This post isn't about seven swans. Although I've been listening to it for the last hour on repeat, actually not repeat I just re-click it when it's over (which is more work for me). That being aside, tonight I feel deep, so I'm going to write it out like I always do. It's interesting that this blog turns out to be many posts when I feel heavy, maybe one would get the sense that I'm kind of a sad person or whatnot, but I don't think that's the case, I just write things out when I feel this way.
First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month. I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February. I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow. Thank you Lord. I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.
Maybe tonight is remanence of that....
Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present. Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons. One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance. That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think. Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled. It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say. It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words. I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory. No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace. It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile. It's beautiful.
So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture. I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day. It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it. So here's a bit now.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
There it is, that's where I'm at.
I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God. That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him. He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.
So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
walk
Tonight it was a bit warmer here, which means it was above freezing. So I took a walk intending to have some phone time with some friends, but as luck would have it (which isn't luck at all) it all went to voicemail. So I took off the earbuds and looked up and saw a most beautiful sky filled with low-flying brown clouds interspersed between a perfectly clear starry sky. It was amazing. Snow everywhere. Beautiful lights. It was a real scene. It was a scene I won't get when I go back to Texas so I wanted to soak it in.
The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.
Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.
I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.
It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.
Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.
The real amazing part was the wind. It's no secret that I really don't like the wind most of the time. But tonight I loved it. It was refreshing and cold and reminded me of all the walks I used to take when I was in Ohio. Cold walks around the pond next to the music building. There were times when I'd be going crazy in my office with work and needed to cool off and take a walk. At the moment they were a necessity, now I look back as they were a privilege. I don't have a place like that in Texas.
Bowling Green is windy. That old walk around the pond was usually windy as the music building is at the edge of campus and there was a flat across the street that the wind would blow across. It was kind of a wind tunnel. The wind tonight took be back to that place. It was beautiful.
I started to pray and talk to God. I just felt so thankful for him and all that he has done for me. He has brought me so far along in my walk with him, only by his grace alone. It really is a privilege to follow Jesus. I used to have this attitude of pride in that "I chose him and what a score that is for him because I'm awesome" kind of thing. Most days he has broken me of that (I still have my days!) and he's shaping me more and more into a servant of him for his glory only.
It's hard not to miss some of my time in Ohio, especially the first few years, those hard years of growing in faith and in academics. I grew a lot in those years, they were full of confusion, love, pain, fear, with good community and fellowship. I made a lot of good friends, joined my first church, joined in some leadership, made a lot of music, and really began to let God work through me.
Sometimes I long for those times, but more and more I don't long for them so much but am happy they happened and when I'm reminded of them to be thankful of that time that God gifted me with.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Turning 30
It's official. I'm 30.
It's been a date looming over my head through my mid-late 20's (27-29). I look at it like I'm in my late 20's now. But honestly, I look forward to my 30's, I think it's time I became a man and what better time than to leave the decade that the beginning of my walk with Christ began. He's been faithful to beginning the maturing process in me and I look forward to walking down that road more with him in the next decade. I really desire to let him mold me into a man that desires to follow him and him only.
It's been interesting the last month how some epiphanies have really struck home. The main one has been meditating on obedience to Jesus. He doesn't command us to make any grand oaths or whatnot, just to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no. I've gotten caught in the web of oaths and there's no substance to them. There is a lot of power in saying yes or no in the moment. Maybe power is not quite the word, perhaps pressure is a better word. As much as we all have convictions, we still have to choose in that moment to be faithful to them. I've been warned in many cases by the Spirit to choose rightly, but unfortunately for much of my time following Jesus I've chosen what I want over what's best for me.
I love the idea of obeying Jesus. It will bring me more joy than anything else. It's not a legalistic thing, or that I have to follow the 'rules', but that Jesus wants me to obey him and that's how I can really show him that I love him. It's me listening to him, loving him, and following him, even when my wicked heart desires something more. The object is always cheaper than the trade off when I'm disobedient. Finding joy and contentment in the Lord is the only path for joy and contentment for the soul and I've often been without peace. I want to be clear that it's not a one-to-one ratio where I do something for God and he does something for me. That's ridiculous and not biblical. He's already done it all for me and he wants me to rejoice in that through making him my all. If he isn't he has a funny way of destroying our idols (which often hurts at the time but is much better after).
I'm walking through a time of patience on him and I'm so thankful for it. I don't need more idols in my life but to be seeking him only. Psalm 62 says a lot to me right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
Being patient and obedient with the Lord is where he had me on this occasion of me turning 30. It's a good place and I'm very blessed and thankful for his faithfulness.
It's been a date looming over my head through my mid-late 20's (27-29). I look at it like I'm in my late 20's now. But honestly, I look forward to my 30's, I think it's time I became a man and what better time than to leave the decade that the beginning of my walk with Christ began. He's been faithful to beginning the maturing process in me and I look forward to walking down that road more with him in the next decade. I really desire to let him mold me into a man that desires to follow him and him only.
It's been interesting the last month how some epiphanies have really struck home. The main one has been meditating on obedience to Jesus. He doesn't command us to make any grand oaths or whatnot, just to simply let our yes be yes and our no be no. I've gotten caught in the web of oaths and there's no substance to them. There is a lot of power in saying yes or no in the moment. Maybe power is not quite the word, perhaps pressure is a better word. As much as we all have convictions, we still have to choose in that moment to be faithful to them. I've been warned in many cases by the Spirit to choose rightly, but unfortunately for much of my time following Jesus I've chosen what I want over what's best for me.
I love the idea of obeying Jesus. It will bring me more joy than anything else. It's not a legalistic thing, or that I have to follow the 'rules', but that Jesus wants me to obey him and that's how I can really show him that I love him. It's me listening to him, loving him, and following him, even when my wicked heart desires something more. The object is always cheaper than the trade off when I'm disobedient. Finding joy and contentment in the Lord is the only path for joy and contentment for the soul and I've often been without peace. I want to be clear that it's not a one-to-one ratio where I do something for God and he does something for me. That's ridiculous and not biblical. He's already done it all for me and he wants me to rejoice in that through making him my all. If he isn't he has a funny way of destroying our idols (which often hurts at the time but is much better after).
I'm walking through a time of patience on him and I'm so thankful for it. I don't need more idols in my life but to be seeking him only. Psalm 62 says a lot to me right now.
For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
Being patient and obedient with the Lord is where he had me on this occasion of me turning 30. It's a good place and I'm very blessed and thankful for his faithfulness.
Monday, November 15, 2010
What I won't always be
Do not love the work or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world – the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions – is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
-1 John 2:15-17
I read this passage this morning and it reminded of me what Chandler was saying in a sermon a few weeks ago. He was saying how he wasn't going to be a pastor forever, so he couldn't make that his identity. I think at the time it was profound, but has since rolled off me until this morning.
I will not always be a musician, so I can't make that my identity. I've know for a long time that I can't make my music my identity, but the idea that when I die I will no longer be a musician never occurred to me. I love music, don't get me wrong. I also work really hard at it. But I also know the futility of it. That no matter how much I work that I can't take it with me.
This is actually very comforting to me. I don't have to pretend that all of this matters to me as much as it seems to everyone else. It gives me licence to fail. Not that I like to fail and I totally do care about my work and its quality. But it's not what makes me. I could write total junk music the rest of my life and Jesus will still love me as if I were Mozart. I mean look at the Christian music industry...most of it is trite junk but that doesn't mean that they aren't believers.
Anyways, this is a comforting thought, especially this morning when I'm trying to complete my paper on the theme and variations from Webern's Symphonie Op. 21. I again waited too long to finish it and find myself at Zera at 6 am to write all day until it's due at 6.
Regardless of this paper, my program, my music, or my circumstances, my sufficiency is in Christ.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Brief Ineptitude
It's amazing how God breaks us, our confidence, our pride. What's even more interesting is how he breaks our insecurities too. As you may or may not know, I don't have the best self-confidence, I never have really. I know I have fear of man issues as one of the symptoms of fear of man is insecurity and the feeling that there's this secret person that if anyone knew would reject. My security lies within the Lord, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing a bad job.
Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.
But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.
Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing. I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life. I really don't know what else I could do outside of music. I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person. I peruse many topics but never really master anything. It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects. This frustrates me.
But it all points to the Lord. That He is my trust. He is my security. That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan. When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free. Free of this world and it's constraints on me. I can leave it. I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine. I'm free to write music in praise of Him. I'm free. This is where I'm dwelling today. I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves. Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
CFAMC
Yesterday I returned from Marion, IN from the Christian Fellowship of Art Music Composers (CFAMC) conference. It was a long trip that sat right in the middle of finishing an analysis paper and finishing the piece to be performed on the concert for the festival! So it's been a stressful time the last few weeks. Last year felt like a cakewalk compared to this semester. I'm trying to be effective with my time, but it just slips away from me.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
But that's neither here nor there, this post is about the trip. It was interesting to go back to Marion. I went to this same conference at this same place two years ago. It was a striking reminder of how much God has changed me. It was an emotional few days, which for the most part I suppressed, but was able to articulate to a brother that I really connected with.
First off, it's fall up there. Legit fall. Yellow trees, cool mornings and evenings. It's the perfect setting for a specific type of nostalgia that only can occur in the fall. It's the type that feels bittersweet yet hopeful. The natural slowing down of nature, the hastening days. The days where I only but desire to sit in my apartment, open the windows, drink warm coffee, and think.
I know that I live too much in the past. It has been a plague to me and my walk with God for my whole existence. Luckily, I've been delivered to Texas where 'fall' happens in a single day where all the leaves turn brown and fall off in one giant swoop. It's not a nostalgic place which does me some good.
So when I got to Indiana, I could instantly feel the change. The want of being alone. Of wanting to think, to feel, to live in my brain. Again, God would provide a way out though my sister's family. I got to see them on Thursday all afternoon and evening which kept me sane and happy.
Friday morning out the door on the open road at 7 am. Just me. Just the road. It was 47 degrees and no major highways between Valparaiso and Marion. Two and a half hours of silence, winding roads, and pretty trees. It was a nice ride. It was some sweet time with God.
I got to the campus and joined the group an hour late (I didn't account for the time change) but was glad to see familiar faces from two years ago. They all remembered me too and things were off to a good start. The guys were great. The festival was great. Busy all day. Got my piece worked up in the afternoon and had to miss one talking session to do it. After the evening concert we went out for a beer and had some great discussions.
The came along Saturday morning. I drove to Indiana Wesleyan and today parked on the other side of campus than the previous day. I pulled in, put the car in park, and when I looked up waves of memory washed over me. This was it. This was the spot two years ago that I lost it. Almost the exact parking spot. I remembered vividly the buildings, the signs around, the trees, the anger, the bitterness. It was all so overwhelming that I got out of the car quickly and walked into the student center.
Here's a little back story about the CFAMC conference. I went there two years ago presenting a vocal piece. It was a time in my life I was struggling with God and wrestling with my life. At the conference, two things happened: 1) I got a reprieve from my life and was able to fellowship with some strong men, 2) This festival was the main reason I went on to grad school.
Unfortunately, at the end of last year's conference I came home early, back to my life. I wasn't happy about this. I drove three hours home in the middle of the night, furious at God. I gave him every ounce of distain, anger, and bitterness I could muster. I was literally tapped out physically, and spiritually bankrupt. I said things to and about God that I've regretted for a long time. It was one of those fights. It left an otherwise great experience tinged with badness. This is what washed over me in that parking lot.
After the festival, it was time for me to drive home. Out to the car. Half an hour before sundown. I went out and looked around sitting in that car. I prayed. I prayed over that place, over that time, over my anger, my bitterness. I prayed to be released from that horrible night, for all the wrong I said, for all the hate I felt. I know I was forgiven for that night, well that night, but I wanted in that moment for God to know how sorry I was and that I love him.
More importantly I wanted to know he loves me. He does. I drove the next hour with the windows down, thankful for how far God has brought me over the last year. How I'm thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross and how there's nothing I can do to add to that. How he's placed me in this great community where I can be broken and be sustained. I go to a church that cares about each person and loves on all. I live in a city that is unique and full of interesting people. I live in a country that allows me to say what I want and believe what I want to believe. That I live on an earth that was created by God simply speaking. That I am made from dust and the only thing that separates me from that dust is the the breath of God.
It was a bittersweet trip, but one full of hope.
Friday, February 26, 2010
life is crazy
This semester is kind of kicking my A. I'm taking four classes which is one more than I took last semester and these classes require much more time than the last ones. Physical Modeling is a two parter: 1) learn interesting digital audio process through math and diagrams 2) Implement in C Sound (or MAX). The MAX stuff I kind of get, but C Sound is brand new to me and it's ripping me a new one.
Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900. This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester. We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro. We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis. This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1. I woke up in a panic and started to get to work. My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time). Now I am a fast test taker. I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it. This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class. So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking. I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it. But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.
My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular. I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May. This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet. I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.
It's going to be a push to get to spring break. Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers. One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people. The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it). It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin. We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least! This is all coming up in the next few weeks. Crazy time.
God let me make it to spring break.
Then there's Analytical Techniques II which is a theory course from 1700-1900. This is a pretty large time frame for only one semester. We just took the midterm today and it was an analysis of Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No.1, III Allegro. We got the piece on Tuesday and of course I wait until this morning at 6 am to start my analysis. This was cutting it close as the test was at 1 and I had a recording gig at 11-1. I woke up in a panic and started to get to work. My brain was fried by the test and he packed a 1:30 hour test in an hour which meant I was writing as fast as I could the entire time (then with a few minutes left I had a pencil malfunction which almost made me run out of time). Now I am a fast test taker. I am usually one of the ones to finish first and I rarely change an answer after I answer it. This test was four questions and I wrote as fast as I could and still was almost last in the class. So that means my answers were too long or I'm a slow thinker, but that couldn't be it as I was literally writing the entire time with no real thinking. I think I did well, at least the 'top' grade for this teacher, a B, so I think I'll get a B and be done with it. But I'm pretty sure I nailed a few questions that the answer was kind of hidden.
My lessons this semester are also less than spectacular. I am studying with the different guest composers and when I'm not with them I'm with Dr. May. This has been very troublesome and I really haven't written anything yet. I'm going to write a mass which is no small task and I'm just so busy that I'm not getting the time I want.
It's going to be a push to get to spring break. Pauline Oliveros is going to be here and I'm performing in a few pieces of hers. One is a part of NOVA, our new music ensemble (the fourth class I'm taking) and it's an improv with like 12 other people. The other (and more scary) are a set of two pieces called "The Well and the Gentle" which I'm performing with the improv group I've been apart of this year (Sarah Summar, Scott Price, and Ben Johansen are all in it). It's a little exposed with four people, two guitars, sax, violin. We haven't performed either and we'll be premiering at this concert in front of a lot of people and Oliveros. I'm a bit nervous to say the least! This is all coming up in the next few weeks. Crazy time.
God let me make it to spring break.
Monday, January 25, 2010
New Semester
Last week was the start of a new semester. I'm glad to be in the new year with a new semester as the last one was good but kept rolling along. The weather in Denton the last few weeks has been great, mostly sunny and in the 60's or higher. This really makes me happy and I've been taking some walk which have been nice.
I'm starting a new piece and I'm still undecided on what to do. I don't have a consistent teacher this semester as my lessons are going to be covered by the numerous guest composers we have this semester including Harvey Sollberger, Libby Larsen, Pauline Oliveros, Claude Baker, and more. With the weeks of no guests I'll be with Dr. May. So it will be pretty cool I think.
I am going to write a piece with many short movements instead of one long one. I don't have many (really any) works that are multi-movement and I really want to work on that. I want to write a chamber piece, <=7 players, and my initial instrumentation is flute, clarinet, alto sax, 2 trombones, piano, percussion. But after talking to Dr. May I am not so sure as it may be cool, but not pragmatic. The 'standard' mixed ensemble is called 'Pierro' after Schoenberg's 'Pierro Lunaire' which is flute, clarinet, violin, cello, piano. This is pretty standard and if I did that with a percussionist that would be pretty standard. I guess I could get a trombone involved which would make a 7 person ensemble. Anyways, I'm still thinking.
I am going to quasi-model it off of Messiaen's 'Quartet for the end of time' which is for violin, clarinet, cello, and piano. It has 8 movements which I think will serve as somewhat of a model for my piece. At least it will give me a starting point. I want it to have to do with the bible, but I don't know what aspect I want to bring out, which stories, which truths. I've been spending a lot of time in Genesis and that would be obvious with creation and all, but I want something less obvious and trite, something more original, not that this will in any way add to the bible, it's just my take and expression of it.
I'm starting a new piece and I'm still undecided on what to do. I don't have a consistent teacher this semester as my lessons are going to be covered by the numerous guest composers we have this semester including Harvey Sollberger, Libby Larsen, Pauline Oliveros, Claude Baker, and more. With the weeks of no guests I'll be with Dr. May. So it will be pretty cool I think.
I am going to write a piece with many short movements instead of one long one. I don't have many (really any) works that are multi-movement and I really want to work on that. I want to write a chamber piece, <=7 players, and my initial instrumentation is flute, clarinet, alto sax, 2 trombones, piano, percussion. But after talking to Dr. May I am not so sure as it may be cool, but not pragmatic. The 'standard' mixed ensemble is called 'Pierro' after Schoenberg's 'Pierro Lunaire' which is flute, clarinet, violin, cello, piano. This is pretty standard and if I did that with a percussionist that would be pretty standard. I guess I could get a trombone involved which would make a 7 person ensemble. Anyways, I'm still thinking.
I am going to quasi-model it off of Messiaen's 'Quartet for the end of time' which is for violin, clarinet, cello, and piano. It has 8 movements which I think will serve as somewhat of a model for my piece. At least it will give me a starting point. I want it to have to do with the bible, but I don't know what aspect I want to bring out, which stories, which truths. I've been spending a lot of time in Genesis and that would be obvious with creation and all, but I want something less obvious and trite, something more original, not that this will in any way add to the bible, it's just my take and expression of it.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sunday mornings
I love my Sunday mornings. They are the highlight of my week. It's weird that I'm not at the age where instead of Friday or Saturday nights, I look forward to my Sunday mornings (Saturdays are usually similar).
I wake up, get a shower and get ready and get to Starbucks so I can compose and get a coffee (lately pumpkin spice latte's). I don't get coffee from there during the week as it's too much money, so I save it for the weekends. I get there, get my coffee and just compose. It's my designated composition time. I look at it like time with music and God, because I have church at 11, which is a great time because it's enough time in the morning to get a good session in. I don't have to think about anything else, work, school work, money, or anything else. I can just sit, drink my coffee, think about God, write music. It's really the perfect time for me. Today the sun was out, it was blue skies, and I worked on getting to the end of my final hand-draft. I got there and came up with a great idea for the end which extended the ending by over 30 seconds which brings the total time for the piece to 13 minutes. I still have 9 bars after the mid-point to work out, but I have a good idea of what to do and I'm going to take care of that after church.
I realized two things about who I am as a composer and how I look at my music:
1) I'm not experimental for experimental's sake.
-Too many composers are trying to be experimental just to be experimental. Their music usually lacks soul, emotion, and creativity. It becomes a gimmick, and people usually forget about it except for maybe some gimmickey "experimental" aspect. I want people to remember my music for what it makes them feel, not that I'm writing gushy-hyper-emotional-trash just to get people to weep. There is a balance between the brain and the heart but they both should be fully engaged.
2) I'm not composing to impress anyone.
-Too many composers write to impress other people, namely musicians and namely other composers. My music is not impressive from a technical, or virtuosic standpoint. I really don't care for it to. Not that I write simplistic music, although I value simplicity and a clear sense of direction. I don't care if anyone listens to my music and are impressed by it's exciting elements. My music is not bombastic, or overly intense. It has times where it can be a little 'notey', but overall I like space to be a factor in the structure. My SQ has a lot of space in it, maybe too much in fact. The first three and last four minutes are long phrases with just a few notes held throughout. I like it and think it will be a meditative thing.
I wake up, get a shower and get ready and get to Starbucks so I can compose and get a coffee (lately pumpkin spice latte's). I don't get coffee from there during the week as it's too much money, so I save it for the weekends. I get there, get my coffee and just compose. It's my designated composition time. I look at it like time with music and God, because I have church at 11, which is a great time because it's enough time in the morning to get a good session in. I don't have to think about anything else, work, school work, money, or anything else. I can just sit, drink my coffee, think about God, write music. It's really the perfect time for me. Today the sun was out, it was blue skies, and I worked on getting to the end of my final hand-draft. I got there and came up with a great idea for the end which extended the ending by over 30 seconds which brings the total time for the piece to 13 minutes. I still have 9 bars after the mid-point to work out, but I have a good idea of what to do and I'm going to take care of that after church.
I realized two things about who I am as a composer and how I look at my music:
1) I'm not experimental for experimental's sake.
-Too many composers are trying to be experimental just to be experimental. Their music usually lacks soul, emotion, and creativity. It becomes a gimmick, and people usually forget about it except for maybe some gimmickey "experimental" aspect. I want people to remember my music for what it makes them feel, not that I'm writing gushy-hyper-emotional-trash just to get people to weep. There is a balance between the brain and the heart but they both should be fully engaged.
2) I'm not composing to impress anyone.
-Too many composers write to impress other people, namely musicians and namely other composers. My music is not impressive from a technical, or virtuosic standpoint. I really don't care for it to. Not that I write simplistic music, although I value simplicity and a clear sense of direction. I don't care if anyone listens to my music and are impressed by it's exciting elements. My music is not bombastic, or overly intense. It has times where it can be a little 'notey', but overall I like space to be a factor in the structure. My SQ has a lot of space in it, maybe too much in fact. The first three and last four minutes are long phrases with just a few notes held throughout. I like it and think it will be a meditative thing.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
The Magician, and my diet stinks
So this week was the most stressful of this semester, which isn't saying much because in the grad scheme it really wasn't that big of a deal or test. We had a concert Monday, (see previous post) which went well but was time consuming. Then on Thursday I had a presentation on Serialism, with a parter, for 80 minutes. I took the first 40 with cramming the history of the 2nd Viennese School through Boulez. In 40 minutes I went about 30 years. My partner Gabi (a flautist from Brazil) took Babbitt and played some excerpts from him and spoke more. It went well I think. It really wasn't that 'hard', but it was my first kind of test here and I didn't want to look bad or flunk it, so in that respect it was a big deal. It was good. I also met with a string quartet for them to read through what I have so far in my piece. It went well but was some work to get it all ready for them. I've since them re-notated what I've got which is about 2 minutes of music. I'm meeting with them on Tuesday for another half hour which will be a really good time for me. On top of all that I went to two improv session (wed. night with some other DMA composers, thurs. at the dance dept. at TWU [Texas Women's University]). It was fun, then after I went to Scott's (a fellow DMA composer, who also went to BGSU a year ahead of me, so I know him) with Ben (another DMA composer) and had a beer with some really really cheap pizza. I woke up friday literally thinking it was Saturday.
I'm reading this book "The Magicians" which my friend Megan sent me. I'm through the first half and I really like most all of it, except some out of context language that I think is not becoming. I am excited to dive into the second half Megan has this idea that when she finished a book to send it to another person my mail. I like this idea, like a book share program. Rather than reading and putting on shelf till you move and decide to throw it out, give it some use to someone else. This could be a good idea!
I think my poor diet is catching up with me. My stomach is upset most all the time and I think my body is literally rejecting much of the food on a regular basis. I need to eat better! Someone help me!!! I don't know how to cook or really take care of myself in the food realm. Help me!!!!
I'm reading this book "The Magicians" which my friend Megan sent me. I'm through the first half and I really like most all of it, except some out of context language that I think is not becoming. I am excited to dive into the second half Megan has this idea that when she finished a book to send it to another person my mail. I like this idea, like a book share program. Rather than reading and putting on shelf till you move and decide to throw it out, give it some use to someone else. This could be a good idea!
I think my poor diet is catching up with me. My stomach is upset most all the time and I think my body is literally rejecting much of the food on a regular basis. I need to eat better! Someone help me!!! I don't know how to cook or really take care of myself in the food realm. Help me!!!!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Are We Robots?
When you walk across college campus you might think that college students are robots. Almost every person walks around with a nice white set of ear buds placed directly in their ears. I'm trying to convince myself that they are in fact not robots and the those cords aren't controlling their brains, but from my knowledge of music I think that music does control the brain.
The most unfortunate aspect of this is that we humans are tuning out the life around us. There is a whole soundscape to our lives that happen naturally. The world we live in is vibrant with sound and interesting ones at that! It's too bad that everyone is too busy listening to the latest over-compressed piece of garbage on the radio.
I heard one of my favorite "natural" sound walking to school today. It's the sound of beeping from a construction vehicle. I love that tone, especially if it's a bit far off, it makes it sound almost ethereal, especially if there are two like there was today. Two different (or the same) pitches that beep in and out of phase because they are almost the same tempo, but just slightly different. It's like my own Different Trains but with real sounds. I love it.
I tried to load a sound clip but I had some problems. I'll figure it out later
The most unfortunate aspect of this is that we humans are tuning out the life around us. There is a whole soundscape to our lives that happen naturally. The world we live in is vibrant with sound and interesting ones at that! It's too bad that everyone is too busy listening to the latest over-compressed piece of garbage on the radio.
I heard one of my favorite "natural" sound walking to school today. It's the sound of beeping from a construction vehicle. I love that tone, especially if it's a bit far off, it makes it sound almost ethereal, especially if there are two like there was today. Two different (or the same) pitches that beep in and out of phase because they are almost the same tempo, but just slightly different. It's like my own Different Trains but with real sounds. I love it.
I tried to load a sound clip but I had some problems. I'll figure it out later
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Addictions
I went to the 7/11 that is by my apartment today to get the usual, a 32 oz. Pepsi®. I love Pepsi, that's the truth. I refuse to get a fountain Coke, only Pepsi. Now out of necessity I'll get a Coke from the vending machine in the music building because it's the only machine, and it's Coke on all of campus (and pretty much everywhere else down here), so I'll get it. But for fountain, nothing touches a good old Pepsi.
This got me thinking as the guy before me in line is the maintenance guy for my complex. He's the typical hippie-turned-worker guy who always smells bad of a mixture of BO and beer. He was at the store buying three large sized individual Milwaukee's Best beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon. I felt sorry for him as I think that might be an indicator of a problem. But then again, I'm getting my pepsi.
Addiction is a funny thing. It always starts out as something you like, then pretty soon you can't live without it. Unfortunately, addictions are usually associated with sin or badness. I wish I had some good addictions, but I don't. I have Pepsi, candy, video games, and whatnot, which I guess is not that bad, there's more but I don't need to dig in too deep. But essentially it's all bad because it keeps us from being productive for God. Why read my bible when I could play video games?
I hate my addictions and I'm trying to ask for grace to get rid of them. Now if I just really wanted to.... Anyways, some thoughts for the day, as I'm going to start blogging again.
This got me thinking as the guy before me in line is the maintenance guy for my complex. He's the typical hippie-turned-worker guy who always smells bad of a mixture of BO and beer. He was at the store buying three large sized individual Milwaukee's Best beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon. I felt sorry for him as I think that might be an indicator of a problem. But then again, I'm getting my pepsi.
Addiction is a funny thing. It always starts out as something you like, then pretty soon you can't live without it. Unfortunately, addictions are usually associated with sin or badness. I wish I had some good addictions, but I don't. I have Pepsi, candy, video games, and whatnot, which I guess is not that bad, there's more but I don't need to dig in too deep. But essentially it's all bad because it keeps us from being productive for God. Why read my bible when I could play video games?
I hate my addictions and I'm trying to ask for grace to get rid of them. Now if I just really wanted to.... Anyways, some thoughts for the day, as I'm going to start blogging again.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter
This Easter has proven to be an unusual one. I did laundry. That's pretty much it. All day. Granted I'm getting over an unusually strong sore throat that hit like a ton of bricks on Friday. But still I did nothing, except one good deed. I gave away my piano.
At home (oakesdale, WA [google map it to see how small it is]) I got a small piano for my graduation gift from my parents. We didn't haul it out here when I moved so it's sat in my parents house all these years. They sold the house and now I'm trying to sell it. The people that sold it to me, the Browns, were my second family growing up. Their son, Josh was my best friend all through high school. Larry and Cheryl have been to almost every event in my life up till college. They sold my folks the piano when I graduated college.
They were interested in buying it back for their oldest daughter Jodi. She's interested in learning how to play again. The asking price I set was too high and they declined to buy it, so I gave it to them tonight. I just thought that it could be a good thing for them. I'm a teacher at heart and a teacher does what is right for people who want to learn. I hope it will be a good sing for things to come for Jodi, she's going in for heart surgery this week, hopefully after this all her problems will be done. Maybe music could be in the path of her recovery. It's amazing when God places you in the path of someone you can bless.
At home (oakesdale, WA [google map it to see how small it is]) I got a small piano for my graduation gift from my parents. We didn't haul it out here when I moved so it's sat in my parents house all these years. They sold the house and now I'm trying to sell it. The people that sold it to me, the Browns, were my second family growing up. Their son, Josh was my best friend all through high school. Larry and Cheryl have been to almost every event in my life up till college. They sold my folks the piano when I graduated college.
They were interested in buying it back for their oldest daughter Jodi. She's interested in learning how to play again. The asking price I set was too high and they declined to buy it, so I gave it to them tonight. I just thought that it could be a good thing for them. I'm a teacher at heart and a teacher does what is right for people who want to learn. I hope it will be a good sing for things to come for Jodi, she's going in for heart surgery this week, hopefully after this all her problems will be done. Maybe music could be in the path of her recovery. It's amazing when God places you in the path of someone you can bless.
Monday, April 6, 2009
and the winner is.....
University of North Texas! I guess the real winner is me. I can't believe I got in there and that I'm now going to be a student there. I'm also blown away that I'm going to get a doctorate. Dr. P! Or as Angie, Drew and Hunter decided, Dr. PP (because of my initials). I'm pretty sure that one won't stick.
I've had a lot of doubt about where I should go lately. I'm not used to be in "high demand". When I applied for the master's degree, I only got through the process with two school, U of Wash and BG. Washington didn't want me and I got into BG. It was a pretty easy choice, one choice always is. I got into the all the schools I applied for namely because I didn't think I had a chance at UNT. They only accept 2 people a year (which I found out afterward thank God!) and they have a pretty reputable name for music and a great composition department. The other schools I applied to I figured I'd get in to, but really thought I wouldn't get in anywhere.
So when I got into them I didn't know what choice to make. UNT actually gave me the least amount of money, but their tuition s dirt cheap and they gave me a scholarship and in-state tuition. It's also pretty cheap to live in Denton, comparable to BG. I'm up next for a teaching fellowship though, maybe this fall, possibly spring, and for sure next year I'll be getting funded which will help a lot. The other schools gave assistantships, but in Boulder wouldn't have gone very far as living is outrageous there. Anyways, I think I made the right decisions. UNT was my first choice and still is.
I went there on Friday to visit the school, and it is huge! The building is very big and it's a big department. The music school is the flagship of the university, it has a great reputation and great teachers. I'm looking forward to living there. The weather is going to be better, but it'skind of windy and unpredictable, but everything is in bloom there and it's still not thinking about it here.
Now if I can just get through the next four years! That's right at least four more years of school! I wonder if I'll ever get done. If I'm done with school in 4 (hopefully not 5) years I'll be 33 when it's all said and done and I will have gone to college for a decade! 10 whole years! Crazy. It will be worth it though.
I've had a lot of doubt about where I should go lately. I'm not used to be in "high demand". When I applied for the master's degree, I only got through the process with two school, U of Wash and BG. Washington didn't want me and I got into BG. It was a pretty easy choice, one choice always is. I got into the all the schools I applied for namely because I didn't think I had a chance at UNT. They only accept 2 people a year (which I found out afterward thank God!) and they have a pretty reputable name for music and a great composition department. The other schools I applied to I figured I'd get in to, but really thought I wouldn't get in anywhere.
So when I got into them I didn't know what choice to make. UNT actually gave me the least amount of money, but their tuition s dirt cheap and they gave me a scholarship and in-state tuition. It's also pretty cheap to live in Denton, comparable to BG. I'm up next for a teaching fellowship though, maybe this fall, possibly spring, and for sure next year I'll be getting funded which will help a lot. The other schools gave assistantships, but in Boulder wouldn't have gone very far as living is outrageous there. Anyways, I think I made the right decisions. UNT was my first choice and still is.
I went there on Friday to visit the school, and it is huge! The building is very big and it's a big department. The music school is the flagship of the university, it has a great reputation and great teachers. I'm looking forward to living there. The weather is going to be better, but it'skind of windy and unpredictable, but everything is in bloom there and it's still not thinking about it here.
Now if I can just get through the next four years! That's right at least four more years of school! I wonder if I'll ever get done. If I'm done with school in 4 (hopefully not 5) years I'll be 33 when it's all said and done and I will have gone to college for a decade! 10 whole years! Crazy. It will be worth it though.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Life, Traveling, Grad School
Yet again it's been a long time since I've blogged. Yikes!
As many of you know I've applied for doctorate programs to enroll in the fall. I applied to three places, U of Arizona, U of Colorado @ Boulder, and U of North Texas. I flew out to Boulder a few weeks ago and it was so beautiful, warmer, and sunny. I guess it's one of the most sunny places in the US, and I can believe it. I got to see my friends Stu Clark, and Josh Forke. Josh and I went for a bike ride and I got to see all of his work and stuff like that. It was a great time. I was sad to come home on the pure fact that BG has basically no natural beauty of its own.
I got into all three schools and now comes the decision of where to go. I'm still deciding, but I don't have to make a decision for a few weeks so there you go.
I just got back from Arkansas where I drove down with the Suels. They got back from the UK and had to move all their stuff from BG to Arkansas. They asked me to drive with them which was a blast. They are just people that I will be friends with my whole life. We had fun but Pippi their 13 month old did not like me at all. She would have nothing to do with me the entire trip. It's okay though as she'll get used to me eventually and we'll be friends.
I am excited for spring and can't wait for it. It will come soon, I hope. Anyways that's all for me for now.
As many of you know I've applied for doctorate programs to enroll in the fall. I applied to three places, U of Arizona, U of Colorado @ Boulder, and U of North Texas. I flew out to Boulder a few weeks ago and it was so beautiful, warmer, and sunny. I guess it's one of the most sunny places in the US, and I can believe it. I got to see my friends Stu Clark, and Josh Forke. Josh and I went for a bike ride and I got to see all of his work and stuff like that. It was a great time. I was sad to come home on the pure fact that BG has basically no natural beauty of its own.
I got into all three schools and now comes the decision of where to go. I'm still deciding, but I don't have to make a decision for a few weeks so there you go.
I just got back from Arkansas where I drove down with the Suels. They got back from the UK and had to move all their stuff from BG to Arkansas. They asked me to drive with them which was a blast. They are just people that I will be friends with my whole life. We had fun but Pippi their 13 month old did not like me at all. She would have nothing to do with me the entire trip. It's okay though as she'll get used to me eventually and we'll be friends.
I am excited for spring and can't wait for it. It will come soon, I hope. Anyways that's all for me for now.
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