Tonight it was a bit warmer here, which means it was above freezing. So I took a walk intending to have some phone time with some friends, but as luck would have it (which isn't luck at all) it all went to voicemail. So I took off the earbuds and looked up and saw a most beautiful sky filled with low-flying brown clouds interspersed between a perfectly clear starry sky. It was amazing. Snow everywhere. Beautiful lights. It was a real scene. It was a scene I won't get when I go back to Texas so I wanted to soak it in.
The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.
Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.
I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.
It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.
Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Spirit > pathetic-ness
It's weird how pathetic I am. I should give the caveat that we are all pathetic, and because of my selfishness, I'd like to think that my pathetic-ness beats yours. But I know this isn't true, that we are all flawed and saved only through grace. My whole body permeates with sin. Every cell of my being is immersed in it. Even down to the core of my being, my heart–full to brim with wickedness. I've been dwelling lately on how painful the effects of sin are, how deep this goes, how much pain we can inflict and take. Dwelling here is sobering.
I think there's a problem with not knowing about sin, and about how seriously the Bible takes it. Most of the book has to do with it, how disgusting, perverse, and wicked it is. Yet, most Christians don't ever really dwell there, they just know it's something that God has saved them from. They see it mostly as an external thing. Jesus would contradict this many times, foregoing the outward affect and going straight for the heart. When I have a bad moment, lose my cool, or do wicked things, it didn't happen because of an external circumstance, it only shows a reflection of something already wrong in my heart. The problem was already there inside of me the whole time.
It may sound harsh to say that every cell of my body is imbued with sin, and I think the old humanist side of me would debate it, but the Bible says otherwise and deep down I just plain know I'm rotten. That time and means reveals my true wickedness (most outward sin occurs when I'm bored or when I have money). This is the cause of this blog post tonight, that I'm just sitting around letting my mind wander, trying to capture thoughts but being unsuccessful. I'm not really tired, I'm not really entertained, I'm not really wanting to read my bible (I did some tonight and had some good prayer time), but after all that's done I have time to sit and meddle. To stew in my own mind and thus go places I should not be going. It's pathetic.
I'm not going to say that "it's all okay", or that I'm being too hard on myself, or blow it off, this is the type of thinking that leads to cheap grace and shallow faith. It's the kind of faith that blows off these heavy moments as a passing momentary weakness instead seeing it as a little peek into my thought-life. I'm not shying away from it (that's why I'm writing) but I'm also not letting the evil one get a foothold with it either.
Because I know the truth. That even though every bit of my being is broken, fractured, and selfish, that the good part of me isn't of me at all, it's a gift from God, his own Spirit. It's that God actually puts the only good thing we have in us. He literally injects us with his goodness. I have that in me. He is in me. My flesh is weak but his Spirit is strong. I don't need to have faith in myself, to make the 'right' decisions, to not be pathetic, to earn my salvation, but instead understand that he already did everything for me, that he chose to love me, and that he lives inside me–I am his temple.
So while I am pathetic and nights like tonight reflect my flesh to me, I know that this is just a reflection of a part of me that will die. That I can lay my head on the pillow knowing he is here, never forsaking me, always teaching me, and forever loving me.
At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there
And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives
All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there
After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs
Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
-david crowder
I think there's a problem with not knowing about sin, and about how seriously the Bible takes it. Most of the book has to do with it, how disgusting, perverse, and wicked it is. Yet, most Christians don't ever really dwell there, they just know it's something that God has saved them from. They see it mostly as an external thing. Jesus would contradict this many times, foregoing the outward affect and going straight for the heart. When I have a bad moment, lose my cool, or do wicked things, it didn't happen because of an external circumstance, it only shows a reflection of something already wrong in my heart. The problem was already there inside of me the whole time.
It may sound harsh to say that every cell of my body is imbued with sin, and I think the old humanist side of me would debate it, but the Bible says otherwise and deep down I just plain know I'm rotten. That time and means reveals my true wickedness (most outward sin occurs when I'm bored or when I have money). This is the cause of this blog post tonight, that I'm just sitting around letting my mind wander, trying to capture thoughts but being unsuccessful. I'm not really tired, I'm not really entertained, I'm not really wanting to read my bible (I did some tonight and had some good prayer time), but after all that's done I have time to sit and meddle. To stew in my own mind and thus go places I should not be going. It's pathetic.
I'm not going to say that "it's all okay", or that I'm being too hard on myself, or blow it off, this is the type of thinking that leads to cheap grace and shallow faith. It's the kind of faith that blows off these heavy moments as a passing momentary weakness instead seeing it as a little peek into my thought-life. I'm not shying away from it (that's why I'm writing) but I'm also not letting the evil one get a foothold with it either.
Because I know the truth. That even though every bit of my being is broken, fractured, and selfish, that the good part of me isn't of me at all, it's a gift from God, his own Spirit. It's that God actually puts the only good thing we have in us. He literally injects us with his goodness. I have that in me. He is in me. My flesh is weak but his Spirit is strong. I don't need to have faith in myself, to make the 'right' decisions, to not be pathetic, to earn my salvation, but instead understand that he already did everything for me, that he chose to love me, and that he lives inside me–I am his temple.
So while I am pathetic and nights like tonight reflect my flesh to me, I know that this is just a reflection of a part of me that will die. That I can lay my head on the pillow knowing he is here, never forsaking me, always teaching me, and forever loving me.
At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there
And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives
All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there
After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs
Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all
-david crowder
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Amazing Grace
This seems appropriate after my last post (which is below as it's reverse chronological).
O thou giving God,
My heart is drawn out in thankfulness to thee,
for thy amazing grace and condescension to me
in influences and assistances in thy Spirit,
for special help in prayer,
for the sweetness of Christian service,
for the thoughts of arriving in heaven,
for always sending me needful supplies,
for raising me to new life when I am like one dead.
I want not the favour of man to lean upon
for thy favour is infinitely better.
Thou art eternal wisdom in dispensations towards me;
and it matters not when, nor where, nor how I serve thee,
nor what trials I am exercised with,
if I might be prepared for thy work and will.
No poor creature stands in need of divine grace
more than I do,
And yet non abuses it more than I have done,
and still do.
How heartless and dull I am!
Humble me in the dust for not loving thee more.
Every time I exercise any grace renewedly
I am renewedly indebted to thee,
the God of all grace, for special assistance.
I cannot boast when I think how dependant
I am upon thee for the being and every act
of grace;
I never do anything else but depart from thee,
and if ever I get to heaven it will be because
thou willest it, and for no other reason beside.
I love, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature,
to cast myself on thy infinite grace and goodness,
hoping for no happiness but from thee;
Give me special grace to fit me for special services,
and keep me calm and resigned at all times,
humble, solemn, mortified,
and conformed to thy will.
O thou giving God,
My heart is drawn out in thankfulness to thee,
for thy amazing grace and condescension to me
in influences and assistances in thy Spirit,
for special help in prayer,
for the sweetness of Christian service,
for the thoughts of arriving in heaven,
for always sending me needful supplies,
for raising me to new life when I am like one dead.
I want not the favour of man to lean upon
for thy favour is infinitely better.
Thou art eternal wisdom in dispensations towards me;
and it matters not when, nor where, nor how I serve thee,
nor what trials I am exercised with,
if I might be prepared for thy work and will.
No poor creature stands in need of divine grace
more than I do,
And yet non abuses it more than I have done,
and still do.
How heartless and dull I am!
Humble me in the dust for not loving thee more.
Every time I exercise any grace renewedly
I am renewedly indebted to thee,
the God of all grace, for special assistance.
I cannot boast when I think how dependant
I am upon thee for the being and every act
of grace;
I never do anything else but depart from thee,
and if ever I get to heaven it will be because
thou willest it, and for no other reason beside.
I love, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature,
to cast myself on thy infinite grace and goodness,
hoping for no happiness but from thee;
Give me special grace to fit me for special services,
and keep me calm and resigned at all times,
humble, solemn, mortified,
and conformed to thy will.
travelling thoughts
This is yet another post about time. How it doesn't seem to change, but how our perception of it does. Maybe it won't be so heavy as that. I just had a thought as I travelled to Indiana to spend christmas with my family, to have a white christmas. I'll get to that in a bit, but I want to share that I'm done with my semester. I wish I could say I was halfway done with coursework, but I can't. I'm afraid that I have a lot left, probably at least two years and a semester for quals.
It's weird that this program is so much longer than my masters but seems to be going much faster. At this point in my masters it felt like I had been in school for years and it was only three semesters with one to go. Here I'm three in and have like four or five to go and it doesn't bother me. Actually I look forward to learning more over the next few years.
So, during my travels to Indiana I had a layover in Detroit, at DTW actually in the McNamera terminal. This is by far my favorite terminal. It has a lot of personal meaning to me. The first time I flew on my own was when I flew to Ohio to visit BG for my masters (my family weren't flyers so I started late). I remember all the anticipation, life change, excitement, and most of all a time of waiting on the Lord. I was waiting to see if he'd permit me to go to BG for grad school. I returned from that trip not knowing what he was going to do. I just prayed and waited. Then I got the call that they were going to offer me an assistantship which opened that door wide open.
Then in BG, Detroit was my go to airport. After every semester I flew home and it was DTW that started the trip. I remember specifically after my first semester the relief of just finishing the semester as it was a hard semester, actually the hardest, and I did laundry until midnight staying up until Jason arrives to go to the airport at 3:30 to fly out at 6.
I took a walk out to the end of concourse B and prayed. I thanked the Lord for how he's been faithful to me in my life. That all the hard times I went through and went to that airport to escape them. I prayed over that place. I felt peace. I haven't been there in years and it felt like it. It felt like almost another life. Another me.
I'm so thankful for how God has changed my heart over the last year and a half. He brought me to the end of myself. I was ready to call it quits. When I moved to Texas I was done with God, I felt stone-cold dead. That what happens when you run from him for a long time. He let me.
Romans 1:21-25
For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.
But that’s not the end of the story. He reclaimed me. I’m not saying that God ever really left me, but that he gave me over to myself. It wasn’t until I confessed and repented that he made himself known to me again. I never want to be in that place again. With only his grace could I ever not. He firmly is my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 62 is in my heart right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My fortress; I shall not greatly be shaken.
When I’m not outrightly sinning or running from God and putting my trust in him it’s so much easier to see what he’s up to. Life begins to look different. There aren’t as many problems (that I attempt to control) but are more trials (which God glorifies himself in). I think of Matt Chandler and how faithful God has been through him to glorify himself through Matt’s affliction. How Matt knows that and lets that wash over him, give him strength and hope, and is allowed to be a conduit of grace and power. When I see a trial I can see a bit into what God’s showing me. Not that I’m not a flawed human who still desires to please myself, but that I can see trials in a different light.
Right now, God is calling me into a time of patience. I love/hate it. I love it in that God is shaping me, he loves me, he wants me to be more like him and this is what he’s showing me now. This is the privilege he’s bestowed on me right now, to be patient in him. I hate it because I want things now, this second, I don’t want to wait. But he’s calling me to wait, so I try to. I’m not perfect at it, but he gives grace whether I fail or succeed. He knows me, he knows how I’ll react. So no matter what I want, I’m clinging to Psalm 62. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence.
It's weird that this program is so much longer than my masters but seems to be going much faster. At this point in my masters it felt like I had been in school for years and it was only three semesters with one to go. Here I'm three in and have like four or five to go and it doesn't bother me. Actually I look forward to learning more over the next few years.
So, during my travels to Indiana I had a layover in Detroit, at DTW actually in the McNamera terminal. This is by far my favorite terminal. It has a lot of personal meaning to me. The first time I flew on my own was when I flew to Ohio to visit BG for my masters (my family weren't flyers so I started late). I remember all the anticipation, life change, excitement, and most of all a time of waiting on the Lord. I was waiting to see if he'd permit me to go to BG for grad school. I returned from that trip not knowing what he was going to do. I just prayed and waited. Then I got the call that they were going to offer me an assistantship which opened that door wide open.
Then in BG, Detroit was my go to airport. After every semester I flew home and it was DTW that started the trip. I remember specifically after my first semester the relief of just finishing the semester as it was a hard semester, actually the hardest, and I did laundry until midnight staying up until Jason arrives to go to the airport at 3:30 to fly out at 6.
I took a walk out to the end of concourse B and prayed. I thanked the Lord for how he's been faithful to me in my life. That all the hard times I went through and went to that airport to escape them. I prayed over that place. I felt peace. I haven't been there in years and it felt like it. It felt like almost another life. Another me.
I'm so thankful for how God has changed my heart over the last year and a half. He brought me to the end of myself. I was ready to call it quits. When I moved to Texas I was done with God, I felt stone-cold dead. That what happens when you run from him for a long time. He let me.
Romans 1:21-25
For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.
But that’s not the end of the story. He reclaimed me. I’m not saying that God ever really left me, but that he gave me over to myself. It wasn’t until I confessed and repented that he made himself known to me again. I never want to be in that place again. With only his grace could I ever not. He firmly is my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 62 is in my heart right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
From him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My fortress; I shall not greatly be shaken.
When I’m not outrightly sinning or running from God and putting my trust in him it’s so much easier to see what he’s up to. Life begins to look different. There aren’t as many problems (that I attempt to control) but are more trials (which God glorifies himself in). I think of Matt Chandler and how faithful God has been through him to glorify himself through Matt’s affliction. How Matt knows that and lets that wash over him, give him strength and hope, and is allowed to be a conduit of grace and power. When I see a trial I can see a bit into what God’s showing me. Not that I’m not a flawed human who still desires to please myself, but that I can see trials in a different light.
Right now, God is calling me into a time of patience. I love/hate it. I love it in that God is shaping me, he loves me, he wants me to be more like him and this is what he’s showing me now. This is the privilege he’s bestowed on me right now, to be patient in him. I hate it because I want things now, this second, I don’t want to wait. But he’s calling me to wait, so I try to. I’m not perfect at it, but he gives grace whether I fail or succeed. He knows me, he knows how I’ll react. So no matter what I want, I’m clinging to Psalm 62. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence.
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