I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Maybe it was a realization that I was in a car accident this weekend, or the gloomy weather, or the upcoming end of semester push, but it was something. I just didn't want to get out of bed. Not because I was tired so much. Mostly because I didn't want the day to start. It's one of those weird lies we all believe, 'if I don't get up the day won't start'. Unfortunately no matter when we get up the day does start.
There was a point after I checked my email that I had a decision to make. My routine is usually getting up, checking email, then reading, showering, school......etc. I didn't want to read this morning. I didn't want to pray. I wanted to be miserable. I wanted to feel hopeless. My body ached still from the crash. A million things were rushing through my head. It was all a little too overwhelming.
So the choice...Do I try and do it on my own, or do I take it to God. The answer seems obvious. But in those moments we don't want to take it to God. We want to wallow in it. I certainly do.
So I got out my bible and read the first six chapters of Romans. What a grand reminder! I've been living in Romans this semester and it never fails to hear what screw ups we are. It was just God convicting me. And convicting me. And convicting me.
Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?
-Romans 2: 1-4 (emphasis mine)
The whole point of grace is to lead up to repent. Oh how I've thought differently all these years. I thought it was there so I could mess up without going to hell. While that is technically true, that there is nothing I can do to lose my salvation, the point of God's grace is to lead us toward being more like Christ. This can only happen if we have repentant hearts. Constantly repenting of our sins so God can really start to change us, to shape us. I am just at the beginning of this journey and I still have a lot to learn about it. It's hard, and I'm not really happy that I'm here. But I am joyful that Jesus loves us (me) enough to put me through whatever it is I need to go through to only grasp on to Him. Only to Him.
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