seven swans

This post isn't about seven swans.  Although I've been listening to it for the last hour on repeat, actually not repeat I just re-click it when it's over (which is more work for me).  That being aside, tonight I feel deep, so I'm going to write it out like I always do.  It's interesting that this blog turns out to be many posts when I feel heavy, maybe one would get the sense that I'm kind of a sad person or whatnot, but I don't think that's the case, I just write things out when I feel this way.

First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month.  I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February.  I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow.  Thank you Lord.  I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.

Maybe tonight is remanence of that....

Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present.  Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons.  One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance.  That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think.  Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled.  It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say.  It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words.  I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory.  No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace.  It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile.  It's beautiful.

So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture.  I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day.  It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it.  So here's a bit now.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.


There it is, that's where I'm at.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God.  That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him.  He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.

So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....

two opposing things

I feel completely deflated.  That's really the best word to describe where I am.  I feel like a lame duck.  Like a president on his last month after two terms.  I didn't want to get out of bed (again) this morning.  It was all I could do to get out of the apartment in time for our departmental at 11.  Why can't I be rejoicing in how God's changing me?  I'm not.  I've been pretty much a DB my whole life.  Although now I'm really starting to understand why, it's not encouraging to hear that I was (is).  Maybe that's the source of my problem...that I always have thought of myself as being a good person, but the reality is that I'm not.  I've literally been deluding myself all these years.  Even more so since I've accepted Christ.  I've done heinous things all while proclaiming to be a believer.  What hypocrisy!

It's weird.  Dealing with all of this.  I'm feeling the sin with no hope.  With no silver lining.  Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it.  But right now it's completely gone.  I hate this, I really do.  I've never felt so weak and pathetic.  I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month).  At this point I really feel like giving up.  Just sitting in my room and not coming out.  I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.

On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight.  She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers.  She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in.  We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end.  My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.

wreckage

So this weekend I was in a real car accident.  One of those 'slam of the breaks but can't stop because of slippery roads I misjudged the speed' types of things.  I rear ended the car in front of me, going I think between 40-45 mph.  He was at a standstill in the middle lane.  BOOM!  Everyone was okay (thank the Lord).  I got a ticket, lost my car, and had to make my first claim on my car insurance.  It was a big day.

Here are the pics of my Honda R.I.P.

looks like I'll be taking the scooter from now on....

life is crazy

This semester is kind of kicking my A.  I'm taking four classes which is one more than I took last semester and these classes require much more time than the last ones.  Physical Modeling is a two parter: 1) learn interesting digital audio process through math and diagrams 2) Implement in C Sound (or MAX).  The MAX stuff I kind of get, but C Sound is brand new to me and it's ripping me a new one.

Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900.  This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester.  We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro.  We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis.  This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1.  I woke up in a panic and started to get to work.  My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time).  Now I am a fast test taker.  I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it.  This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class.  So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking.  I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it.  But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.

My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular.  I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May.  This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet.  I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.

It's going to be a push to get to spring break.  Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers.  One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people.  The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it).  It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin.  We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least!  This is all coming up in the next few weeks.  Crazy time.

God let me make it to spring break.

The Magician, and my diet stinks

So this week was the most stressful of this semester, which isn't saying much because in the grad scheme it really wasn't that big of a deal or test.  We had a concert Monday, (see previous post) which went well but was time consuming.  Then on Thursday I had a presentation on Serialism, with a parter, for 80 minutes.  I took the first 40 with cramming the history of the 2nd Viennese School through Boulez.  In 40 minutes I went about 30 years.  My partner Gabi (a flautist from Brazil) took Babbitt and played some excerpts from him and spoke more.  It went well I think.  It really wasn't that 'hard', but it was my first kind of test here and I didn't want to look bad or flunk it, so in that respect it was a big deal.  It was good.  I also met with a string quartet for them to read through what I have so far in my piece.  It went well but was some work to get it all ready for them.  I've since them re-notated what I've got which is about 2 minutes of music.  I'm meeting with them on Tuesday for another half hour which will be a really good time for me.  On top of all that I went to two improv session (wed. night with some other DMA composers, thurs. at the dance dept. at TWU [Texas Women's University]).  It was fun, then after I went to Scott's (a fellow DMA composer, who also went to BGSU a year ahead of me, so I know him) with Ben (another DMA composer) and had a beer with some really really cheap pizza.  I woke up friday literally thinking it was Saturday.

I'm reading this book "The Magicians" which my friend Megan sent me.  I'm through the first half and I really like most all of it, except some out of context language that I think is not becoming.  I am excited to dive into the second half  Megan has this idea that when she finished a book to send it to another person my mail.  I like this idea, like a book share program.  Rather than reading and putting on shelf till you move and decide to throw it out, give it some use to someone else.  This could be a good idea!

I think my poor diet is catching up with me.  My stomach is upset most all the time and I think my body is literally rejecting much of the food on a regular basis.  I need to eat better!  Someone help me!!!  I don't know how to cook or really take care of myself in the food realm.  Help me!!!!

Are We Robots?

When you walk across college campus you might think that college students are robots. Almost every person walks around with a nice white set of ear buds placed directly in their ears. I'm trying to convince myself that they are in fact not robots and the those cords aren't controlling their brains, but from my knowledge of music I think that music does control the brain.

The most unfortunate aspect of this is that we humans are tuning out the life around us. There is a whole soundscape to our lives that happen naturally. The world we live in is vibrant with sound and interesting ones at that! It's too bad that everyone is too busy listening to the latest over-compressed piece of garbage on the radio.

I heard one of my favorite "natural" sound walking to school today. It's the sound of beeping from a construction vehicle. I love that tone, especially if it's a bit far off, it makes it sound almost ethereal, especially if there are two like there was today. Two different (or the same) pitches that beep in and out of phase because they are almost the same tempo, but just slightly different. It's like my own Different Trains but with real sounds. I love it.

I tried to load a sound clip but I had some problems. I'll figure it out later

Easter

This Easter has proven to be an unusual one. I did laundry. That's pretty much it. All day. Granted I'm getting over an unusually strong sore throat that hit like a ton of bricks on Friday. But still I did nothing, except one good deed. I gave away my piano.

At home (oakesdale, WA [google map it to see how small it is]) I got a small piano for my graduation gift from my parents. We didn't haul it out here when I moved so it's sat in my parents house all these years. They sold the house and now I'm trying to sell it. The people that sold it to me, the Browns, were my second family growing up. Their son, Josh was my best friend all through high school. Larry and Cheryl have been to almost every event in my life up till college. They sold my folks the piano when I graduated college.

They were interested in buying it back for their oldest daughter Jodi. She's interested in learning how to play again. The asking price I set was too high and they declined to buy it, so I gave it to them tonight. I just thought that it could be a good thing for them. I'm a teacher at heart and a teacher does what is right for people who want to learn. I hope it will be a good sing for things to come for Jodi, she's going in for heart surgery this week, hopefully after this all her problems will be done. Maybe music could be in the path of her recovery. It's amazing when God places you in the path of someone you can bless.

It's been a while....

So I've been really bad about blogging the last few months. Not that anyone reads this but hey, I know at least two people that do, so I might as well let some thoughts out about whatever I feel like I guess.

This semester is going well thus far. I've had a total schedule change from last semester, but it's working out much better than I anticipated. I teach at Owens on Monday and Wednesday (instead of just Friday's) which is much better because the guitar ensemble meets two days as week instead of one which slows down progress a lot. I am teaching a new class at BGSU, Music Tech II (which was my favorite class in grad school) which is the second of four electronic music courses. I am teaching audio processing and acousmatic music. It's a lot of fun, but it's a lot more prep than my other classes. I teach that on Tues and Thurs which is nice because I don't have anything to do before class starts so I have a lot of time to prepare in the mornings. I am still teaching lessons at night on Tues, Wed, and Thurs. Band is still there too which means 7:30 am on M W F, which in the grand total of things means I only have to teach band on Friday morning and after that I'm free the rest of the day! That my friends is awesome.

I've also been reading a bunch of books since Thanksgiving. The Kite Runner, A Thousand Slendid Suns, A Long Way Gone, The Space Trilogy (C.S. Lewis: Out of he Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength), and I'm reading How to Read Novels like a Professor. I never took any literature classes in school, so I'm not versed in how to read novels and discuss different things about them. It's a fun read. Next up is In The Heart of the Sea, which is the true account of the whale boat Essex. I'm finding that I'm watching a lot less TV when I'm reading books and I like to read books more, so I'm doing it.

crazy life!

So this has been a crazy semester so far. I feel like I'm constantly one step behind, but I'm trying to keep ahead. I feel I haven't grasped what I'm going toward at the end of the semester. I think I need to sit down and really plan out this semester. But every time I do it I just end up not wanting to do anything.

I'm practicing classical guitar again. This time though I'm determined to improve this year. Not by trying to get a recital prepped like I did last year, but through exercises. I'm studying the Segovia scales and the Carcassi Etudes. I really hated those etudes for years. It's a book of 25 and I've only ever known five of them and I've had the stinkin' book for almost 10 years. So I'm determined to learn all of them this year. It's going well I've learned 10 this week so I'm in the mid-late teens and am learning more every day. I really want to master those because I've been at a plateau for a long time and it's time to move to the next level.

On other notes. I love to ride bikes. I love it.

bikes!

so the new thing for me is I'm getting into cycling. I've always wanted to get into shape and I've pretty much hated the ways of doing it. I really hate running. I have a bike but it's a hybrid which isn't really good for anything. Then I rode Brett's road bike and totally loved it. So now I'm looking for a vintage bike to convert into a fixed gear or a single gear. I'm really into it right now.

I'm trying to sell my trek to get an old frame that I can convert with my brother in law Rob. I forgot that he used to be into bike building and has the equipment and know-how to build bikes. So when they get out here, we're going to convert a bike to a fixie. I'm super excited because frames and old bikes aren't that expensive so I'm really figuring out what I want.

I borrowed Jeremy and Tiffany Dixon's extra road bike. It's a Specialized and it totally sweet. J and T just finished the Lake Placid Ironman, so you could say they are pretty into cycling. It's a sweet bike, but it's too fancy for me, but I did really enjoy driving it today. I took it out for fifteen this morning, and I loved it! I'm pretty tired because I'm out of shape, but when I get a bike, I'm planning on riding 3-4 times a week for a long distance. I'm super excited! Ok that's all for now.

rain!!!!

I hate the rain in BG. It just comes and rains a lot real fast and you barely have time to get your scooter inside. Here's a few pics of today.

The rain outside my window

when I am in rain you better watch out

sometimes i look crazy at you

but then after I look suave to make you feel better

Good day

Today was a good day. I don't want to give away too many details, but those who know me know it's been a good few weeks and today was a good day. I've read books, watched movies, relaxed, and most of all not thought. I love that, not thinking too much.

Unfortunately I am now worried about doctoral degrees and am now starting to brush up on my electronic music chops by reading the Computer Music Tutorial. I've read many parts but it doesn't hurt to get it in my brain again, especially since I have forgotten a lot in the last two years.

Tomorrow is the Guitar Center Memorial day sale, their biggest sale of the year, so I might be spending some money tomorrow, hopefully not.

I also bought a frisbee and love to toss it.

I also love Jesus.

Good first post, I think.