Come Thou Fount

This morning after a good walk with the Lord I came home and felt like doing something moderately creative and quick.  So I recorded an acoustic version of Come Thou Fount in like an hour and a half to see what I'd come up with.  I think it came out nice considering I have terrible time when playing with a click, recording, or just other humans.  I might do more of these, but don't expect anything.



Come Thou Fount by thecomposinator

oh you (my sick heart)

It's interesting to be confronted with issues that stem from my heart's idolatry.  Last week Beau spoke about the 'deep' idols, the ones that drive all the others.  I believe mine are comfort and acceptance.  Those two things pretty much have a hand in almost all of my decision making, as well as my other idols.

I've been confronted with some pretty sick things in my heart of late.  Well, not of late in my development as a human, they've always been there and I'm now starting to see them.  God has been calling out my pride through the form of being accepted lately.  It's really hard to take.  We all want to be special, and especially now in our social climate.  I'll admit I love getting praise and feeling like people like me.  I fight this as a teacher all the time, I want them to be my friends instead of being their teacher.  (I guess I'm a lot more like Michael Scott that I realized....)

I want to be special.  I really do.  The thing is, I am.  Not to anyone on this planet.  But to the Creator of this planet.  The One who literally spoke everything I can see, feel, touch, think, and experience into being.  He simply spoke.  This God also sent his Son so that I could be free.  He didn't save me while I was good but before the foundations of the world were put in place and while I was actively rebelling against him.  I am special to Jesus.  He has my name written on his hand, not just my name, but my real name, the name He gives to me.  A totally unique name that only He knows.

He and he alone is my sufficiency.  When I need affirmation, I need it from Him.  When I am feeling insecure, he is my security.  When I am rebelling and running, He runs with me and angles me back.

He shows me this wicked heart so that I will cling to the cross more. Because in myself I have no hope for reconciliation, but through Him I do. When I start to wander I get this vivid picture in my mind of me at the crucifixion literally laying on the ground with my arms wrapped around the cross, around Jesus.  I hold on so tightly to that, to have him be my sufficiency.  Then after a bit I start to feel good and stand up on my own two legs.  Then I take a step away from the cross on my own.  I literally get two steps away and start to waver, so I turn back to the cross and fall with arms open to grab it.  It's still there. He's waiting for me.  I grasp and I don't let go, until I get to prideful and stand up again on my own.

Always go to the cross, to Jesus. His gesture is the most meaningful one we have and will ever have.  Cling to it.

Sanctification is simply dwelling daily in our justification.  Never get past the cross.

seven swans

This post isn't about seven swans.  Although I've been listening to it for the last hour on repeat, actually not repeat I just re-click it when it's over (which is more work for me).  That being aside, tonight I feel deep, so I'm going to write it out like I always do.  It's interesting that this blog turns out to be many posts when I feel heavy, maybe one would get the sense that I'm kind of a sad person or whatnot, but I don't think that's the case, I just write things out when I feel this way.

First off, today was the last day of February, my least favorite month.  I don't think it is by choice, if you were to make a chart of my emotional state for the year, it just plummets in February.  I don't really know why but every year I pine for the first of March. That day is tomorrow.  Thank you Lord.  I've made it though this disaster of a month relatively okay.

Maybe tonight is remanence of that....

Tonight I spent some time willfully in the past. It's weird that I used to live so much more in the past than I do now, I still get the urge to live there but God has been faithful in keeping me present.  Tonight I wanted to go back, for many reasons.  One was because I had some business to take care of, the business of repentance.  That's where this little stroll began, thinking about a time that I sinned against someone and thinking and praying about how to ask for forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness is harder than one would think.  Not so much in the obvious way, as my heart has changed and I want to repent and be reconciled.  It's more the logistics of writing a statement that says what I need to say.  It's sometimes just plain hard to find the right words.  I really do love to apologize to others for my blemishes, it shows God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and glory.  No matter the reaction of the other person, God has moved my heart to want to repent, that is an act of grace.  It shows he's working in my heart to want to humble myself, claim my garbage, and to ask to reconcile.  It's beautiful.

So, on a different note, I've been (for the first time really) trying to memorize scripture.  I'm going for Romans 8, a verse a day.  It's going well, I'm not much of a good memorizer, but God had been merciful to me and the time spent is worth it.  So here's a bit now.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do, by sending how own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh,
in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the things of the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the things of the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God,
for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot.
Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.


There it is, that's where I'm at.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God.  That he died for me not when I was perfect (that hasn't happened) but he died while I was willfully rebelling against him.  He saved me from myself, my evil heart, and from eternal separation from Him.

So this post was kind of a throw away, but I'm going to post it anyways, maybe no one will read it....

Two sides of the same coin

I may have written about this before, but through some conversations (no Lee they aren't cite-able! but are a fertile ground to get the ball rolling) with some dear friends I've decided to perhaps revisit this idea.  This simple little idea is suffering.

This crux has set more doubt in our minds maybe more than any other question about God.  Why do we suffer?  How can an all-loving God let us suffer?  Now, I'm not here to answer any of those large questions, and I also think that some of these questions can/should be tied into justice, which is God's alone.

But I want to leave these questions behind because they are too big for my minuscule brain to tackle.  What I can discuss though is a quote from the Valley of Vision, which if you read my blog know I'm a really big fan of.  It comes from 'Divine Promises' and goes like this:

May I not instruct thee in my troubles,
   but glorify thee in my trials.

As my roommate Lee always exclaims during catchphrase® 'this is a comparison, four words.' Although this is more than four words, it is a comparison.  A single event described in two ways.  It is divided into two ideas, 1) a circumstance, 2) our reaction to it.

Something has happened.  Someone is hurting.  Someone is broken.  God is chastening the one that he loves.  How do we react?

The last word in each line should be all the indicator of the point that needs to be made.  Do I view events that happend to me as trials or troubles?  It's not just a pithy use of vocabulary, but the word choice defines the point of view.  Do I perceive things as bad (a circumstance that either the Lord doesn't know about, or that he is powerless to control) or as hard-but-good for God's glory?  Know that God allows 'bad' things to happen to us for His glory.  As Matt pointed out in his sermon this weekend, we don't always know how how it glorifies God (such as children dying), but rest assured it does and someday we'll know why.

Troubles imply an inward focus.  Troubles happen to us.  We want them to be fixed.  The point of a trouble is for it to go away.  Compare that to a trial, something we walk through.  Something we look to the Lord to get us through.  Trials don't need to be 'fixed', we must practice patience through them.  They teach us something about God.  The Bible is littered with the word trial in this manner, unlike troubles which can usually be found when describing intense, personal pain and an inward focus.

The other comparison has to do with our reaction.  Do we instruct the Lord on what to do?  This comparison is interesting because instruct and glorify are not antonyms, it's saying that the answer is not simply to be instructed by the Lord, but to glorify him.  Now it is glorifying to the Lord to be submissive to him.  Being submissive is not the same as 'happiness'.  It's not saying 'grin and bear it', but more 'suffer well knowing this is happening for a reason and you will bear the image of Christ more because of it'.  It's still difficult, but suffer well saints.  In that you are glorifying God.  The glorification isn't whether you are happy about it now, but whether you are trying despite your circumstances (or character traits) to sincerely be obedient to the Lord.  This is glorifying God, to follow when it hurts.

I find much hope in Romans 5:

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  (emphasis mine)

Suffer well good and faithful servants of the Lord.  Know that if you rejoice in your sufferings (glorify him in your trials) it leads to endurance, which leads to godly character, which leads to hope which will never put us to shame.  It's all for his glory.  To paraphrase Lewis; 'he was serious when he said he wanted us to be like his son and he will never quit as long as we live'.  He chastens those he loves, like a good Father would.

Know too, that it's only a season, there is hope!  Push forward in the Lord, cling to the cross and know that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit will never leave or forsake you, never.  Nothing can separate us from the love of the Lord (Romans 8).

Weeping may tarry the night,
   but joy comes with the morning.
                            -Psalm 30:5a


It may be a long night, one you may not think you can handle, but there is joy in the morning.  Be patient, suffer well.

Inside the mind of a composer (pt.1) --- Title

I'm going to start a short series on my blog over break on a topic that I seem to rarely write about anymore, my music.  As you can all see I changed the name of my blog from the almost always mispronounced 'thecomposinator' (sounds like the terminator) to 'I writes a blog' due to this phenomenon.  So I'm going to start a series for all you blog readers to get a glimpse into the mind of an elusive composer, how I think about composing, the process, ideas, structure, and other junk about what I do.  So here's post number one.


In many ways the hardest part of the compositional process (and most often for me one of the last) is the arrival at a final title for a piece.  Each composer assigns a different amount of importance to what their titles mean and what they want to evoke or give away.  Composers like Russell Pinkston stick to titles that are light hearted and incorporate the name of the performer he's writing the piece for in them, ex.  Lizamander for Elizabeth McNutt, or Gerrymander for Gerry Erante.  Of course these titles are puns and have second meanings that tie into the process too.  This points to the title being a structural part of the composition (or at least incorporated into early ideas).

Some titles are meant to evoke an image to the listener that the composer desires them to know going into the listening.  Takemitsu has some very evocative titles (especially in his last phase) like Rain Spell or Rain Tree.  He also had a water motive (s-e-a) infused throughout these works so most of their titles have to do with water.

Some composers like really technical titles that have either to do with an algorithm or scientific (hard or soft) principle behind them.  They typically sound like a word you've never heard before ex. (making these up) Geometus, or Fractal Dimentions, or something equally cool sounding.

These are but a few of the ways in which composers use title for their works.  If a composer wants to be really 'original' they'll call it untitled in an attempt to negate any connotation of pre-conceived notion, or perhaps they think they are really really smart and a pioneer (which they aren't).

Titles generally fall into two categories, 1) a title that piece is built around (ie, pre-compositional), or 2) a title designated after the work (or near the end), or post-compositional.  Now it is true that the idea of the title can be pre-comp and the finalized version appears at the end (which is usually how I work).  I'm sort of a hybrid titler, I have the idea for the title and for what the piece means to me usually very early in the process and it (or the idea of it) will dictate the compositional choices I make but will usually arrive at a sleek, shiny new title near the end.

This is happening with the Mass I've been working on for almost a year now.  I knew I wanted the name Mass incorporated into it, but I didn't know the nature of how I wanted it to be incorporated.  I thought of doing a statement like, Mass for a new generation, since the Mass is generally an unused form in modern music. But then that sounds a bit pompous to me and it reminded me of the Pepsi slogan from the early 90's.

Then I got the idea to incorporate the Mass as a subtext and have a different headliner, so that people would be tricked into listening to it.  Yes, this is that path I shall take.  So I have a first draft of the title, which I really like at this point.  Int[er(re)]actions I: MassOrd.  This title may seem long and weird, but let me explain.  First off, this piece is built around guided improvisations and interactions between vocalists and instrumentalists.  It's also going to be a part of a larger series of pieces for improvisers.  So I wanted a title I could use more than once, hence the I.  It's the first of a series of these types of pieces.

The name MassOrd is a shortened version of Mass Ordinary which is the type of mass I'm setting: five of the traditional (mostly latin) mass, Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Sanctus/Benedictus, Agnus Dei.  I like the sound and look of MassOrd, as it's less clunky than the whole title.

The beef of the title is two words within in the one.  Inter-actions, inter-reactions.  I put the bracket (which I might take out) around er-re to show a symmetrical relationship between that letter ordering and symmetry is a main structural element in this piece.  I might take the brackets out because symmetry might only be an important element in this work, not more down the line.  I like it for now, and who's to say I can't take it out in later works.  So it could be Inter(re)actions or Int[er(re)]actions, I haven't decided yet.

I really like this title as of now, but who knows, as the work is not yet done and I have had no feedback on it yet.  It says everything I want it to say, that is, it has interactions, reactions, uses mass text.  Now as we get into the structure in a later post, we'll see how the structure is based all on personal and doctrinal view of God and that is very important, but I don't want to give that away in the title.  I want to title to be broad, interesting, and cool sounding.  I want to music to say what I really want to say and hopefully it will.  We'll have to see when it gets performed this semester.