Thursday, October 28, 2010

Brief Ineptitude

It's amazing how God breaks us, our confidence, our pride.  What's even more interesting is how he breaks our insecurities too.  As you may or may not know, I don't have the best self-confidence, I never have really.  I know I have fear of man issues as one of the symptoms of fear of man is insecurity and the feeling that there's this secret person that if anyone knew would reject.  My security lies within the Lord, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing a bad job.

Right now the culprit is school, my assistantship, and composing.  I've always struggled with whether or not to pursue composition as a life.  I really don't know what else I could do outside of music.  I'm not much of an exhaustive knowledge type of person.  I peruse many topics but never really master anything.  It's not that I even don't master them, but really have an introductory level knowledge of subjects.  This frustrates me.

But it all points to the Lord.  That He is my trust.  He is my security.  That really none of this matters in the grand scheme of His perfect plan.  When I think about this, dwell here, my anxiety goes away and I'm free.  Free of this world and it's constraints on me.  I can leave it.  I can work hard, and either be successful or not and it won't matter because it's all for His glory, not mine.  I'm free to write music in praise of Him.  I'm free.  This is where I'm dwelling today.  I'm walking away from my failure and towards the one who saves.  Thank you Lord for saving a nobody like me.

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