It's amazing how God breaks us, our confidence, our pride. What's even more interesting is how he breaks our insecurities too. As you may or may not know, I don't have the best self-confidence, I never have really. I know I have fear of man issues as one of the symptoms of fear of man is insecurity and the feeling that there's this secret person that if anyone knew would reject. My security lies within the Lord, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing a bad job.
Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.
But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Purification
O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that
all things are shadows, but thou are substance,
all things are quicksands, but thou art mountain,
all thing are shifting, but thou are anchor,
all things are ignorance, but thou are wisdom.
If my life is to be a crucible amid the burning heat,
so be it,
but do thou sit at the furnace mouth
to watch the ore that nothing be lost.
If I sin wilfully, grievously, tormentedly,
in grace take away my mourning
and give me music;
remove my sackcloth
and clothe me in beauty;
still my sighs
and fill my mouth with song,
then give me summer weather as a Christian.
all things are shadows, but thou are substance,
all things are quicksands, but thou art mountain,
all thing are shifting, but thou are anchor,
all things are ignorance, but thou are wisdom.
If my life is to be a crucible amid the burning heat,
so be it,
but do thou sit at the furnace mouth
to watch the ore that nothing be lost.
If I sin wilfully, grievously, tormentedly,
in grace take away my mourning
and give me music;
remove my sackcloth
and clothe me in beauty;
still my sighs
and fill my mouth with song,
then give me summer weather as a Christian.
Monday, October 18, 2010
CFAMC
Yesterday I returned from Marion, IN from the Christian Fellowship of Art Music Composers (CFAMC) conference. It was a long trip that sat right in the middle of finishing an analysis paper and finishing the piece to be performed on the concert for the festival! So it's been a stressful time the last few weeks. Last year felt like a cakewalk compared to this semester. I'm trying to be effective with my time, but it just slips away from me.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Divine Promises
All thy promises in Christ Jesus are
yea and amen, and all shall be fulfilled.
Thou hast spoken them, and they shall be done,
commanded, and they shall come to pass.
Yet I have often doubted thee,
have lived at times as if there were no God.
Lord, forgive me that death in life,
when I have found something apart from thee,
when I have been content with ephemeral things.
But through grace I have repented;
Thou hast given me to read my pardon
in the wounds of Jesus,
and my soul doth trust in him, my God incarnate,
the ground of my life, the spring of my hope.
Teach me to be resigned to thy will,
to delight in thy law,
to have no will but thine,
to believe that everything thou doest is
for my good.
Help me to leave my concerns in thy hands,
for thou hast power over evil,
and bringest from it an infinite progression
of good,
until thy purposes are fulfilled.
Bless me with Abraham's faith
that staggers not at promises through unbelief.
May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
but glorify thee in my trials;
Grant me a distinct advance in the divine life;
may I reach a higher platform,
leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley,
and climb to hill-tops of eternal security in Christ
by simply believing he cannot lie,
or turn from his purpose.
Give me the confidence I ought to have in him
who is worthy to be praised,
and who is evermore.
yea and amen, and all shall be fulfilled.
Thou hast spoken them, and they shall be done,
commanded, and they shall come to pass.
Yet I have often doubted thee,
have lived at times as if there were no God.
Lord, forgive me that death in life,
when I have found something apart from thee,
when I have been content with ephemeral things.
But through grace I have repented;
Thou hast given me to read my pardon
in the wounds of Jesus,
and my soul doth trust in him, my God incarnate,
the ground of my life, the spring of my hope.
Teach me to be resigned to thy will,
to delight in thy law,
to have no will but thine,
to believe that everything thou doest is
for my good.
Help me to leave my concerns in thy hands,
for thou hast power over evil,
and bringest from it an infinite progression
of good,
until thy purposes are fulfilled.
Bless me with Abraham's faith
that staggers not at promises through unbelief.
May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
but glorify thee in my trials;
Grant me a distinct advance in the divine life;
may I reach a higher platform,
leave the mists of doubt and fear in the valley,
and climb to hill-tops of eternal security in Christ
by simply believing he cannot lie,
or turn from his purpose.
Give me the confidence I ought to have in him
who is worthy to be praised,
and who is evermore.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Confession and Petition
Holy Lord,
I have sinned times without number,
and been guilty of pride and unbelief,
of failure to find thy mind in thy Word,
of neglect to seek thee in my daily life.
My transgressions and short-comings
present me with a list of accusations,
But I bless thee that they will not stand against me,
for all have been laid on Christ;
Go on to subdue my corruptions,
and grant me grace to live above them.
Let not he passions of the flesh not lustings
of the mind bring my spirit into subjection,
but do thou rule over me in liberty and power.
I thank thee that many of my prayers have been refused –
I have asked amiss and do not have,
I have prayed from lusts and been rejected,
I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness.
Go on with thy patient work,
answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers,
and fitting me to accept it.
Purge me from every false desire,
every base aspiration,
everything contrary to thy rule.
I thank thee for thy wisdom and thy love,
for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject,
for sometimes putting me into the furnace
to refine my gold and remove my dross.
No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin.
If tho shouldst give me choice to live
in pleasure and keep my sins,
or to have them burnt away with trial,
give me sanctified affliction.
Deliver me from every evil habit,
every accretion of former sins,
everything that dims the brightness of thy grace in me,
everything that prevents me taking delight in thee.
Then I shall bless thee, God of Jeshurun,
for helping me to be upright.
I have sinned times without number,
and been guilty of pride and unbelief,
of failure to find thy mind in thy Word,
of neglect to seek thee in my daily life.
My transgressions and short-comings
present me with a list of accusations,
But I bless thee that they will not stand against me,
for all have been laid on Christ;
Go on to subdue my corruptions,
and grant me grace to live above them.
Let not he passions of the flesh not lustings
of the mind bring my spirit into subjection,
but do thou rule over me in liberty and power.
I thank thee that many of my prayers have been refused –
I have asked amiss and do not have,
I have prayed from lusts and been rejected,
I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness.
Go on with thy patient work,
answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers,
and fitting me to accept it.
Purge me from every false desire,
every base aspiration,
everything contrary to thy rule.
I thank thee for thy wisdom and thy love,
for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject,
for sometimes putting me into the furnace
to refine my gold and remove my dross.
No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin.
If tho shouldst give me choice to live
in pleasure and keep my sins,
or to have them burnt away with trial,
give me sanctified affliction.
Deliver me from every evil habit,
every accretion of former sins,
everything that dims the brightness of thy grace in me,
everything that prevents me taking delight in thee.
Then I shall bless thee, God of Jeshurun,
for helping me to be upright.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Jeremiah 17: 5-8
5Thus says the LORD:"Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
6He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.8 He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
6He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.8 He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
These verses have been in the front of my mind for the last 6 months. I am in transition from the first guy to the second. Although, transition assumes too much, like a distance, I was totally the first guy, etc... The truth is that I'm somewhere in the middle and have been for a very long time. My trust in the Lord was there but (like the depth of my faith) was shallow for a long time. I'm thankful for the Village, recovery, and my community for helping me to give up spiritual milk for meat and potatoes. It's been a hard transition (again a flawed term) but I feel so much more deep in the Lord. I truly seek to obey Him and desire to please Him. Not that I do it perfectly, or fail literally every day, but to dig into Him all the more every day.
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