Isn't it weird that heartache is physical? Many emotions take form physically, nervousness can wreck a stomach, which I've had my fair share of being a perpetual coward. But tonight the feeling is that of heartache. That's the only way to describe it. I am heartbroken tonight. Those that know me will probably know why I feel this way; I am yet again delving into the past. I think tonight is different as there are things going on in my heart that I'm addressing, so to really think through this I'm reading old emails. It's amazing how simply going through pages upon pages of email can bring back so many memories of past times. Not what the emails themselves say necessarily but the timing of all of them. I remember all of those emails and the ordering which I received them. Not all of it and when I see some I forgot, it reminds me.
Tonight was cathartic in some ways. It's making me thankful for Jesus, for the cross, for the fact that He's taken all of my sins because that's what I was presented with tonight. Email after email of my folly. My selfishness. My choices.
It's hard to gauge regret. I feel it and it feels real. I have it in many places in my life, but a running theme in my life are failed relationships. I want so bad to regret so many things in my life. But there are two things that I'm wrestling with on why I can't regret. 1) My life is being ordained with God with the end of Him being glorified in all of it. He redeems it all for His glory. He knew it would all happen and walk through it with me to teach me something new about Him. 2) That I can't regret not having more faith. What I would regret more than all the failure in relationships is not being more mature in Christ. I lament this. I look back and see a scared boy who is still living on spiritual milk, not a man who is being nourished with meat and potatoes. I can't speed up sanctification. While I wish that there were more times I was following Jesus than running, I can't change that in me and even now I want to run much of the time. I want to have more faith and be more mature five years ago so that I could be married then. The truth to that matter is that I don't want more faith to follow Jesus but to have him for something I want, which is idolatry.
So for these reasons my heart aches. It hurts. There are real scars there that I can't heal. There's anxiety in there I can't let go of. It's frustrating and difficult. I feel like a failure that I'm not married yet. That I have this desire and yet it is still not met. I question what it means that I'm still single. It shakes me.
I've always looked forward to having a family. Anyone who knows me how much I love kids and the idea of being a father. I wonder if I want it more than Jesus. I think I do a lot of the time. I don't want Jesus so I can have a family. I want Jesus because He saved me. It's hard business wrestling with your heart. That has been the epitome of this year for me. 8 months of me wrestling with my heart, desires, flesh, pain, fears, all of it. It gets tiresome. I want to be 'there' (wherever that is). It's a hard walk but one that is worth it for know more about Jesus. I'm not going to give up although it's rough. I want to give up a lot but Jesus is not letting me, neither are the people He's surrounded me with. I'm thankful for that.
13 comments:
Really dude? Let go of the past and move on. Do you know the word delete? It would be helpful to you! All of us can live in regrets but our hope is in the Lord - our future...He has given us so much to look forward to not to look back upon. Move forward!!!
Anonymous, thanks for the comment. I agree with you. It would be helpful if you were to not be anonymous if further interaction could happen.
You don't need to interact with me...you should be seeking Jesus only. He is the one to help you put the past to rest and move forward.
interesting....do you just like to post comments on people's blogs whom you don't know and then the part where some community can happen you 'point me to Jesus' instead? Thanks dude.
No when I saw that you were a composer I was interested but you write nothing about music...I am a serious about music and the mission that God has given me. Possibly when you are at a more stable place, we could be friends.
What's unfortunate about this exchange of comments is the total lack of Jesus. While you advise me to "seek Jesus" I can't help but hear trite words from a stranger who won't reveal even a name. It comes across as self-righteous with no intent to actually communicate helpful truth but to show how righteous you are (or seem to have it). This may or may not be where your heart is, but from my end it comes across this way.
The purpose of this blog for is to communicate thoughts about what is going on the the pit of my heart and how Jesus is working through my faults, fears, pain, pride, and idolatry to make me into a new man. You can bet I take this seriously as well as my music.
While I feel the need to defend myself to you, I know this is a construct of my own fear of man issues which I am workout out with fear and trembling through the Lord in community with my friends. I know I don't have to defend myself to you or to anyone for that matter.
I apologize for antagonizing you. I must admit I was taken aback from your initial comment and through this exchange have only gotten more frustrated. We shouldn't be antagonizing each other, we should be building each other up in the Spirit, supporting each other, praying for each other. I do hope that God blesses your music and your ministry though it.
Again, I'm sorry for the pithiness of previous exchanges and hope that perhaps future ones could be to build the kingdom, not tear it down.
No problem dude! No offense here...hope you can get your life on the right track!
wow pat. after reading this you cannot ever call yourself a coward again. you are right "on track"
thanks rae! It's nice to have some encouragement. You are a kingdom builder and I appreciate that. Boom!
I have no words to express my sadness. I completely understand what you are saying. I don't have any advice or wisdom for you, just that I understand. I too understand my fair share of regret and the what-ifs and timing. I'm praying for you...that God alone comforts you, heals, and restores. I love that Christ is our Redeemer, the God of infinite chances.
Thanks for sharing this post Patrick, it's touched me deeply. I see courage and maturity in such an honest reflection.
God bless you!
Thank you Anon. I re-read that post tonight and it rings different for me now. I have had some great healing through the last 5 months. I'm so thankful for the cross. Thanks for reading! I always wonder if anyone reads this thing besides my family. Thank you for your prayers, so prayers are wasted or unanswered, so thank you. God bless.
okay, so I didn't proofread (like ever). 'so' should be 'no' I'm an idiot.
LOL, no your not an idiot! : ) I don't proofread b/c usually my mind is going a million miles/hour and my mouth or fingers can't keep up. Anyways, I'm so happy that you've found healing in the last few months, God is so good! I pray you become fully restored someday! Once again, God bless, thanks for the response!
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