two opposing things

I feel completely deflated.  That's really the best word to describe where I am.  I feel like a lame duck.  Like a president on his last month after two terms.  I didn't want to get out of bed (again) this morning.  It was all I could do to get out of the apartment in time for our departmental at 11.  Why can't I be rejoicing in how God's changing me?  I'm not.  I've been pretty much a DB my whole life.  Although now I'm really starting to understand why, it's not encouraging to hear that I was (is).  Maybe that's the source of my problem...that I always have thought of myself as being a good person, but the reality is that I'm not.  I've literally been deluding myself all these years.  Even more so since I've accepted Christ.  I've done heinous things all while proclaiming to be a believer.  What hypocrisy!

It's weird.  Dealing with all of this.  I'm feeling the sin with no hope.  With no silver lining.  Lord knows I want a silver-lining to be there, sometimes I can see it.  But right now it's completely gone.  I hate this, I really do.  I've never felt so weak and pathetic.  I'm hemorrhaging money left and right (a car accident, scooter repair and licensing, and root canal all within a month).  At this point I really feel like giving up.  Just sitting in my room and not coming out.  I really wish that could be my plan, but luckily (providentially) I have responsibilities (not many but enough) at school.

On the opposite side I had a nice little convo with my niece on the phone tonight.  She wanted to tell me that I was in a dream of hers.  She was in her room, I was in the black chair in the living room (at my sister's) and I knocked on her door and she let me in.  We played for a bit then went to the hot dog stand!!! (she got all excited about that part) We ate hotdogs....the end.  My mom told me after that Sibley doesn't really like hot dogs, but apparently in dreams she does.