memory

It's a weird thing.  That we have memories.  That at any moment we can close our eyes and go back to any moment that we can think of.  Most memories are triggered by something, a smell, a song, an image, a moment.  Lately I've been going up to this park at night to swing.  In those moments I forget so much of what I've been dealing with lately only to be fifteen year old Patrick swinging on a warm June night back home.  It literally feels like I am in that moment again.  I can actually feel like what I felt like almost fifteen years ago.  It feels great.

Today is was me sitting in Zera's and in the furniture store next door a pre-teen (are they called tweens now?) was playing Heart and Soul on a jankety, old upright piano.  I loved it.  It took me back to middle school when everybody and their dog (also an expression highly used back in the day) played that.  It continually annoyed me.  I doesn't anymore.  I loved hearing it.  I wish they had played it so much more.  It took me back.

Now I am a nostalgic person by nature and to a fault I spend too much time dwelling on the past.  I know this, it is nothing new to me.  But God has been shaping my heart of late, to live now, to be now.  This is a tall order for me as I spend a good deal of time in the past.  I know this is not healthy and not where God wants my mind.  He did a very good thing for us.  He did a thing that makes the past obsolete, yet I still dwell there.  My heart dwells there.  The bible very clearly states that where our heart is, my life is (read Psalm 51).  I want my life to be here and now with Jesus.  Not in the dullery that was my former life.

No matter how much I love those memories, I can't go back and don't desire to.  I think what I keep going back to was the innocence and freeness that comes from being young.  The weight of life is so much less to them (although they are dealing with newfound emotions which seems like a big deal) than it is to us.  I can literally feel the weight of the world on me.  It's physical.  It's real.  It hurts.  I guess that's why Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

It's weird being so flawed.  This is the state of man's heart.  We have wicked hearts that are completely beyond repair.  There is no program, scheme, or self-help that will "fix" you.  It's impossible.  People can surpress the truth and pretend it's all good, but it's a sham.  We are simply not capable of fixing ourselves.  We can't even control our own feelings!  We'd like to think we can, but then why do people have affairs? or kill?  or lie?  I'm sure any person wouldn't WANT to be those things.  Who wants to be an adulterer?  Who wants to be a murderer?  Who wants to be a liar?

There is only one help for the state of our hearts.  Jesus.  The amazing thing about Jesus is that when you want Him he's there.  He actually indwells inside of our bodies.  There is a lot of literature in the bible explaining this phenomenon.  The indwelling of the spirit.  It's real.  He's here.  He's inside of us.  This is both good and incredibly good for us.  I want to say bad instead of incredibly good, because we are so broken and most of the time we don't want the spirit inside of us.  People say they can actually feel the spirit in them.  Feel it.  It's real.  It's not some mental construct we made up.  Why would I make it up?  The spirit spends a lot of time convicting me of my pride and selfishness.  There is also a lot of joy.  Sometimes too much and all I can do is cry.

I'm glad that God created us to have memories.  We have them for a reason.  We need to remember.  We need to remember why we're here, why we were created.  It's so beautiful.  We need to remember Jesus. He remembers us, he has our name written on his hand.  Nothing is better, sweeter, or more life giving.