
No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to. I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young. The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us. I can literally feel the weight of the world on me. It's physical. It's real. It hurts. I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)
It's weird being so flawed. This is the state of man's heart. We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair. There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you. It's impossible. People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham. We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves. We can't even control our own feelings! We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill? or lie? I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things. Who wants to be an adulterer? Who wants to be a murderer? Who wants to be a liar?
There is only one help for the state of our hearts. Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there. He actually indwells inside of our bodies. There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon. The indwelling of the spirit. It's real. He's here. He's inside of us. This is both good and incredibly good for us. I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us. People say they can actually feel the spirit in them. Feel it. It's real. It's not some mental construct we made up. Why would I make it up? The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness. There is also a lot of joy. Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.
I'm glad that God created us to have memories. We have them for a reason. We need to remember. We need to remember why we're here, why we were created. It's so beautiful. We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand. Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.
Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano. I loved it. It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that. It continually annoyed me. I doesn't anymore. I loved hearing it. I wish they had played it so much more. It took me back.
Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I know this, it is nothing new to me. But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now. This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past. I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind. He did a very good thing for us. He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there. My heart dwells there. The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51). I want my life to be here and now with Jesus. Not in the dullery that was my former life.
No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to. I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young. The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us. I can literally feel the weight of the world on me. It's physical. It's real. It hurts. I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)
It's weird being so flawed. This is the state of man's heart. We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair. There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you. It's impossible. People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham. We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves. We can't even control our own feelings! We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill? or lie? I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things. Who wants to be an adulterer? Who wants to be a murderer? Who wants to be a liar?
There is only one help for the state of our hearts. Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there. He actually indwells inside of our bodies. There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon. The indwelling of the spirit. It's real. He's here. He's inside of us. This is both good and incredibly good for us. I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us. People say they can actually feel the spirit in them. Feel it. It's real. It's not some mental construct we made up. Why would I make it up? The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness. There is also a lot of joy. Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.
I'm glad that God created us to have memories. We have them for a reason. We need to remember. We need to remember why we're here, why we were created. It's so beautiful. We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand. Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.
Friday, April 23, 2010
two opposing things
I feel completely deflated. That's really the best word to describe where I am. I feel like a lame duck. Like a president on his last month after two terms. I didn't want to get out of bed (again) this morning. It was all I could do to get out of the apartment in time for our departmental at 11. Why can't I be rejoicing in how God's changing me? I'm not. I've been pretty much a DB my whole life. Although now I'm really starting to understand why, it's not encouraging to hear that I was (is). Maybe that's the source of my problem...that I always have thought of myself as being a good person, but the reality is that I'm not. I've literally been deluding myself all these years. Even more so since I've accepted Christ. I've done heinous things all while proclaiming to be a believer. What hypocrisy!
It's weird. Dealing with all of this. I'm feeling the sin with no hope. With no silver lining. Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it. But right now it's completely gone. I hate this, I really do. I've never felt so weak and pathetic. I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month). At this point I really feel like giving up. Just sitting in my room and not coming out. I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.
On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight. She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers. She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in. We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end. My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.
It's weird. Dealing with all of this. I'm feeling the sin with no hope. With no silver lining. Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it. But right now it's completely gone. I hate this, I really do. I've never felt so weak and pathetic. I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month). At this point I really feel like giving up. Just sitting in my room and not coming out. I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.
On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight. She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers. She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in. We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end. My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.
Monday, April 19, 2010
wreckage
So this weekend I was in a real car accident. One of those 'slam of the breaks but can't stop because of slippery roads I misjudged the speed' types of things. I rear ended the car in front of me, going I think between 40-45 mph. He was at a standstill in the middle lane. BOOM! Everyone was okay (thank the Lord). I got a ticket, lost my car, and had to make my first claim on my car insurance. It was a big day.
Here are the pics of my Honda R.I.P.
Here are the pics of my Honda R.I.P.
looks like I'll be taking the scooter from now on....
oh monday how I loathe you...
I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Maybe it was a realization that I was in a car accident this weekend, or the gloomy weather, or the upcoming end of semester push, but it was something. I just didn't want to get out of bed. Not because I was tired so much. Mostly because I didn't want the day to start. It's one of those weird lies we all believe, 'if I don't get up the day won't start'. Unfortunately no matter when we get up the day does start.
There was a point after I checked my email that I had a decision to make. My routine is usually getting up, checking email, then reading, showering, school......etc. I didn't want to read this morning. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to be miserable. I wanted to feel hopeless. My body ached still from the crash. A million things were rushing through my head. It was all a little too overwhelming.
So the choice...Do I try and do it on my own, or do I take it to God. The answer seems obvious. But in those moments we don't want to take it to God. We want to wallow in it. I certainly do.
So I got out my bible and read the first six chapters of Romans. What a grand reminder! I've been living in Romans this semester and it never fails to hear what screw ups we are. It was just God convicting me. And convicting me. And convicting me.
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?
-Romans 2: 1-4 (emphasis mine)
The whole point of grace is to lead up to repent. Oh how I've thought differently all these years. I thought it was there so I could mess up without going to hell. While that is technically true, that there is nothing I can do to lose my salvation, the point of God's grace is to lead us toward being more like Christ. This can only happen if we have repentant hearts. Constantly repenting of our sins so God can really start to change us, to shape us. I am just at the beginning of this journey and I still have a lot to learn about it. It's hard, and I'm not really happy that I'm here. But I am joyful that Jesus loves us (me) enough to put me through whatever it is I need to go through to only grasp on to Him. Only to Him.
There was a point after I checked my email that I had a decision to make. My routine is usually getting up, checking email, then reading, showering, school......etc. I didn't want to read this morning. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to be miserable. I wanted to feel hopeless. My body ached still from the crash. A million things were rushing through my head. It was all a little too overwhelming.
So the choice...Do I try and do it on my own, or do I take it to God. The answer seems obvious. But in those moments we don't want to take it to God. We want to wallow in it. I certainly do.
So I got out my bible and read the first six chapters of Romans. What a grand reminder! I've been living in Romans this semester and it never fails to hear what screw ups we are. It was just God convicting me. And convicting me. And convicting me.
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?
-Romans 2: 1-4 (emphasis mine)
The whole point of grace is to lead up to repent. Oh how I've thought differently all these years. I thought it was there so I could mess up without going to hell. While that is technically true, that there is nothing I can do to lose my salvation, the point of God's grace is to lead us toward being more like Christ. This can only happen if we have repentant hearts. Constantly repenting of our sins so God can really start to change us, to shape us. I am just at the beginning of this journey and I still have a lot to learn about it. It's hard, and I'm not really happy that I'm here. But I am joyful that Jesus loves us (me) enough to put me through whatever it is I need to go through to only grasp on to Him. Only to Him.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Real-time improv
This whole year I've been meeting with 3 other composers every week to improvise. At first it was just something fun we did (at least that's what it was for me). But through the year we've sort of improved a lot and starting to really think this could be a real musical opportunity. Last month we had our first performance performing "the well and the gentle" by Pauline Oliveros. It was a total blast! We were a bit nervous, but the performance was actually our best run through of it to date and I think that's a good sign for an ensemble. We're looking for a name which is difficult but we're on the path!
We're added a 5th member, Paul Thomas on accordion which is a great addition to my electric guitar, L. Scott Price on electric guitar, Sarah Summar on violin, and Ben Johansen on alto sax.
Original Quartet with Pauline Oliveros:
L to R: Sarah Summar, Ben Johansen, Patrick Peringer, Scott Price
Rehearsal at Sarah's (please don't knock the shaved head)
photo: David Summar
Another rehearsal pic
photo: David Summar
Improv with dancers in MEIT
Photo: Michelle Hurt
Visuals: Ben Johaneson
Another angle
Sarah and Scott
Scott
Paul
Ben
Patrick
One more of me....
Kids love
I was walking with Lee a bit last night (after I ate Chicken Express [gross] way too late and was feeling bad) and I was telling him about my nephews and niece. Of course I don't have my own kids yet (God-willing) but my sister does, I love hers very much. I've loved those kids ever since the hearing of my sisters first pregnancy (I found out thanksgiving, 2002).
I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us. I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece. We're pals. Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey). I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love. I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me. She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him. I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults. It's really a trust thing. They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent. Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.
It's a really beautiful thing.
Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.
The larger point to be made is that love is trust. We can't love something that we don't really trust. It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust. After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again. To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.
We have to trust God to love Him. This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!). It's hard to live that out. It's hard to trust that God is sovereign. We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control. Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather. When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.
God is in control. As trite and cliché as that sounds and its. It's a reality. The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept. I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that. I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future. I know He does, but I'm not living that out. I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ. This post is truly to me as well as everyone else. I am reminding myself that God has it all. I don't have it. I trust that He does.
So back to my niece. I love her to pieces. She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her. How much better is it when we feel the same about God? We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us. I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle. I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him. I'm thankful.
I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us. I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece. We're pals. Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey). I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love. I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me. She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him. I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults. It's really a trust thing. They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent. Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.
It's a really beautiful thing.
Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.
The larger point to be made is that love is trust. We can't love something that we don't really trust. It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust. After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again. To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.
We have to trust God to love Him. This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!). It's hard to live that out. It's hard to trust that God is sovereign. We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control. Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather. When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.
God is in control. As trite and cliché as that sounds and its. It's a reality. The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept. I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that. I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future. I know He does, but I'm not living that out. I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ. This post is truly to me as well as everyone else. I am reminding myself that God has it all. I don't have it. I trust that He does.
is she not the cutest?
So back to my niece. I love her to pieces. She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her. How much better is it when we feel the same about God? We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us. I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle. I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him. I'm thankful.
we make crazy faces!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
IDOL
I'm just sitting here at Zera's coffee shop, my new favorite place to go listening to some music. Greg Jenkins sent me an email to show me this video of this band performing a song that reminded him of when we played together. It's weird thinking about that time in my life. That time in Ohio when I was so on fire for Jesus, didn't feel completely broken, and was worshipping God with my guitar. I truly miss those times. But Jesus in His perfect grace has placed me here, in Texas. I love this place. I love my church, The Village. I just hate where I am. God is trying to teach me a lesson I do not want to learn. It's a lesson I've been avoiding for many years.
I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way. A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless. If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride. The idolatry of my heart. Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in. I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death. Because of His death I am alive. Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.
He's slowly, tenderly breaking me. It's hard. It's not fun. I want to be on the other side of it. But He won't let me until it sinks in. Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else. Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure. He wants Him to be all those things and more. More. MORE! There is so much more out there. More of Him, less of me. This is my design. My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can. We all were designed for that purpose. Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God. Naked. Free. Loved.
God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us. We just wanted to be greater than Him. We wanted more knowledge than Him. We wanted to control ourselves more than Him. We wanted to be Him to ourselves.
Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester. He's a great guy. He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person. We meet once a week to talk. To talk about anything. Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings. I love these conversations. He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!). It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room. He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside. He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music). He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through. It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range. You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things. How me made this existence. He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful. We just clean a little spot to see Him. We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time. When I write a piece I clean a spot. People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.
When I think about stuff like that, I smile. This is the good stuff in life. The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right. I love those moments. Unfortunately, this isn't real life. We fail. We hurt. We're scared. The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there. He's there for all who call on His name. Call on His name everyday. He will never fail you. He will never fail me. I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail. It all works out to glorify Him. I'm ready. I'm ready to have God take me. I'm praying for the hard road. The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk. The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple. To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it. He does. Walk the hard road.
I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way. A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless. If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride. The idolatry of my heart. Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in. I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death. Because of His death I am alive. Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.
He's slowly, tenderly breaking me. It's hard. It's not fun. I want to be on the other side of it. But He won't let me until it sinks in. Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else. Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure. He wants Him to be all those things and more. More. MORE! There is so much more out there. More of Him, less of me. This is my design. My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can. We all were designed for that purpose. Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God. Naked. Free. Loved.
God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us. We just wanted to be greater than Him. We wanted more knowledge than Him. We wanted to control ourselves more than Him. We wanted to be Him to ourselves.
Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester. He's a great guy. He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person. We meet once a week to talk. To talk about anything. Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings. I love these conversations. He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!). It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room. He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside. He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music). He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through. It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range. You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things. How me made this existence. He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful. We just clean a little spot to see Him. We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time. When I write a piece I clean a spot. People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.
When I think about stuff like that, I smile. This is the good stuff in life. The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right. I love those moments. Unfortunately, this isn't real life. We fail. We hurt. We're scared. The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there. He's there for all who call on His name. Call on His name everyday. He will never fail you. He will never fail me. I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail. It all works out to glorify Him. I'm ready. I'm ready to have God take me. I'm praying for the hard road. The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk. The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple. To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it. He does. Walk the hard road.
Friday, February 26, 2010
life is crazy
This semester is kind of kicking my A. I'm taking four classes which is one more than I took last semester and these classes require much more time than the last ones. Physical Modeling is a two parter: 1) learn interesting digital audio process through math and diagrams 2) Implement in C Sound (or MAX). The MAX stuff I kind of get, but C Sound is brand new to me and it's ripping me a new one.
Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900. This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester. We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro. We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis. This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1. I woke up in a panic and started to get to work. My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time). Now I am a fast test taker. I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it. This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class. So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking. I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it. But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.
My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular. I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May. This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet. I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.
It's going to be a push to get to spring break. Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers. One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people. The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it). It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin. We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least! This is all coming up in the next few weeks. Crazy time.
God let me make it to spring break.
Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900. This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester. We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro. We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis. This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1. I woke up in a panic and started to get to work. My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time). Now I am a fast test taker. I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it. This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class. So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking. I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it. But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.
My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular. I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May. This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet. I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.
It's going to be a push to get to spring break. Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers. One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people. The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it). It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin. We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least! This is all coming up in the next few weeks. Crazy time.
God let me make it to spring break.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Debates
This was an interesting debate series by ABC. This debate was really funny in parts. Man, people believe stupid things. This Bishop needs to get off his 'I am damaged by fundamentalism' soapbox, and he has a very small God. Deepak is an idiot.
Here's my favorite Deepak quote:
'There are forces of creativity and forces of entropy and there's tension between them. IF you only had evolutionary forces the universe would rapidly burn itself up and disappear into the heat death of absolute zero. If there were only destructive forces the universe would rapidly collapse into a black hole, before you could say 'Jesus Christ'.' (-5:17) from face-off 9.
-Could he have added any more abstract, BS, quasi-scientific terminology in there. Why don't you just say 'The universe would implode into an atom moving twice the speed of light in orbit of a blah...blah...blah...'
I'm glad I don't put my faith in science as science only reveals what limited knowledge we know. I'm not saying that science is bad, science gives us a peek into how God made things work. But if you glorify the creation (and how it works) and not the Creator, you're focusing on the wrong thing. The funny thing is, what has science afforded us? Are we really better off with all our technology? We still fight, we're not any more 'enlightened' than any other time and God knows we're the most advanced, and we still have many wars. (I know many will say war is caused by religion and especially people 'in the name of Christ' but people who kill in the name of Christ have a small view of God) God is good and he wants you to choose Him over this world and yourself. This is not a lie, that's all he wants out of us. He wants us to believe Him which really benefits us more than any other thing on this planet (or universe).
Driscoll stepped it up and was calm and sharp. Nice.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/FaceOff/
Here's my favorite Deepak quote:
'There are forces of creativity and forces of entropy and there's tension between them. IF you only had evolutionary forces the universe would rapidly burn itself up and disappear into the heat death of absolute zero. If there were only destructive forces the universe would rapidly collapse into a black hole, before you could say 'Jesus Christ'.' (-5:17) from face-off 9.
-Could he have added any more abstract, BS, quasi-scientific terminology in there. Why don't you just say 'The universe would implode into an atom moving twice the speed of light in orbit of a blah...blah...blah...'
I'm glad I don't put my faith in science as science only reveals what limited knowledge we know. I'm not saying that science is bad, science gives us a peek into how God made things work. But if you glorify the creation (and how it works) and not the Creator, you're focusing on the wrong thing. The funny thing is, what has science afforded us? Are we really better off with all our technology? We still fight, we're not any more 'enlightened' than any other time and God knows we're the most advanced, and we still have many wars. (I know many will say war is caused by religion and especially people 'in the name of Christ' but people who kill in the name of Christ have a small view of God) God is good and he wants you to choose Him over this world and yourself. This is not a lie, that's all he wants out of us. He wants us to believe Him which really benefits us more than any other thing on this planet (or universe).
Driscoll stepped it up and was calm and sharp. Nice.
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/FaceOff/
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Where's Christ?
A generous segment of today's social and cultural preaching is increasingly Christless. Instead of Jesus, the message is either personal moral fortitude or collective political action. Because this sort of preaching appeals to the fears and emotions of evangelicals, it is commonplace. Thanks to people like James Dobson, Jesus has become the patron saint of any conservative's social and political agenda. While many of these crusaders are doubtless correct on the Biblical worldview, they are also usually too busy getting us to the polls to get us to Christ.
The Bible is certainly not oblivious to moral issues. The prophetic voices in scripture testify to God's holy concern with how we treat one another, and how justice is exhibited in society. But the key to scripture is always Jesus, not moral or social reform. In some of his most shocking words, Jesus says that there is a comparison that can be made between religion that helps the poor and the Gospel that commands all men everywhere to repent and believe.
Evangelicals are emotionally--and politically--engaged with cultural battles like homosexual marriage and abortion. They have demonstrated substantial growth in their support of ministries of mercy. But some of this political and moral involvement has been at the cost of Christ-centered preaching. "The Crisis"--whatever it might be--is never the point of our discipleship. We are always followers of Jesus.
-Michael Spencer 'Internet Monk'
http://www.internetmonk.com/articles/N/nochrist.html
Monday, January 25, 2010
New Semester
Last week was the start of a new semester. I'm glad to be in the new year with a new semester as the last one was good but kept rolling along. The weather in Denton the last few weeks has been great, mostly sunny and in the 60's or higher. This really makes me happy and I've been taking some walk which have been nice.
I'm starting a new piece and I'm still undecided on what to do. I don't have a consistent teacher this semester as my lessons are going to be covered by the numerous guest composers we have this semester including Harvey Sollberger, Libby Larsen, Pauline Oliveros, Claude Baker, and more. With the weeks of no guests I'll be with Dr. May. So it will be pretty cool I think.
I am going to write a piece with many short movements instead of one long one. I don't have many (really any) works that are multi-movement and I really want to work on that. I want to write a chamber piece, <=7 players, and my initial instrumentation is flute, clarinet, alto sax, 2 trombones, piano, percussion. But after talking to Dr. May I am not so sure as it may be cool, but not pragmatic. The 'standard' mixed ensemble is called 'Pierro' after Schoenberg's 'Pierro Lunaire' which is flute, clarinet, violin, cello, piano. This is pretty standard and if I did that with a percussionist that would be pretty standard. I guess I could get a trombone involved which would make a 7 person ensemble. Anyways, I'm still thinking.
I am going to quasi-model it off of Messiaen's 'Quartet for the end of time' which is for violin, clarinet, cello, and piano. It has 8 movements which I think will serve as somewhat of a model for my piece. At least it will give me a starting point. I want it to have to do with the bible, but I don't know what aspect I want to bring out, which stories, which truths. I've been spending a lot of time in Genesis and that would be obvious with creation and all, but I want something less obvious and trite, something more original, not that this will in any way add to the bible, it's just my take and expression of it.
I'm starting a new piece and I'm still undecided on what to do. I don't have a consistent teacher this semester as my lessons are going to be covered by the numerous guest composers we have this semester including Harvey Sollberger, Libby Larsen, Pauline Oliveros, Claude Baker, and more. With the weeks of no guests I'll be with Dr. May. So it will be pretty cool I think.
I am going to write a piece with many short movements instead of one long one. I don't have many (really any) works that are multi-movement and I really want to work on that. I want to write a chamber piece, <=7 players, and my initial instrumentation is flute, clarinet, alto sax, 2 trombones, piano, percussion. But after talking to Dr. May I am not so sure as it may be cool, but not pragmatic. The 'standard' mixed ensemble is called 'Pierro' after Schoenberg's 'Pierro Lunaire' which is flute, clarinet, violin, cello, piano. This is pretty standard and if I did that with a percussionist that would be pretty standard. I guess I could get a trombone involved which would make a 7 person ensemble. Anyways, I'm still thinking.
I am going to quasi-model it off of Messiaen's 'Quartet for the end of time' which is for violin, clarinet, cello, and piano. It has 8 movements which I think will serve as somewhat of a model for my piece. At least it will give me a starting point. I want it to have to do with the bible, but I don't know what aspect I want to bring out, which stories, which truths. I've been spending a lot of time in Genesis and that would be obvious with creation and all, but I want something less obvious and trite, something more original, not that this will in any way add to the bible, it's just my take and expression of it.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
What I like about being at Brandi's
So I'm in Valparaiso Indiana at my sister's for Christmas. It's been a really good time except I'm getting used to the weather, it's so cold! We're all having a good time. Here are some pics of the kids and a few I took last night about things I like here.
Jude, the original christmas ham!
Sibley and I do CRAZY EYES!
All kids asleep in the car
Zipperface!
So Brandi told me to bring a stocking, and I have the matching stocking but brought only my old one. Talk about the odd man out.
The christmas tree (in all it's splendor!)
A long exposure shot of the snow in the back yard last night.
More pictures to come at a later date! Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Pillars of Sun
Here's the link to listen to my string quartet. Enjoy! Click on WAV file for best quality.
http://mu2009-nt106567.music.unt.edu/Patrick_Peringer/
http://mu2009-nt106567.music.unt.edu/Patrick_Peringer/
String Quartet Pictures
Here are a few pics of me with the quartet last night at our second recording session. I'll be posting soon the edited version of the piece. (photos by Josh Harris)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Stressful weeks!
In my Contemporary Performace Practice seminar the only real grade is the final presentation and paper. I've known about it all semester, I've had my topic loosely chosen since the beginning of October and of course three weeks ago I was sick on the day we signed up for the presentation and I got tomorrow, instead of after thanksgiving. This is a blessing and a curse in that I only had a few weeks to get it all ready, but I would be done before thanksgiving and I could write the paper over the "break" (in quotes because UNT only give thurs and friday off).
Of course the focus on my topic has shifted throughout my reseatch and I finally have a solid topic. I am exploring the strictness of time in some proportionally notated works by Toru Takemitsu. If you aren't a musician what that means is Takemitsu wrote a few pieces that don't have defined time-divisions (like a meter with tempo [remember from band a time signature 'four-four' and a tempo 'Quarter = 90 beats per minute]) but with gestures of notes with no clearly quantized (lined up) rhythms. While this is really an oversimplification, it's the best I can do. What typical performers see when they see proportional notation is freedom and expression. They think they can hold notes longer because it may be a note that is to be held for 4 to 6 seconds, which gives them an option for how long they hold the note.
What I am proving through Bryce, Water-ways, and Rain Spell is that Takemitsu did not intend for the spatial notation to give hte performers licence to alter the time more than he has allowed. There is very intricate timing-cues and event orderings that make the piece sound how it does. If a careless ensemble were to perform these works they could really mess up the sound by being lazy. Contant diligence is required by the performers to be listening and knowing the other parts to see how they incorporate into the fray.
I am especially interested in this because my new string quartet has many minutes of spatial notation and I've been frustrated with my quartet for not knowing how to interpret it and I have to explain it and count it for them. Spatial notation is nothing new, but apparently it's not dogma quite yet, and how to interpret it is even farther behind than even knowing what it is. I am hoping to bridge some kind of gap for performers on what the composer's intent it and how to interact with the music.
At any rate, I've found this very interesting and useful to my research interests. I also really love the music. If you want to hear bits of Bryce or Rain Spell go to this page and have a listen for a minute. It's really beautiful, exotic stuff.
Of course the focus on my topic has shifted throughout my reseatch and I finally have a solid topic. I am exploring the strictness of time in some proportionally notated works by Toru Takemitsu. If you aren't a musician what that means is Takemitsu wrote a few pieces that don't have defined time-divisions (like a meter with tempo [remember from band a time signature 'four-four' and a tempo 'Quarter = 90 beats per minute]) but with gestures of notes with no clearly quantized (lined up) rhythms. While this is really an oversimplification, it's the best I can do. What typical performers see when they see proportional notation is freedom and expression. They think they can hold notes longer because it may be a note that is to be held for 4 to 6 seconds, which gives them an option for how long they hold the note.
What I am proving through Bryce, Water-ways, and Rain Spell is that Takemitsu did not intend for the spatial notation to give hte performers licence to alter the time more than he has allowed. There is very intricate timing-cues and event orderings that make the piece sound how it does. If a careless ensemble were to perform these works they could really mess up the sound by being lazy. Contant diligence is required by the performers to be listening and knowing the other parts to see how they incorporate into the fray.
I am especially interested in this because my new string quartet has many minutes of spatial notation and I've been frustrated with my quartet for not knowing how to interpret it and I have to explain it and count it for them. Spatial notation is nothing new, but apparently it's not dogma quite yet, and how to interpret it is even farther behind than even knowing what it is. I am hoping to bridge some kind of gap for performers on what the composer's intent it and how to interact with the music.
At any rate, I've found this very interesting and useful to my research interests. I also really love the music. If you want to hear bits of Bryce or Rain Spell go to this page and have a listen for a minute. It's really beautiful, exotic stuff.
Monday, November 2, 2009
my work setup
I got up early to work on my piece (because I decided to do a final copy on the computer) and had to make a run across town to get a numerical pad which expedites the copying process greatly in Sibelius. I've been working and I thought that I love my setup, so I thought I'd share it with you alls.
This is where I live and work. I am really starting to like it, so much so that I might try to buy this table when my lease ends and Nick and I move apart. I don't have class till 3 today, so I'll be working here all day, I love it!
This is an overall shot of my desk, which is actually Nick's dining room table that's in the living room.
We never use it so I thought I'd just camp out here to get my work done. Two screens, one bible, one cup of coffee, and a lot of cool stuff (notice the stack of 'brainy' books).
A vertical shot of it. I put in that light a few weeks ago because this side of the living room was really dark and I couldn't see anything, it really helps. Also notice above the painting that my grandmother Dorothy Norton Peringer painted in '63. I love it being above where I work.
Two displays! Well, one extra really as one automatically comes with the macbook.
A hot cup of coffee with pumpkin spice creamer in it. It's a seasonal favorite, so I need to use it while it lasts.
A handy paper holder I got at U of I after seeing Bukvich have one (I actually have one of his around here somewhere).
A shot of the right side with my three hard drives (too many!) and my new numerical pad.
This is where I live and work. I am really starting to like it, so much so that I might try to buy this table when my lease ends and Nick and I move apart. I don't have class till 3 today, so I'll be working here all day, I love it!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sunday mornings
I love my Sunday mornings. They are the highlight of my week. It's weird that I'm not at the age where instead of Friday or Saturday nights, I look forward to my Sunday mornings (Saturdays are usually similar).
I wake up, get a shower and get ready and get to Starbucks so I can compose and get a coffee (lately pumpkin spice latte's). I don't get coffee from there during the week as it's too much money, so I save it for the weekends. I get there, get my coffee and just compose. It's my designated composition time. I look at it like time with music and God, because I have church at 11, which is a great time because it's enough time in the morning to get a good session in. I don't have to think about anything else, work, school work, money, or anything else. I can just sit, drink my coffee, think about God, write music. It's really the perfect time for me. Today the sun was out, it was blue skies, and I worked on getting to the end of my final hand-draft. I got there and came up with a great idea for the end which extended the ending by over 30 seconds which brings the total time for the piece to 13 minutes. I still have 9 bars after the mid-point to work out, but I have a good idea of what to do and I'm going to take care of that after church.
I realized two things about who I am as a composer and how I look at my music:
1) I'm not experimental for experimental's sake.
-Too many composers are trying to be experimental just to be experimental. Their music usually lacks soul, emotion, and creativity. It becomes a gimmick, and people usually forget about it except for maybe some gimmickey "experimental" aspect. I want people to remember my music for what it makes them feel, not that I'm writing gushy-hyper-emotional-trash just to get people to weep. There is a balance between the brain and the heart but they both should be fully engaged.
2) I'm not composing to impress anyone.
-Too many composers write to impress other people, namely musicians and namely other composers. My music is not impressive from a technical, or virtuosic standpoint. I really don't care for it to. Not that I write simplistic music, although I value simplicity and a clear sense of direction. I don't care if anyone listens to my music and are impressed by it's exciting elements. My music is not bombastic, or overly intense. It has times where it can be a little 'notey', but overall I like space to be a factor in the structure. My SQ has a lot of space in it, maybe too much in fact. The first three and last four minutes are long phrases with just a few notes held throughout. I like it and think it will be a meditative thing.
I wake up, get a shower and get ready and get to Starbucks so I can compose and get a coffee (lately pumpkin spice latte's). I don't get coffee from there during the week as it's too much money, so I save it for the weekends. I get there, get my coffee and just compose. It's my designated composition time. I look at it like time with music and God, because I have church at 11, which is a great time because it's enough time in the morning to get a good session in. I don't have to think about anything else, work, school work, money, or anything else. I can just sit, drink my coffee, think about God, write music. It's really the perfect time for me. Today the sun was out, it was blue skies, and I worked on getting to the end of my final hand-draft. I got there and came up with a great idea for the end which extended the ending by over 30 seconds which brings the total time for the piece to 13 minutes. I still have 9 bars after the mid-point to work out, but I have a good idea of what to do and I'm going to take care of that after church.
I realized two things about who I am as a composer and how I look at my music:
1) I'm not experimental for experimental's sake.
-Too many composers are trying to be experimental just to be experimental. Their music usually lacks soul, emotion, and creativity. It becomes a gimmick, and people usually forget about it except for maybe some gimmickey "experimental" aspect. I want people to remember my music for what it makes them feel, not that I'm writing gushy-hyper-emotional-trash just to get people to weep. There is a balance between the brain and the heart but they both should be fully engaged.
2) I'm not composing to impress anyone.
-Too many composers write to impress other people, namely musicians and namely other composers. My music is not impressive from a technical, or virtuosic standpoint. I really don't care for it to. Not that I write simplistic music, although I value simplicity and a clear sense of direction. I don't care if anyone listens to my music and are impressed by it's exciting elements. My music is not bombastic, or overly intense. It has times where it can be a little 'notey', but overall I like space to be a factor in the structure. My SQ has a lot of space in it, maybe too much in fact. The first three and last four minutes are long phrases with just a few notes held throughout. I like it and think it will be a meditative thing.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
yet again....
I get these symptoms that doctors can't make any sense of. It's always with my digestion tract. This case knocked me out the last few days, which in the middle of the week seems to make the whole week void. I went to the student health center and the doctor didn't know what it was. She said it wasn't my appendix which is good. I started to feel ill two days ago with an upset stomach and tired achy body. Then last night I got a pain in my right side. So I'm on the BRAT diet for today and maybe tomorrow. I pray that I get better as this isn't getting worse or better. I need to become functional again! If I can get better tomorrow then I can work through the weekend and get back on track.
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