Friday, April 23, 2010

two opposing things

I feel completely deflated.  That's really the best word to describe where I am.  I feel like a lame duck.  Like a president on his last month after two terms.  I didn't want to get out of bed (again) this morning.  It was all I could do to get out of the apartment in time for our departmental at 11.  Why can't I be rejoicing in how God's changing me?  I'm not.  I've been pretty much a DB my whole life.  Although now I'm really starting to understand why, it's not encouraging to hear that I was (is).  Maybe that's the source of my problem...that I always have thought of myself as being a good person, but the reality is that I'm not.  I've literally been deluding myself all these years.  Even more so since I've accepted Christ.  I've done heinous things all while proclaiming to be a believer.  What hypocrisy!

It's weird.  Dealing with all of this.  I'm feeling the sin with no hope.  With no silver lining.  Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it.  But right now it's completely gone.  I hate this, I really do.  I've never felt so weak and pathetic.  I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month).  At this point I really feel like giving up.  Just sitting in my room and not coming out.  I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.

On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight.  She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers.  She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in.  We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end.  My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.

Monday, April 19, 2010

wreckage

So this weekend I was in a real car accident.  One of those 'slam of the breaks but can't stop because of slippery roads I misjudged the speed' types of things.  I rear ended the car in front of me, going I think between 40-45 mph.  He was at a standstill in the middle lane.  BOOM!  Everyone was okay (thank the Lord).  I got a ticket, lost my car, and had to make my first claim on my car insurance.  It was a big day.

Here are the pics of my Honda R.I.P.
















looks like I'll be taking the scooter from now on....

oh monday how I loathe you...

I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning.  Maybe it was a realization that I was in a car accident this weekend, or the gloomy weather, or the upcoming end of semester push, but it was something.  I just didn't want to get out of bed.  Not because I was tired so much.  Mostly because I didn't want the day to start.  It's one of those weird lies we all believe, 'if I don't get up the day won't start'.  Unfortunately no matter when we get up the day does start.


There was a point after I checked my email that I had a decision to make.  My routine is usually getting up, checking email, then reading, showering, school......etc.  I didn't want to read this morning.  I didn't want to pray.  I wanted to be miserable.  I wanted to feel hopeless.  My body ached still from the crash.  A million things were rushing through my head.  It was all a little too overwhelming.


So the choice...Do I try and do it on my own, or do I take it to God.  The answer seems obvious.  But in those moments we don't want to take it to God.  We want to wallow in it.  I certainly do. 


So I got out my bible and read the first six chapters of Romans.  What a grand reminder!  I've been living in Romans this semester and it never fails to hear what screw ups we are.  It was just God convicting me.  And convicting me.  And convicting me.  


Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 
                                -Romans 2: 1-4 (emphasis mine)


The whole point of grace is to lead up to repent.  Oh how I've thought differently all these years.  I thought it was there so I could mess up without going to hell.  While that is technically true, that there is nothing I can do to lose my salvation, the point of God's grace is to lead us toward being more like Christ.  This can only happen if we have repentant hearts.  Constantly repenting of our sins so God can really start to change us, to shape us.  I am just at the beginning of this journey and I still have a lot to learn about it.  It's hard, and I'm not really happy that I'm here.  But I am joyful that Jesus loves us (me) enough to put me through whatever it is I need to go through to only grasp on to Him.  Only to Him.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Real-time improv

This whole year I've been meeting with 3 other composers every week to improvise.  At first it was just something fun we did (at least that's what it was for me).  But through the year we've sort of improved a lot and starting to really think this could be a real musical opportunity.  Last month we had our first performance performing "the well and the gentle" by Pauline Oliveros.  It was a total blast!  We were a bit nervous, but the performance was actually our best run through of it to date and I think that's a good sign for an ensemble.  We're looking for a name which is difficult but we're on the path!

We're added a 5th member, Paul Thomas on accordion which is a great addition to my electric guitar, L. Scott Price on electric guitar, Sarah Summar on violin, and Ben Johansen on alto sax.  


Original Quartet with Pauline Oliveros:
L to R: Sarah Summar, Ben Johansen, Patrick Peringer, Scott Price


Rehearsal at Sarah's (please don't knock the shaved head)
photo: David Summar


Another rehearsal pic
photo: David Summar


Improv with dancers in MEIT
Photo: Michelle Hurt
Visuals: Ben Johaneson


Another angle



Sarah and Scott


Scott



Paul



Ben



Patrick



One more of me....

Kids love

I was walking with Lee a bit last night (after I ate Chicken Express [gross] way too late and was feeling bad) and I was telling him about my nephews and niece.  Of course I don't have my own kids yet (God-willing) but my sister does, I love hers very much.  I've loved those kids ever since the hearing of my sisters first pregnancy (I found out thanksgiving, 2002).

I was telling Lee about my thoughts about kids, about how they love us.  I'm pretty tight with Sibley, my 5 year old niece.  We're pals.  Whenever I visit it's full of hugs and laughs and kisses and all other sorts of girly stuff (anything pink or princess-ey).  I get the honor of holding her little body that's so full of life and energy and love.  I was thinking about how when she says she loves me that what she really means is that she trusts me.  She can't really comprehend this yet, but her soul thinks 'I can trust this guy' so I love him.  I think that's why it's so much easier for children to say they love than adults.  It's really a trust thing.  They don't really know what love entails (for that matter neither do I, as I'm not married or have my own kids), about the sacrifice of my sister staying awake all night, about the sacrifice of my brother in law having jobs and providing, about the time and care it takes to be a parent.  Sibley just knows that Brandi and Rob loves her and are always there for her.

It's a really beautiful thing.

Nothing makes me smile in the same way as when that little girl gives me a hug and a smile.

The larger point to be made is that love is trust.  We can't love something that we don't really trust.  It also might not even be trust, but the hope of trust.  After a fracture in a marriage, the couple puts the pieces back together in hopes of being able to trust each other again.  To get to that point when they are comfortable with each other again.

We have to trust God to love Him.  This is a hard reality to trust (I'm so pun-ny!).  It's hard to live that out.  It's hard to trust that God is sovereign.  We want the control but the truth is we don't have any, at least any REAL control.  Sure I can dictate where I'm not going to go to work today, or take a shower, but I can't make myself grow any taller, I can't control any one else, I can't control the weather.  When I think about it, all I can really do is control what I'm doing at this very second.

God is in control.  As trite and cliché as that sounds and its.  It's a reality.  The problem is that it's not really a reality that we all can or want to accept.  I really want to accept that and I know that God is changing my heart to realize that.  I'm still too caught up in my past and my failures and hurts to see that He has my future.  I know He does, but I'm not living that out.  I'm still stressing about the same old things instead of crucifying them with Christ.  This post is truly to me as well as everyone else.  I am reminding myself that God has it all.  I don't have it.  I trust that He does.


is she not the cutest?


So back to my niece.  I love her to pieces.  She trusts me because I'm uncle Pat and when I'm around I play with her and make funny faces and show her love and protect her.  How much better is it when we feel the same about God?  We are loved, we are protected (not from perceived 'bad things' but from eternal separation), God does make funny faces at us, He does play with us.  I really LOVE Jesus and I'm so happy that He's chosen me for this battle.  I'm honored that He loves me and wants change me to be like Him.  I'm thankful.

we make crazy faces!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

IDOL

I'm just sitting here at Zera's coffee shop, my new favorite place to go listening to some music.  Greg Jenkins sent me an email to show me this video of this band performing a song that reminded him of when we played together.  It's weird thinking about that time in my life.  That time in Ohio when I was so on fire for Jesus, didn't feel completely broken, and was worshipping God with my guitar.  I truly miss those times.  But Jesus in His perfect grace has placed me here, in Texas.  I love this place.  I love my church, The Village.  I just hate where I am.  God is trying to teach me a lesson I do not want to learn.  It's a lesson I've been avoiding for many years.

I can't even place what exactly the lesson, just that I know He's molding me in a real way.  A time of me feeling broken, stupid, cliche, and at times hopeless.  If I had to take a guess (which is a dangerous game to play) at what God's up to I'd say he's breaking my idolatry and my pride.  The idolatry of my heart.  Pushing me to my limits and beyond to get my attention that He's my only provision and the ONLY thing I can take pride in.  I can take pride in this God that loves me so much that He willingly chose to FEEL my existence, my pain, my fears, and even live those fears out through His death.  Because of His death I am alive.  Only because of Him choosing me am I spared the rod and given the feast.

He's slowly, tenderly breaking me.  It's hard.  It's not fun.  I want to be on the other side of it.  But He won't let me until it sinks in.  Until I fully seek Him with all my being, not taking pride in anything else.  Not going anywhere else for validation, for solace, for love, for companionship, for pleasure.  He wants Him to be all those things and more.  More.  MORE!  There is so much more out there.  More of Him, less of me.  This is my design.  My perfect design is to be as close to God as I can.  We all were designed for that purpose.  Imagine a time when you could walk through the garden and just hang out with God.  Naked.  Free.  Loved.

God knew what He was doing when He blew life into us.  We just wanted to be greater than Him.  We wanted more knowledge than Him.  We wanted to control ourselves more than Him.  We wanted to be Him to ourselves.

Sam Matteson has been mentoring me of sorts this semester.  He's a great guy.  He's a physics teacher at UNT, leader of my home group, and a bright person.   We meet once a week to talk.  To talk about anything.  Today was about sin, SciFi, the doppler effect, the human voice, and Lord of the Rings.  I love these conversations.  He was reflecting to me last week about a moment he had when he was at his newly purchased home in Colorado he anticipates growing old in after he retires (partially he's be here and there which is good for me!).  It overlooks some mountains (which in Colorado are real mountains) from his living room.  He said that his windows were dirty so he went out and started to clean the outside.  He had this moment with God about his science that can be related to any of our labors in life (mine being music).  He cleaned a little spot in the middle, so that most of the window is still dirty, but there is a spot of clarity which one can see through.  It was this spot that when looked through pointed to the mountain range.  You see that's what we do, either through science or the arts, we show a glimpse on how God does things.  How me made this existence.  He made the mountains, Sam didn't as well as I, He made them beautiful.  We just clean a little spot to see Him.  We don't clean all of it, just a spot at a time.  When I write a piece I clean a spot.  People can see a part of God that maybe they didn't see before.

When I think about stuff like that, I smile.  This is the good stuff in life.  The moments when God is there, when it makes sense, when it feels right.  I love those moments.  Unfortunately, this isn't real life.  We fail.  We hurt.  We're scared.  The truth that permeates all of this is that God is there.  He's there for all who call on His name.  Call on His name everyday.  He will never fail you.  He will never fail me.  I may fail me, other may fail me, but Jesus cannot fail.  It all works out to glorify Him.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to have God take me.  I'm praying for the hard road.  The hard road that too many Christians do not want to walk.  The one that says 'pick up your cross', this doesn't mean a burden we struggle with (like gambling, or lying) but a call to all to call the name Jesus to become a disciple.  To walk the long, hard road with a smile and trust that God has it.  He does.  Walk the hard road.