Humbling

It's been an interesting first week of school.  I find that basically all week God's been humbling me.  I'm usually not too opposed to being humbled and I usually know it's for my own good.  It's also easy to be humbled when you can see what it's about and agree with it.  The type of humbling I've experienced this week is nothing of the sort though.  It's been mostly God showing me my pettiness, insecurities, and self-preservation.

I must say I'm not a fan of this type of thing.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss and this is one of those cases.  I don't want to know how jealous I really am of people and things, I don't want to know just how insecure I am, I don't want to know the extent of my selfishness.  Maybe I do theoretically....

It's weird that for all the heart changes God has instilled in me is this desire for my own glory.  I guess that will never fully go away and He's showing me that this week.  I want to say He's doing it tenderly, but it doesn't feel that way to me.  It hurts and is frustrating.  I hate the internal battles, but that's where all the battles lie with God, in my mind and heart.  So I'm battling, sometimes with Him and sometimes against Him.  I really prefer to battle with Him mortifying my sin, but alas most of the time I'm fighting to keep my sin because deep down I don't want to give it up.  God wasn't lying when He said what it would cost to follow Him.  It literally costs us everything.  He wants every moment, thought, awkward feeling, bitterness, anger, frustrating, sin, to be claimed in His name.  Man that's hard business.  If you disagree you have to ask yourself a simple question:  Am I really submitting everything?  Hopefully if we're all honest the answer is no, and will always be so on this side of Heaven.  Personally I can't wait to get to Heaven when it can be a truthful yes, a glorious yes with Jesus and we get to see His glory all the time face to face.  Boom.